Why You Should NEVER Keep all Your S-Rank Files in one Place
by Cyrro
Summary: Team Seven gets bored waiting for Kakashi Sensei to turn up. In an effort to ditch his annoying team mates, Sasuke suggests splitting up to look for him. Sakura finds their sensei quite promptly. Sasuke finds a bowl of soup, and Naruto... well, let's just say it wasn't pretty.
1. Finding the Copy Ninja

"Where the hell is Kakashi?!" Naruto demands. "He's late AGAIN."

"Shut up, Dobe," Sasuke says automatically.

"He's always late," Sakura grumbles. "Why don't we train while we wait for him? Can I spar with you, Sasuke-kun?" she clasps her hands together desperately.

"No."

"AWW!" Sakura mopes.

"I want to practice tracking," Sasuke explains. "We didn't notice Zabuza was following us because our tracking is bad."

"I noticed him!" Naruto shouts. "You guys just didn't believe me!"

"You were just throwing things randomly!" accuses Sakura.

"Shut up you two." Sasuke snaps. "I haven't explained my plan."

Now he has their attention, Sasuke adopts his incredibly rare conspiratorial face. "We are going to split up and find Kakashi, and force him to train us. Put your ear-pieces on - we're going to do this as a mission!"

"Aright! I'm gonna find Kakashi-sensei first!"

"Sasuke-kun, you have such good ideas!"

"All ready? Move out, team! Mission Hunt The Copy Ninja begins now!" Sasuke orders, and disappears into the trees.

Sakura smirks at Naruto, "I'll make sure you get some credit for trying." Then she runs off on her own to search for the wayward sensei.

Naruto glares after his teammates. Where to start looking? First he needs to get a good view of the village and there is only one place to do that.

A few minutes later, Naruto stands atop the First Hokage's head getting a clear bird's eye view of the village. Now, where to start looking? He does not know where Kakashi-sensei lives (or where any of his teammates live for that matter). He does not know where the Road of Life is either. "It must be a pretty long road, if Sensei's always getting lost there," Naruto muses.

A prickly feeling at the back of Naruto's neck alerts him to the presence of another person. Wondering if the person is Kakashi-sensei, Naruto sneaks off to locate them. The person turns out to be an ANBU Black op, sneaking around like he doesn't want anyone to follow him. So of course Naruto uses his Ninja sneaking skills - the ones he uses for pranking - to follow the ANBU.

Naruto follows the ANBU away from the kage faces, through some trees and eventually spies 2 more ANBU agents moving about seemingly randomly. They stop when they see the ANBU Naruto is tailing, and salute to him. He bows and they let him pass. The ANBU puts his hand on a tree, and a seal appears on the bark. Then a door appears and the ANBU disappears inside.

Impressed, Naruto grins. "Screw finding Kakashi-Sensei! I wanna know what's behind that door!" he says, deciding to investigate.

Sasuke will never admit it, because it is beneath his dignity, but he only really suggested splitting up to look for Kakashi so he could ditch his annoying teammates. Sasuke has plans of his own that don't involve training. Just his best friend in the whole world. The thing he would probably forgive It- That Man for. (If It- That Man gave him a lifetime's supply, that is.)

Tomatoes. Those lovely red fruit - nay, those round baubles of heaven - that are so juicy and soft, like a pillow; like his mother's hair. Suddenly Sasuke wants his mother. Or one of her delectable bowls of tomato soup.

Hey, wait. Wasn't there a restaurant that sold tomato soup based off his mother's recipe? "Yes i'm sure there is, it has to be around here somewhere, doesn't it… I think," Sasuke muses. And off he goes to find himself the closest thing he could get to his mother's tomato soup.

A few minutes later, Sasuke Uchiha sits at a table in a soup kitchen called 'Konoha's Best Soups. EVER', eating the menu item listed as 'Mikoto's Tomato Soup'. It is surprisingly close to the genuine item. Sasuke quickly slips into a state of utter bliss.

Sakura considers all the possibilities.

Kakashi sensei could be sitting somewhere reading the book of his that he loves so much. Potentially he could be going into a hot spring to relax, he might still be doing the paperwork from the Wave mission as it was a higher rank than they expected, so it might take longer to process. On the other hand, Sakura thinks, he _could_ actually be helping old ladies with their shopping, or getting cats down from trees. Yeah, and maybe Naruto's father is the fourth hokage. Who is she kidding? Obviously neither of those things is true. [Somewhere close by, the cat Kakashi helped down from a tree half an hour ago sneezes. Meanwhile, inside the belly of a Shinigami, the Fourth Hokage sneezes violently. Somewhere else, an old lady sneezes as she unpacks the groceries that a nice young ninja helped her carry home.] No, Sakura thinks, where would Kakashi sensei actually be? Maybe he is visiting his friends at the memorial stone.

That is a definite possibility. Sakura heads over to the memorial stone.

And there he is: standing with his hands in his pockets, staring at the memorial stone.

"Kakashi sensei!" she calls.

He turns and gives her that annying eye-smile of his.

"We got sick of waiting for you to turn up," she grouses. "So we split up to look for you." then she turns on her ear-piece. "Sasuke, Naruto: this is Sakura. I've found sensei." Silence from the head set. "Guys? Don't reply at the same time, will you?" She scowls. "Pink to Blue and Orange! Do you copy? I've located Scar."

"Blue to Pink," carries across the head set. "Good work."

"Kyaa! Sasuke-kun complimented my work!"

Kakashi face-palms.

"Have you heard from the dobe?"

"No… he probably got into trouble or something."


	2. Sensei is Broken

**AN: A short message from Cyrro that should have been at the beginning of the first chapter; The entire story is written with the help of my friend, who whishes (against my better judgement) to be known as 'Ignis Dracorex'. He is the one who will be leaving most author's notes,** **because I'm too busy do the actual writing to be bothered.**

* * *

Two ANBU, known by their masks as Boar and Fox, are having an average day. Nothing too eventful has happened during their patrol as of yet.

Then, out from behind a bush leaps a small blonde boy wearing a NOTICE ME sign in the form of an orange jumpsuit.

"What do you want kid," says Fox lazily.

The kid makes the hand seal for shadow clones. Fox isn't too worried. What kid possibly stood a chance against ANBU? Except Itachi, that is.

"Sexy Harem no Jutsu," declares the kid, with a very... _foxy_ grin.

Suddenly he disappears into smoke; and as it clears, 4 figures can be made out, they are rather attractive females surrounded by wisps of smoke covering up their naked bodies in all the right places. At the sight of these majestic naked women the two ANBU can not contain themselves and blood shoots out of their noses. They fall backwards, unconscious from pure excitement, their deprived senses suddenly overloaded.

"Works every time," grins Naruto releasing his jutsu. "Now to take care of that other ANBU."

Naruto heads over to the tree with the door in it and slips inside just as the door is closing. He finds himself inside a hollowed out tree with a ladder that leads down. Naruto climbs down the ladder; down and down until he reaches the bottom and finds a second door. It is dark, but there are a few red lights that give off just enough light to see. Naruto jumps off the ladder and heads over to the other door. He tries to open it, but the door refuses to budge while arcane sealing script wraps over the door and a wooden cage forms around naruto trapping him in his place. "Nice prank," says Naruto, and slips through the bars of the cage. "I should get these guys to teach me sometime." He grins as he disables the trap, and his grin widens as he finds a few more hooked up to the door. Half wishing he could've seen the pranks in action, Naruto easily disables them.

Buzzing with excitement, Naruto opens the (formerly trapped by the First Hokage himself) door and goes through, leaving it open behind him. Once his eyes have adjusted to the lighting, Naruto sees rows and rows of shelves, adorned with locked files. "Awesome!" yells Naruto. "A secret library. I wonder if there's any cool jutsu in here?"

Branches explode from the floor and wrap around him, pinning him in place. The ANBU Naruto had followed to the secret library emerges from the shadows, his hands clasped together in an odd hand seal. "How did you get in here?" the ANBU demands, stalking towards Naruto.

"I followed you," says Naruto, feeling a little nervous.

"WHAT? YOU FOLLOWED ME?!" the ANBU is so surprised his jutsu wavers, and Naruto, quick as a flash, brings his hands together in his favourite seal.

"Sexy jutsu!" and in his place appears a busty, curvy woman with blonde pigtails. "Oh, ANBU-sama! You bad boy!" The naked (except for the wooden branches trapping Naruto) woman strains against the bonds that, just a moment ago, had held Naruto Uzumaki, and giggles.

The ANBU faints from surprise.

Naruto releases his jutsu and climbs out of the net of branches. "I'm gonna have to remember that one. It worked well." Then he digs into his, now seldom used, pranking supply, takes out some rope and ties up the ANBU with his best prank-knots.

Leaving the ANBU on the floor beside the door, Naruto sets off to explore the library. After scanning the shelves for a while, he spies a report labeled _Kyuubi attack, Full report. October 10._ "That's the night I was born," says Naruto, surprised. "Maybe it says why the Fourth Hokage sealed the Kyuubi into me." Naruto takes the file off the shelf, wondering what other top secret information he might be able to find. Naruto continues to browse, reading titles like: _Kinoe Rescue Mission._ , _Intel gathering mission on Akatsuki #1._ , and _ANBU Hound Psychoanalysis Report._ None of them seem interesting to Naruto. Then he spies a very heavy folder labeled _Uchiha Plotted_ Coup d'etat _and Resultant Massacre._ "Sasuke's name is Uchiha," Naruto muses. "Maybe this folder will explain why he has no parents."

Naruto takes the folder off the shelf and looks at the two folder. "One will tell me why I have no parents," he says quietly. "the other will tell me why Sasuke has no parents." Naruto is so deep in thought that he doesn't hear Sakura calling him over his head set.

Then a voice behind him says, "Give me those files kid."

Naruto spins around to find the ANBU that he'd left outside standing behind him. "No!" he yells. "Sexy jutsu!" A cloud of smoke and a naked hottie later and both ANBU are on the ground, unconscious. "Suckers." Naruto grins and changes back. "I better get outta here before they wake up again," he says and runs back to the door holding the files to his chest.  
As he runs past the other ANBU, the ANBU yells, "Untie me kid! And put those files back!"

Naruto ignores him and shoots back up the ladder and out into the bright sunlight. "Now to find a quiet place to read these-"

"NARUTO!" Sakura's voice shrieks through his head set. "I found Kakashi sensei!"

"Sakura!" Naruto panics. "I'll be at the training grounds soon. Sasuke-teme are you there?"

"I'm here, dobe." Sasuke sounds annoyed.

"I found something that might interest you."

Sasuke's curiosity is thoroughly aroused. What could Naruto possibly have found that made him sound so serious? "Can you bring it to the training grounds?"

"Yes, I'm bringing it right now! We can all read it together!" Naruto's voice floats back across the head set.

"What is it?" even Sakura sounds interested, and she's never interested in what Naruto has to say.

"You'll see when I arrive! Naruto out."

"You kids have fun." Kakashi says. "I'm being summoned to the Hokage tower. I'll be back as soon as I can." Then he shunshins away, leaving a whirling trail of leaves in his wake.

"Didn't we like, _just_ find him?" Sakura complains loudly. "We need a better sensei. Do you think we can trade him in for one that _isn't_ broken?"

"Probably not, but it's worth a try," Sasuke replies, thinking that maybe they could write a petition to the Hokage or something like that.


	3. Files are Read - The Truth is Reveled

**AN:** _ **Hey peeps Ignis Dracorex here. Just to let you guys know that there are certain chapters where, if you can notice special things, then you will get an Omake dedicated to you. So happy hunting people and good luck, Ignis out.**_

* * *

Naruto arrives on the training field a few minutes later, holding two sealed folders to his chest. "Where's Kakashi-sensei?" he asks.

"He got summoned to the Hokage tower," Sakura explains.

"We're thinking of trading him in for a new sensei," adds Sasuke. "One that isn't broken."

"Sweet," says Naruto. "But first let's read these files I found in an underground secret library while I was following an ANBU." He holds out the files to show his team mates.

"You were supposed to be finding Kakashi sensei, not following ANBU into secret underground libraries!" Sakura yells, hitting Naruto over the head, nearly causing him to drop the files.

Sasuke stares at Naruto. "How did you follow the ANBU without him noticing you?"

"I just snuck after him like I do when I'm pranking someone," says Naruto, shrugging nonchalantly. "It wasn't hard."

His teammates stare at him, shock written all over their faces. One thought travels through both their minds: Is Naruto an amazing ninja when he's _not_ trying?

Naruto continues: "I followed the ANBU until he reached his destination, then I knocked him and the other two ANBU out with my sexy jutsu and stole these two files. Let's read the shorter one first, dattebayo."

His teammates can only manage to nod in agreement.

Naruto tries to open the file, only to encounter a trapped seal holding it closed. "This scroll is pranked," groans Naruto, and disables the trap as if it were a mere chalk-board duster in a door.

His team mates just stare in awe.

Naruto opens the scroll only to find… "Aw, it's all in Kanji!" He passes it to Sasuke. "Can you read it out to us?"

Sasuke takes the scroll. "Okay Dobe," he agrees, still in a daze. " _Kyuubi attack, Full report. October 10,"_ He reads.

" _October 10._

 _Tonight marks the greatest tragedy since the Village Hidden in the Whirlpool was destroyed._

 _Kushina Uzumaki, Jinchuuriki of the Nine-tailed fox went into labour early this afternoon. As planned, my wife, Biwako Sarutobi, and Kushina's husband, Minato Namikaze, Fourth Hokage of the Village Hidden in the leaves, along with two midwives took Kushina to a specially prepared area to give birth…"_

"Wait, the Fourth was married?" asks Sakura, surprised.

"Shut up so Sasuke can read!" snaps Naruto. "I wanna know if Kushina is related to me!"

Sasuke continues to read: " _As I was not present, I do not know what exactly happened, but during the birth Kushina's seal failed, despite Minato's best efforts to hold it in closed. The Kyuubi broke free, and Biwako and the two midwifes were killed. The Kyuubi ran amok in the village, killing hundreds and destroying a good portion of the village. The Uchiha clan joined forces with the ANBU Black ops to take civilians and children to safety. In an effort to stop the fox's rampage, Minato sealed it away. Using the Reaper Death Seal, he sealed half of the fox inside himself,and half of it he sealed into his and Kushina's newborn son._

 _When I arrived on the scene, both Minato and Kushina had large puncture wounds in their abdomens and their newborn son lay nearby on what appeared to be a hastily constructed alter. Minato was already dead: the seal he used took his life. Kushina was alive and informed me their child's name is Naruto._

 _From this day forward, Naruto will be known as Naruto Uzumaki. His status as the Jinchuuriki of the Kyuubi will be kept from his generation to prevent him becoming an outcast among his peers, and his status as the Fourth Hokage's son will be kept from all except those who know already: Myself, Naruto's Godfather Jiraiya of the Sannin, and Kakashi Hatake, who is forbidden from mentioning it to anyone._

 _The boy will be placed in temporary foster care until he is old enough to take care of himself._

 _This concludes my report._

 _Signed Hiruzen Sarutobi,_

 _Third Hokage of the Village Hidden in the Leaves."_

"Well, Damn." Sasuke stares at the paper as if it will magically admit that it is an elaborate prank.

"WHAAAAT!?" Sakura forgets to censor Inner Sakura. "Naruto is the son of the Fourth Hokage? What the hell? Shannaro!"

"Kushina Uzumaki," says Naruto softly.

His team mates turn to him.

He stares at them with a look of wonder on his face. "I finally know my mother's name. Kushina. I bet she was beautiful. And awesome. Dattebayo."

"You mean you didn't know who your own mother was?" asks Sakura, suddenly feeling guilty for all the times she envied Naruto not having any parents to boss him around. "Did you at least know that your Father is the fourth Hokage?"

"No, I didn't!" Naruto suddenly looks and sounds very angry. "Gramps refused to tell me anything about my parents except that they were killed by the kyuubi." Naruto leaps to his feet. "Stupid Old Man! I'm gonna find him and give him a piece of my mind!"

"Sit back down!" Snaps Sasuke. "I know you want to yell at the Hokage, but if you go now, he'll take both files off us and we won't get a chance to read the other one!"

Naruto sits back down. "Oh, yeah. I think the other one is about what happened to your parents, Sasuke. That's why I took it."

"You took it for me?" Sasuke looks genuinely touched and grateful.

"I'm actually kind of curious about why you don't have any parents either," Naruto admits, as he undoes the trap/prank on the fatter he hands it to Sakura. "You're smart Sakura. You can read this one."

Shaking with excitement and nerves, Sakura takes the file and opens it. She finds several documents that look an awful lot like mission reports. Starting with the one on top she begins to read them aloud. Most of the reports are by an 'Itachi Uchiha', but a few are by a 'Shisui Uchiha; called _Shunshin no Shisui_ '. The tale the reports wove was one of two boys fighting to keep their clan from rising up against the village it founded - a village that still viewed one of it's founding clans with suspicion, even after so long.

Naruto cried as she read the report in which Danzo Shimura, an elder of Konoha, stole Shisui's eye so that the two boys could not use genjutsu to stop the looming civil war. Sakura had to fight back tears as she read the part of the report where Shisui pulled out his own eye - ew - and gave it to Itachi, then threw himself over a waterfall.

Sasuke sits ashen faced as Sakura reads the next report: orders from the council of elders and approved, though reluctantly, by the Hokage himself . Itachi, Sasuke's older brother (Sakura hadn't known Sasuke had a brother) was ordered to kill his entire clan in order to stop a civil war. She read on bravely, discovering that Itachi agreed on two conditions: Firstly that no word of the plotted coup would ever be mentioned again, and so the name Uchiha would not be tarnished; and Secondly that his beloved little brother, Sasuke Uchiha, would be spared and protected, and allowed to follow whatever path he chose.

Sasuke starts to cry violently. His eyes form the Sharingan. Then they change and develop, forming a flower-like pattern.

Naruto dives over to Sasuke and hugs him tightly. "It's gonna be okay, Sasuke," he says, crying. "We'll help you get back at Danzo."

"That's right," agrees Sakura. "He was behind the whole thing. We've got your back, Sasuke. _Shannaro_."

Sasuke looks from one teammate to the other, a look of wonder on his face. "You'll really help me get my revenge?"

"We're your team mates, ' _ttebayo_!" Declares Naruto. "And your friends too, whether you like it or not. And friends have eachother's backs."

"Exactly, _shannaro_ ," Sakura agrees, nodding firmly. Inner Sakura seemed to be in control of her actions until further notice. Sakura finds she doesn't care.


	4. Beware the Orange Terror

Kakashi arrives at the Hokage tower about an hour later (he had to help an old lady cross the street, and then walk her home safely, wherein she invited him in for tea and a muffin) to find everyone in a state of panic, and no sign of the Hokage.

"What's going on here?" he asks as he crouches on the windowsill of the Hokage's office. When no one replies (they're all too busy holding their heads, running around frantically and saying "Whatdowedo, whatdowedo, WHATDOWEDO, What do we DO!?"), Kakashi says in his best voice for cutting through a crowd without being too loud, "Anyone would think someone broke into the Secret S-Rank Report Archives."

They all turn to him as one: "Someone DID!" they shout in perfect unison.

"So why do you need me?" Kakashi asks. Incompetent fools. "I have a team to train. Let the ANBU deal with it."

"We can't find the Hokage," admits Kotetsu, one of the ninjas. (Kakashi is sure he's Kotetsu, but it's hard to tell which one's Kotetsu and which one's Izumo when they spend all their time together.) "We were hoping you knew where his is."

"So when the Hokage's absent, you come to me?" Kakashi crosses his arms and glares around the room.

"Yes?" A man Kakashi vaguely remembers from the mission desk says nervously.

"You lot are terrible," Kakashi says turning to jump back outside. "When you find the Hokage, tell him I've gone to deal with the situation."

"Yes sir!" The panicked ninjas chorus as Kakashi shinshins out of the tower.

Kakashi reaches the Secret Archive a few moments later and heads inside. The outer door's seals are intact, but all the traps on the inner door have been disabled by an expert. Kakashi admires the handiwork with awe. He hasn't seen this level of trap-disabling since Minato sensei was alive. Kakashi makes a mental note to teach Naruto to trap like the Fourth. Even if he can't tell Naruto who his father is, Kakashi can at least teach Naruto to trap like him. Well, Minato sensei and Kushina-neesan called it 'Glorified pranking', so maybe he should use that term with Naruto. His amateurish pranks were quite impressive, after all. Filing his wayward thoughts away for later inspection, Kakashi heads inside the archive.

And promptly bursts out laughing.

"Stop laughing and untie me senpai!" snaps Tenzo from his position on the floor, where he is lying trussed up in orange ropes much like the ones Naruto used for his prank...oh. Of course Naruto was behind this.

"Why are you even laughing?" asks ANBU Boar, staggering out from between two shelves, blood staining his neck and shirt. Behind him, ANBU Fox, who is in a similar predicament, is using the shelves for support.

"An orange terror knocked us out and stole two important reports," Fox adds. "This is not a laughing matter."

"Was the orange terror blonde and short?" Kakashi asks, trying not to laugh as he unties Tenzo.

"Yes, how did you know?" asks Tenzo.

"I thought so. This mess has his stamp all over it," Kakashi says. "You say he took two files?"

"Yes," confirms Fox. "I didn't see which ones though." He sounds embarrassed.

"Well, then I'd better go find out," says Kakashi. "You three notify the Hokage."

Kakashi arrives at his team training ground a good 45 minutes later. He would've been there sooner, but a little girl's cat was stuck up a tree, so he stopped to help. He also inspired the little girl to become a ninja. Take that Guy.

Kakashi stops dead in his tracks when he sees the most amazing thing.

His students are hugging and crying.

What. The. Bloody. Icha Icha.

Kakashi checks to see if the sky's still blue. It is. Then he checks the sky is still working. It is. Any flying pigs? No. Then he checks for genjutsu. None.

Kakashi proceeds in the knowledge that, yes his Genins are hugging. "Yo," he says raising a hand in greeting. The three adolescents turn to him, staring at him out of teary eyes. Kakashi crouches down beside the huddle of Genin. "Sasuke," he says, peering into the boy's eyes. "How did you develop Mangekyo Sharingan?"

All three look sheepish at this. "Um.." Sasuke blushes.

"It was Naruto who stole the documents!" Sakura points the accusing finger.

"Yes, I know," Kakashi says smiling. "What documents were they that Sasuke would develop Mangekyo after reading them?"

"These ones," Naruto picks up two folders from the grass and presents them to Kakashi.

" _Kyuubi attack, Full report._ " Kakashi reads. "And _Uchiha Plotted_ Coup d'etat _and Resultant Massacre._ " Kakashi regards the reports and his student gravely. "So what did you find?"

"My parents names," says Naruto.

"My brother was manipulated into killing my clan by Danzo," says Sasuke.

Kakashi stares at Sasuke. "You mean Itachi wasn't acting alone?"

"Nope!" confirms Sakura. "Itachi and Shisui were trying to prevent a civil war and Danzo got involved and ruined everything. Itachi was ordered to kill his clan."

"And finding that out made Sasuke-teme's eyes go weird," adds Naruto. "What were my parents like?"

"That is not a pleasant thing to learn. It would make anyone's eyes turn weird," says Kakashi. "Minato sensei and Kushina-neesama were amazing and scary. I wish you could've met them."

"Now can we go yell at Lord Third?" asks Sasuke.

"Sure, why not?" agrees Kakashi sensei. "He's been strangely absent until now."

"Let's go yell at Gramps, 'ttebayo!" Naruto leaps up, punching the air.

"I know we shouldn't be yelling at the Hokage," chimes in Sakura. "But after reading this stuff, I think he deserves it, Shannaro."


	5. Where the Hell is the Hokage?

Iruka Umino is enjoying his day off. No little brats clambering for his attention, no constantly telling Udon to wipe his nose, no Konohamaru antics (he'll never be as much fun as Naruto, no matter how hard he tries).

But the main reason Iruka is enjoying his day off is because he is beating the Hokage at shogi. For the third time in as many hours. This victory will be his 987th. Not that he's keeping a record or anything.

"Checkmate," he says conversationally, moving his knight as casually as he can. Iruka takes a mouthful of his cup of tea to hide his grin. '"987 to me, 0 to you."

"This is not a competition!" the Third Hokage says indignantly, glaring at the board. "But if it was, Mikoto would be proud of you."

"Damn straight," says Iruka not bothering to hide his grin.

The door crashes open and Team Seven bursts through, complete with Kakashi Hatake. The three genin stop in the doorway to hold their sides and pant.

"We have an S-class emergency," states Kakashi. "Where the hell have you been, Lord Third?"

Naruto straightens up and marches over to the Hokage. "WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THE FOURTH HOKAGE IS MY DAD? AND WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT MY MUM WAS THE NINE-TAILS JINCHUURIKI BEFORE ME?! WERE YOU EVER PLANNING ON TELLING ME? OR WERE YOU JUST GOING TO REFUSE TO TELL ME MY WHOLE LIFE? AND YOU EVEN FORBID KAKASHI SENSEI FROM TALKING ABOUT MY PARENTS TO ME? WHAT THE HELL? AND WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE A GODFATHER? THAT'S, LIKE, THE ONLY FAMILY I HAVE (no offence Iruka-sensei, you're my bro) DIDN'T YOU THINK I'D WANT TO AT LEAST KNOW HE EXISTS?"

"AND WHAT THE HELL IS THE DEAL WITH AGREEING WITH DANZO'S PLOT TO KILL OFF MY CLAN?" Demands Sasuke, causing Iruka to drop his cup in surprise. "HOW COULD YOU, THE HOKAGE, ORDER MY BROTHER TO KILL MY FAMILY? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

"Lord Third," demands Iruka, in his best no-nonsense voice. "Is this all true?"

"Unfortunately, yes," the Hokage sighs.

"It's all right here in these reports that Naruto stole from the Secret S-Rank Report Archive," says Kakashi. "Hence the S-rank emergency."

"Naruto!" Iruka scolds. "You should know better than to steal forbidden documents, especially after what happened with the Scroll of Sealing."

"But I learned a cool jutsu from the scroll of sealing!" Naruto whines. "And I got to beat up Mizuki sensei, and I made Genin and you gave me your headband and brought me Ramen and now we're bros!

"Good point, maybe that wasn't such a good example after all," Iruka admits. "But if you're going to keep calling me your bro, I'm going to have to start calling you Otouto."

"Really?" Naruto looks way happier than Iruka expected him to.

"Of course," Iruka smiles. Then he turns to Lord Third. "So when were you planning on telling Naruto his parentage?"

"I was going to tell him once he made Chunin," admits the Hokage.

"So can I tell him everything I know about his parents?" asks Kakashi nervously.

"Knock yourself out," Iruka gives Kakashi permission before the Hokage can say anything.

"Iruka!" the Third scolds. "You can't give him permission, only I can do that."

Iruka gives the Hokage a _look_. "Really?" He challenges.

The Third Hokage of the Village Hidden in the Leaves hangs his head in submission. "Do what you want, Iruka sensei."

Sakura and Sasuke stare at Iruka in awe. "Iruka sensei, since when did you control the Hokage?" asks Sasuke.

"Since I started dying the hair of people who cross me fluorescent pink."

"What's wrong with pink hair, shannaro?" Sakura challenges Iruka.

"Nothing, it's a nice colour. But it does tend to annoy Hokages when their hair is dyed that colour."

"So, what I'm hearing is Naruto vandalized the Hokage monuments," comments Kakashi. "But you vandalized the actual Hokages?"

"Damn straight."

Team Seven (including Kakashi) gaze at Iruka in awe.

The door crashes open, and three ANBU Black ops bursts into the room followed by a stately old man whom Iruka recognizes as one of his former pink-hair victims.

"There you are, Lord Hokage," One of them pants.

"AHH! It's the orange thing!" One of the other ANBU screams, pointing at Naruto. "Get away from it, Kakashi senpai, it's dangerous!"

Kakashi pats the frantic ANBU on the head. "All 12 year old boys are dangerous."

"But that one broke into the Secret Archive!" whines the ANBU.

"I know," smiles Kakashi. "My little Genin outsmarted my old subordinate. I'm so proud."

"Hey, who're you?" Naruto's voice cuts through the room. "You look like zombie!"

"You disrespectful brat," the old man says, glaring at Naruto. "I am Danzo Shimura, and I am an Elder of this village."

* * *

 **OMAKE.**

 **Pink Hair Part One: Danzo.**

 _Dedicated to SilentAqua_ _for being the first person to comment._

When Iruka was young there were two things that annoyed him more than was probably reasonable. The first, and more annoying, of the two things was being mistaken for a girl.

Now, Iruka was small, slightly chubby and wore his hair in a pony tail. That made many people, upon first glance, and even second glance, think he was a girl. After years of putting up with having to tell people "No, I'm not a girl, I'm a boy!" he finally had enough.

The next person to call him a girl was getting pranked.

It just so happens that, just as Iruka is thinking all of this, a man is standing behind him, wanting to get past. "Excuse me, little girl," the man says, causing Iruka to turn in annoyance. "Could you get out of my way?"

Iruka glares at the man and takes note of his appearance. "I'm a boy," Iruka tells him.

"No, you aren't," the man says dismissively. "You are just trying to trick me."

"Take that back," growls Iruka. "Or I _will_ trick you."

"Stupid girl," says the man, pushing Iruka out of his way and walking past. He appears to think the conversation is over.

But it isn't. The next morning Danzo Shimura wakes up, showers washes his hair and finds that it is bright pink.

But not just any pink. It is fluorescent pink.

Danzo tries everything to change his hair back to its sensible brown colour, but to no avail. His hair remains stubbornly pink. Even transforming doesn't work. His hair stays pink no matter what.

Danzo swears so violently Hidan the Jashinist would've blushed in horror.


	6. A Coward Flees

**AN: Hey peeps it's Ignus again, so the first Omake of many was shown in the last chapter, and we just want to let you know that the Omakes are a part of the story and not just for fun (but lets face it they will be funny) so keep that in mind while reading them. Cheers and happy reading.**

"I'll fucking kill you, you son of a bitch!" Sasuke screams, blind rage filling him. He flies at Danzo and tries to punch him, letting his eyes change to the Mangekyo Sharingan. "You killed my clan!"

Danzo grabs Sasuke's arm. "You stupid boy, your clan was killed by your brother."

"On your orders!" Sasuke tries to kick Danzo. "It's all your fault! You planned the whole thing so they would all die!"

"They were traitors!" Danzo says coldly. "They were judged and executed."

"The Uchiha clan was not traitorous!"

Sasuke turns his head in surprise when he hears Sakura's voice.

"You backed them into a corner," Sakura continues, her voice surprisingly steely. "Hoping they would retaliate so that you could brand them as traitors!"

"Yeah," chimes in Naruto. "And you stole Shisui's eye to stop him from saving them so you could make Itachi kill them!"

Sasuke turns back to Danzo to see his reaction.

But Danzo is ignoring Sakura and Naruto. "Your eyes bear the Mangekyou," Danzo says staring into Sasuke's eyes.

"Don't stare at Sasuke teme like that you pedophile!" Naruto shouts, confusing Sasuke, who wonders what a pedophile is, exactly.

Danzo glares at Naruto. "I am not a pedophile." he turns back to Sasuke. "You, boy, have sided with your traitorous clan. It seems treachery runs in your blood." He reaches forward, towards Sasuke's eyes."you do not deserve to have such power, _boy_." Danzo's fingers curl around Sasuke's left eye.

"Get your hands off my student." Kakashi's voice cuts the air like a katana, the very air in the room seems to darken with killing intent.

Sasuke twists around and sees his team, backed by Iruka sensei, cracking their knuckles and glaring at Danzo. Dark waves of anger roll off them, and their eyes promise pain.

"Hands off our teammate," Sakura says, stalking forward until she's right up in Danzo's face. Then she pulls Sasuke out of Danzo's grip and shoves him behind her.

Sasuke is impressed. Sakura is pretty when she's angry, Sasuke thinks. (But pretty girls have cooties. Shisui told him that and Shisui knew everything.) What is he thinking? He should be getting his revenge, not contemplating the fact that all girls have cooties! "I'm going to kill you, Danzo!" Sasuke growls, being careful not to stand too close to Sakura, incase he catches her cooties.

"You're going down, 'ttebayo!" Naruto chimes in, sliding up on the the other side of Sakura.

With Sasuke and Naruto flanking her, Sakura advances on a rapidly retreating Danzo. "We're gonna rip you to shreds, shannaro," is all she manages to say before Danzo turns tail and runs, followed by one of the ANBU.

Sasuke leaps forward to attack the retreating old man, only to be grabbed by the back of his shirt. "Let me at him!" Sasuke yells, struggling to break free.

"Calm down Sasuke," Iruka sensei's voice reaches Sasuke through his haze of anger. "There is plenty of time for us to plot Danzo's downfall." Iruka sensei crouches down in front of Sasuke, revealing it is not him holding Sasuke's shirt. "There are things we need to do first, like officially declaring Danzo a missing nin - "

"I'll get right on it," the Hokage's voice floats back to Sasuke's ears as the Hokage glides out of the room, followed by the two remaining ANBU black ops.

"And putting those files back where they belong," Iruka sensei continues. "Come, Naruto." Iruka sensei stands and herds Naruto out of the room.

Sakura checks her watch. "I have to go, I have a haircut appointment." She runs off, leaving Sasuke alone with Kakashi, who is still holding the back of his shirt.

"Do you have any questions, Sasuke?" Kakashi asks, letting Sasuke's shirt go.

Sasuke does have a question, but he feels a little stupid asking it. "What's a pedophile?"

Kakashi turns Sasuke around and searches his face for any sign that he is joking. Sasuke tries his best not to look embarrassed. "A pedophile is a man who likes to have sex with children," says Kakashi, finally.

Sasuke frowns. "What's sex?" he asks, frowning, and trying not to blush with embarrassment.

Kakashi stares at Sasuke. "You don't know?"

Sasuke shakes his head.

"Um…" Kakashi looks around, like he's looking for something. "How do I explain this?" He muses, scratching his head. Then he reaches into his pouch and pulls out his favourite novel. He flicks through the book for a bit before settling on a page. Showing the page to Sasuke, he says, "Read from here to here." indicating the passage he wants Sasuke to read.

Sasuke reads, feeling slowly more and more horrified, but strangely intrigued, as he reads. When he's finished he stares up at Kakashi, a look of absolute horror on his face. "People do that sort of thing to each other?"

Kakashi looks embarrassed now. "Yes," he admits. "When they love each other, usually."

"Oh." Sasuke is not impressed. "Well I think that's gross. I mean, won't they get cooties off each other?"

Kakashi simply shunshins away.

* * *

 **Omake.**

 **Cooties Part One.**

 _ **Dedicated to the guest who left this comment:**_ " _* points dramatically at a random direction where the Hokage may or may not be at.* And that is why the Hokage up and ran away. His someone( Naruto mainly Naruto)- infiltrated-a-secure-area-and-humiliated-ANBU-or- someone- stole- secret- documents senses were tingling. Which told him to gtfo and run."_

 _ **Message from Cyrro: This comment is brilliant. That is why you get an omake.**_

* * *

"So how are you liking the Academy, Sasuke?" Shisui asks as he walks his little cousin home from the Academy one fine afternoon.

"It's fun!" replies Sasuke enthusiastically. "All the girls want to be friends with me, but the boys don't really like me that much for some reason." he sounds a bit sad at that last remark. Then he scowls. "So I just do my work and ignore them all."

"And so you should," replies Shusui, seeing a golden opportunity to mess with his baby-cousin. "Girls have cooties."

"What are cooties?" Sasuke asks, taking the bait.

"No one really knows, since they are too small to see," says Shisui mysteriously. "But all girls have them. If you touch a girl you will get them, unless you're wearing cootie repellent." Shusui tries to sound mysterious and scary.

"What do they do?" asks Sasuke, wide eyed.

"The cooties will kill you if you get them on you." Shusui fights as hard as he can to keep a straight face.

"But… but…"Sasuke stammers out. "Girls try to touch me every day!"

Suddenly Shisui is very glad he thought of teasing Sasuke with the cooties. The rabid fangirls have started to target Sasuke already. In an attempt to protect his baby cousin, Shisui steels his resolve and carries on with making Sasuke believe in cooties. "That's where cootie repellent comes in," he tells his wide-eyed cousin. "I'll give you a bottle of mine. Of course, it's disguised as deodorant so that the cooties don't know you are onto them. If the cooties know you're onto them, they will come at you in a swarm and infect you."

"But...but...but…" Sasuke looks properly terrified. "Mummy is a girl! Does she have cooties too?"

Shisui swears to himself. Thinking fast, he says, "Adults are immune to cooties. That's why they don't die when they shake each other's hands. The cooties only target kids, so once girls become ladies all the cooties on them die, and they never get any ever again."

By the pale look on Sasuke's face, Shisui can tell he probably did his job a bit too well.


	7. How to Invade Konoha It's Easy, Really

Itachi Uchiha is eating dango with great relish when a Konohan messenger hawk flies down and lands on the bench beside him.

Surprised, Itachi offers it some dango and takes its message. A stick of dango hanging out of his mouth, Itachi unrolls the message scroll and reads it. The message is short, but it makes him laugh. The message reads: " _Itachi Uchiha, you are to report to me before the week is out. Naruto Uzumaki broke into the Secret S Rank File Archive and stole the files pertaining to the Kyuubi attack and the Uchiha coup d'etat. He and Sasuke read them with their teammate Sakura, and the three of them tried to kill Danzo who is now a missing nin. I will explain in full when you arrive. Please bring your Akatsuki partner with you and act as if this is a potential mission._

 _Signed Hiruzen Sarutobi, Third Hokage of Konoha"_

"What's so funny?" asks Kisame, sitting down next to Itachi with a fresh plate of dango. "I've never heard you laugh before."

"I just got a message from the hokage," says Itachi. "He wants to hire the two of us for something."

"The Hokage wants to hire Akatsuki?" asks Kisame, surprised. "What could he possibly want our services for?"

"We will find out soon enough," Itachi tells him, and starts eating the plate of dango kisame has brought. The messenger hawk finishes it's dango and flies off. Obviously it wasn't instructed to wait for a reply, which must mean that the hokage expected him to come without question. Interesting.

"So what's konoha like, anyway?" asks Kisame as he and Itachi near Konoha. "Is the academy system better or worse than the one in the Hidden Mist?"

Itachi shrugs.

"Huh, I guess you've never been to the hidden mist academy, have you? It's pretty shit. You have to kill a classmate to graduate. I suppose you didn't have to do that did you?"

Itachi shrugs.

"Hey look we're here, are they gonna let us in without a fight? They should, since the Hokage called us here. Why did he call us any way?"

Itachi shrugs.

Kisame is mercifully silent as they enter the gates of Konoha. Itachi walks past the chunins on duty (the Kotetsu and Izumo duo), without making a sound. The pair are too busy playing charades to notice him and Kisame.

Once they are out of earshot of the gate 'guards' Kisame continues his chatter. "I'm surprised Konoha hasn't been invaded yet, those guards are obviously incompetent. Anyone could walk right in and no one would know until they started painting those giant faces."

"Actually, no one notices when our local jinchuuriki paints the hokage faces," Itachi feels the need to say. "So I doubt anyone would notice if a foreign ninja painted them."

"For real?"Kisame is suitably shocked. "Is this a village of idiots? Seriously, how is Konoha the most powerful shinobi village to date?"

"It's _because_ we're all crazy." Itachi can finally see the Hokage tower. It's been so long. He starts to feel a little emotional.

Almost in a daze, Itachi enters the tower and climbs up the stairs to the Hokage's office. Kisame follows him, for once not keeping up a running commentary on everything and anything. Feeling a surprisingly nervous, Itachi knocks on the Hokage's office door.

"Enter."

It's been so long since Itachi's heard the voice of his Hokage. Slowly, he opens the door and walks in, followed closely by Kisame. The Hokage is sitting at his desk, doing his paperwork. He looks up, and smiles when he sees Itachi. "Good, you came quickly. I take it this is your partner?"

"I'm Kisame Hoshigaki," Kisame introduces himself. "Itachi's already filled his daily quota of two sentences , so I doubt he'll say anything."

The Hokage laughs. "I am pleased to meet you, Kisame Hoshigaki. May i ask you to wait outside for a few minutes? There are some things I need to discuss with Itachi that pertain to his brother."

"Sure," Kisame agrees readily. "Do you mind if I go up on the roof and get a look at the village?"

"Not at all, just try not to attract attention to yourself."

"Seeya!" Kisame waves cheerfully and exits the room.

"Well Itachi, are you going to say anything?" Lord Third asks, smiling gently.

"It's good to be back in the leaf again," Itachi manages to say without his voice trembling. "How is Sasuke?"

"You can ask him yourself once we're finished here," Lord Third says. "You no longer bear the status of missing nin. Now tell me what you learned of Akatsuki."

Not knowing how to react to the news he is no longer a missing nin, Itachi summarizes what he has learned of Akatsuki. "Akatsuki was founded by the three Hidden Rain orphans Lord Jiraiya trained: Nagato Uzumaki, Yahiko and Konan. Their original purpose was to bring about world peace by talking with their enemies and coming to an understanding with them. After Yahiko was killed during a fight with Hanzo of the Salamander, Nagato took over the leadership of Akatsuki. Two new members, known as Zetsu and Tobi, joined Akatsuki and introduced a plan to cast the world in a genjutsu to create an artificial peace. They plan on fueling the genjutsu with the power of the Tailed Beasts.

"Nagato and Konan also run the Hidden Rain: they killed Hanzo a few years ago. The Hidden Rain and the Akatsuki know Nagato as Lord Pein. That about sums up what I know about Akatsuki's plans. As for members; we work in pairs: myself and Kisame; Hidan of the Land of Hot Water and Kakazu of the Hidden Waterfall; Sasori of the Red Sand and Deidara of the Hidden Stone; Lord Pein and Lady Konan stay in the Hidden Rain most of the time; and Tobi appears to be Zetsu's apprentice. Tobi is the one who set the Ninetails on the Village 12 years ago, and also the one who assisted me with the slaughter of my clan. That is all."

The Hokage considers this information. Finally he says, "How willing do you think Lord Pein would be to revert back to the original plan Akatsuki had for world peace? I would be willing to support an organisation with such ideals as they started out with."

Itachi starts in surprise. "You would ally with Akatsuki?"

"I was originally only going to hire you to kill Danzo but, under the circumstances, I think we could also negotiate peace, don't you?"

"I will send a message to Lord Pein for you, if you truly wish to negotiate with him."

"Good, that's settled," Lord Third smiles. "Fetch your talkative partner so we can discuss the terms of your hire."


	8. Glorified Pranking

Naruto wakes up the morning after he broke into the Secret Archive feeling groggy and tired. He can't remember at first what caused him to get such bad sleep. He was excited by something…

"My Dad and my Mum!" He shouts, remembering. "I know who they are!" Giddy with happiness and now wide awake again, he leaps out of bed, throws on his clothes and wolfs down some toast and milk. He never skips breakfast before training with Kakashi-sensei nowadays. None of his team do.

Bubbling with happiness, Naruto runs down to the training grounds to meet with his team. Maybe Kakashi sensei will actually be on time. Yeah, and maybe he'll also stop reading porn. Naruto arrives to find Sasuke and Sakura are already there.

"Morning Sakura-chan, morning Sasuke-teme!" he shouts, waving.

"Hn," Sasuke grunts, nodding politely.

"Hi, Naruto," Sakura sounds normal again.

They are both obviously bored. "So how long have you guys been here for?" Naruto asks.

"Hn," Sasuke says.

"What's the matter, Sasuke-teme? Used up your weekly quota of complete sentences already?" Naruto teases.

" _Hn_."

"Oh, you aren't awake properly yet," Naruto nods in understanding, "I guess you had trouble sleeping last night too."

"I've been here about ten minutes," chimes in Sakura. "So what are we going to do while we're waiting for Kakashi sensei this time?"

Sasuke and Naruto both turn to stare at her.

"Hn?" Sasuke frowns, looking confused.

Naruto considers this question. There is really only one thing he wants to do. "Let's set up a prank to catch him!"

Three hours later…

"Yo," Kakashi Sensei appears with a hand raised in greeting.

"You're late!" Naruto and Sakura chorus. "We've been waiting here for ages."

"I thought you might actually show up on time for once, considering what happened yesterday," grumbles Sakura.

"Sorry, I got lost on the Road of Life," apologises Kakashi-sensei. He slouches forward, hands in his pockets. "So do you feel up for a mission?" And then a gushing stream of tomato sauce cascades down from the tree-tops, soaking Kakashi-sensei from head to toe before he can so much as blink.

The three genin burst out laughing at the sight of their miserable looking sensei.

"That's what you get for being three hours late!" Sakura gwaffs.

"From now on, whenever you're late, you _will_ get pranked," adds Naruto, holding his stomach and giggling.

"Hn," concurs Sasuke. "Now you better actually train us today."

Kakashi adopts a look very close to the one kicked puppies have. "I'm gonna clean this stuff off first." he turns and starts to sludge towards the nearby river. He has barely gone two steps before he is sprayed from all sides with soapy water.

"There, you're clean," says Sakura. "Now train us. I'm sick of being useless."

"I want to learn some awesome ninja moves," Naruto says, feeling all fired up. "The only one I have is shadow clones. Teach me more!"

Team seven stares at their sensei expectantly.

Kakashi-sensei looks from Naruto to Sakura to Sasuke and back to Naruto. "There is something dreadfully wrong with what you just said Naruto. Any guesses as to what it is?"

Naruto frowns, his brain working overtime to figure out what Kakashi-sensei is talking about. "Um…" he scratches his head. "I only know one good jutsu?" he guesses.

"Wrong. Anyone else?"

"Maybe if you spent less time on pranks, you would know more jutsu!" Sakura scolds Naruto, hands on her hips.

"Wrong as well, Sakura," Kakashi-sensei drones.

"Naruto outsmarted three ANBU yesterday," Sasuke says slowly. "Using his pranking skills rather than his ninja skills."

"You're on the right track, Sasuke," Kakashi says, smiling. "Now, can any of you tell me what infiltration and espionage tactics are?"

"Um.." Naruto screws up his eyes in confusion. What do those long words mean, anyway?

"It's the art of breaking into enemy territory and causing damage," Sakura recites.

"That is the textbook answer, yes," Kakashi says, nodding. "But not the answer I'm looking for."

"Just tell us, sensei," grouses Sasuke. "You've wasted enough training time today."

"Infiltration and espionage tactics are a fancy name for pranking," Kakashi says patiently. "They also happen to be a valuable and very important shinobi skill." he crosses his arms impatiently. "Now who can tell me what traps are?"

"A fancy name for pranks," Sasuke says slowly. He sounds like he's just realized something important.

"Exactly," says Kakashi-sensei. "Now tell me, based on this information, what is wrong with Naruto's statement that shadow clones are his only good ninja move?"

Looking slightly awestruck, Sakura says "Naruto's advanced pranking abilities mean that he is a master of traps, infiltration and espionage."

"Waitwaitwait!" Naruto jumps up and down excitedly. "You mean pranking is a ninja skill?"

"Yes," says Kakashi-sensei, smiling. "Today I shall train you in the art of Glorified Pranking, otherwise known as traps."

"Yes!" Naruto jumps up, punching the air.

Sakura feels worn out and run down. Her team has only been training for a few hours, but already she is out of both energy and chakra. The boys are both still full of energy.

"Sakura, if you need to rest, do so," Kakashi sensei tells her quietly. "It won't do you any good if you overtrain yourself."

Frustrated, Sakura sinks down onto the ground and slaps the earth with her fist. "Why don't I have at much energy as the boys?" she asks. "They didn't even sleep properly last night, and they're still going!" She whines. "And Sasuke is _still_ half asleep!"

Kakashi sensei squats down beside her. "Have you been eating properly lately?" he asks.

"What do you mean?" asks Sakura confused. Why is Kakashi sensei even asking that?

"What's your diet like?" he clarifies.

"How did you know I'm on a diet?" Sakura asks without thinking.

Kakashi sensei's suddenly looks angry. "Do you mean to tell me you are skipping meals and eating sparingly?"

"Yes," Sakura admits, confused as to why Kakashi sensei is angry about that.

"That needs to stop now," Says Kakashi sensei, pulling out a scroll and beginning to write furiously. "I am writing a note for your parents - and I will know if you don't give it to them - asking them to ensure you eat properly from now on. That means eating until you are properly full at every meal-"

"But what if i get fat?" interrupts Sakura.

"You won't get fat Sakura," Kakashi sensei sighs frustratedly. "You will burn off all the extra calories during training."

Sakura opens her mouth to protest.

"If you're still worried, go for a run every morning," Kakashi tells her. "That will also help build up your stamina. The reason you don't have enough stamina now is because you aren't eating enough." He hands her the scroll to give to her parents. Then he stand and calls out to the boys, "How about we stop for lunch now?"


	9. Soup: The Food of the World

"Let's get ramen!" Naruto shouts as team seven heads into town to get some lunch.

"We need something a little more substantial than ramen, Naruto," says Kakashi.

"How about tomato soup?" asks Sasuke. He really wants some.

"Tomato soup isn't all that substantial either, Sasuke," says Kakashi impatiently.

"It comes with dumplings," points out Sasuke.

"Which restaurant sells tomato soup?" asks Sakura, sounding curious.

"'Konoha's Best Soups. EVER'" Sasuke informs her.

"Alright, we'll go to the soup kitchen," Kakashi relents. "But you three cannot order watery soups, understand?"

"Yes sensei," Sakura and Naruto chorus.

"Hn," Sasuke nods firmly.

They set off to 'Konoha's Best Soups. EVER', and arrive a few minutes later. Sasuke orders 'Mikoto's Tomato Soup' straight away, but his team mates pour over the menu for a while. Eventually Kakashi orders 'Hashirama's eggplant stew', Sakura orders 'The Result of Letting Shisui Uchiha Loose in the Kitchen' and Naruto orders 'Might Dai's Ramen Soup'.

While they are waiting for their soup, the team discusses the names of the items on the menu.

"So who's Mikoto, anyway?" Naruto asks.

"My mother," says Sasuke.

"And who's Might Dai?"

"A shinobi who had a lot of guts but not a lot of skill," says Kakashi. "His son Gai is a friend of mine. Gai also has a genin team. Maybe I should arrange for a joint training session."

"Hey, Sasuke-teme, were you there when they let Shisui loose in the kitchen?" Naruto asks.

"Yes," says Sasuke.

"The only reason he got let loose in the first place was because Father couldn't cook," A voice says from behind Sasuke. A voice Sasuke knows.

The others are staring at the person behind Sasuke with surprised looks on their faces. Slowly Sasuke turns around and looks up at the person standing quietly behind him. He sees a black cloak adorned with red and white clouds. Sasuke looks upwards slowly. "Itachi…" Sasuke chokes out.

"Hello Otouto," says Itachi.

"Nii-san!" Sasuke throws himself at Itachi and hugs him tightly. Sasuke smiles into his brother's cloak when he feels his brother hug him back. "I know the truth."

"I know," says Itachi. "The Hokage informed me. I am no longer a missing nin. However, I am staying in Akatsuki."

Sasuke grins up at his brother. "We're having lunch, do you wanna join us?"

"Of course," says Itachi, disentangling himself from his little brother and pulling up a chair. "Kakashi senpai," he says nodding to Kakashi. "I take it you two are Sakura Haruno and Naruto Uzumaki?" he gestures to Naruto and Sakura.

"Uh-huh," Naruto nods. "I'm Naruto Uzumaki, dattebayo."

"I'm Sakura," Sakura says blushing. "It's nice to meet you, Itachi-san."

"There you are, Itachi!" a huge man with blue, shark-like features appears beside Itachi. "Why'd you disappear? We have a mission to do, remember? We gotta take that message back to Pain-sama and hunt down Danzo."

Itachi shrugs.

"Who're you?" demands Naruto.

"I'm Kisame Hoshigaki," the shark man says. "I'm one of the seven Ninja swordsmen of the Mist. I wield the blade Samehada. Me an' Itachi are partners in Akatsuki. I bring the muscle, he brings the mystery."

"Sit down and order some soup," orders Itachi.

"Yes Itachi," says Kisame, sitting down and picking up the menu. "So who are you guys?"

"Sakura Haruno."

"Kakashi Hatake."

"Naruto Uzumaki, 'ttabayou."

"Sasuke Uchiha."

"You're Itachi's little brother?" Kisame surveys Sasuke critically.

"Hn."

Itachi shrugs.

The waiter comes and delivers team sevens orders and takes Kisame and Itachi's orders. Kisame orders 'Kushina's Crab Stew' while Itachi orders 'Obito's Attempt at Turning Dango into Soup'.

The table falls silent as team seven tucks into their soup. Soon Itachi and Kisame's bowls of soup arrive. Kisame frowns at Itachi's bowl. "That looks... _odd_." he comments skeptically.

"Well, Obito was an odd person," says Kakashi. "I remember when he tried to turn Dango into soup. The result was surprisingly amazing."

"So have you been hired to kill Danzo?" Sasuke asks, wanting to get as much of Itachi's attention before Itachi left him with his team (one of whom had BAD cooties).

"Yep," but it's Kisame who answers, not Itachi. "We'll be leaving once we're finished here."

Sasuke stares down at his almost empty bowl of soup. "You're leaving again just after you got here?"

"I'll be back again soon, Sasuke," says Itachi, standing up to leave. "Come, Kisame, we're leaving."

"You're finished already?" Sakura asks, surprised.

"We don't muck around, kid," says Kisame, heading over to the counter to pay for his and Itachi's soup.

"Can't you stay a little longer?" Sasuke begs - _asks_ , staring up at his brother desperately.

"Sorry Sasuke," says Itachi, poking him in the forehead with two fingers. "Not this time."

And then Itachi and Kisame were gone, almost as if they were never there in the first place.

* * *

 **Omake**

 **Soup Story One: Shisui is Let Loose in the Kitchen.**

 _ **Thanks for 40 followers. ~Cyrro and Ignis Dracorex**_

Mikoto is out training her apprentice and Fugaku has a problem. This problem is driving him crazy. He cannot think straight. What is he supposed to do? For most people the problem would be simple. In fact, if Itachi was not on a mission with his genin team, Fugaku would just ask his oldest son to fix it.

The dinner, that is.

Because, you see, Fugaku Uchiha is many things: the Head of the Mighty Uchiha Clan, a father to two wonderfully talented boys, a powerful and feared shinobi, the list goes on. But there is one thing he has never been able to do.

Cook.

He even burns toast.

And ramen. Minato never let him live that down. I mean, who burns ramen?

It's not that he's never tried to cook either.

Some people wear glasses. Some people are afraid of heights. Some people are no good with kids. _CoughHiashiCough._ Some people are deliberately late for everything - okay bad example. But these are facts they cannot change without great difficulty and/or a miracle. The fact of Fugaku's life (and the reason his mother hit him over the head a lot) is simple. Fugaku cannot cook. At all. End of story.

Sasuke will be home for tea soon, after a long, intense day of running from the girls' cooties. And he will be hungry. Too hungry for Fugaku to just make his son a sandwich. It was a stroke of genius on Shisui's part to tell Sasuke about cooties. Fugaku was worried the girls would eat him alive and destroy his innocence too soon. About 30 years too soon - Fugaku doesn't even want his son to know about sex or where babies come from until he is 35. Sasuke must stay innocent. Another Fact Of Life. So Shisui's help was much appreciated

Hold on. SHISUI.

Shisui might be able to help.

Fugaku runs over to Shisui's house. "SHISUI!" he shouts (not frantically. Definitely not frantically. Or in panic. Fugaku is calm. Very calm.)

"Oh, hi Fugaku-sama," Shisui says, when he sees his clan head. "What's up?"

"Do you wanna have dinner with Sasuke and me tonight?" Fugaku asks calmly. Best pretend he isn't in a panicked frenzy.

"What's the catch?" asks Shisui, balancing a Kunai on the end of his finger.

"You have to cook."

Shisui's entire face lights up. "Sweet!"

Suddenly Fugaku is very, very afraid.

They go back to Fugaku's house and Shisui, rubbing his hands together with a grin of glee on his face, enters the kitchen and shuts Fugaku out. Odd sounds emanate from the kitchen. Evil laughter, banging, the sound of knives being thrown, chopping noses. Even the sound of pen scratching on paper can be heard.

It gets so bad that Fugaku has to sit on the front steps and listen to the radio. Eventually Sasuke runs up the drive. Fugaku stops him from going inside. "Don't go in there: Shisui's in the kitchen."

Sasuke stares at his father with a look of horror on his face. "You let Shisui loose in the kitchen? What do you have against the kitchen?!"

"I didn't know the dangers." Fugaku pats the spot beside him. Sasuke sits down and they sit in silence for a while, listening to the radio.

Then Shisui emerges wearing a frilly white apron and a bandanna. "Dinner is served," he says, with all the eloquence of a professional waiter.

They follow him to the kitchen, expecting the worst. What they find is a perfectly laid out table with a rack of toast in the centre and three bowls of smooth brown soup, garnished with slices of boiled egg.

A week later, a new item appears on the menu of 'Konoha's Best Soups. EVER'. The item is called 'The Result of Letting Shisui Uchiha Loose in the Kitchen'.


	10. Well, Look at That Itachi's a Spy

It is on days like this one that Nagato misses Yahiko the most. Days when Konan agrees to cook her special sushi for lunch. Yahiko loved that sushi.

Unfortunately, the sushi will have to wait: Itachi and Kisame are back at the base, and they want to speak with him. Through the old body of Yahiko, Nagato meets them as Lord Pein. "What is it you have to report that requires my personal attention?" Lord Pein asks his subordinates.

"We have a mission from the Hokage of the Village Hidden in the Leaves," Itachi informs him. "It is a mission for all of Akatsuki not just one team."

"Hey, Nagato!" Konan's voice assails Nagato's actual eras. "The Sushi's ready!"

Switching to speaking with his actual mouth, Nagato calls back; "I'm in a meeting with Kisame and Itachi, I'll be there soon."

"Invite them to join us," Konan commands. "There is enough for four."

"Okay," Nagato relents, somewhat reluctantly. He is a little shy about his real body's appearance. Switching back to Lord Pein, Nagato says to Itachi, "I am sorry I zoned out. Konan wishes that you have lunch with us. We can discuss this new mission over the meal. Follow me." He turns and leads Itachi and Kisame through the base to where Konan, looking strangely out of place in the kitchen, is setting the table for four.

"Get your real ass in here now, Nagato," Konan orders. Then she turns to Itachi and Kisame. "You sit there and you sit there," she directs them, leaving no room for argument. They obey her orders while Pain wheels Nagato into the room.

"That's what you actually look like?" Kisame asks, incredulously. "I had no idea you were a red-head."

"I'm intrigued to know what the Hokage would want to hire Akatsuki for," says Nagato, pulling his wheelchair into a comfortable position at the table. Just the sight of the sushi is making him miss Yahiko.

"The Hokage wants to hire Akatsuki?" Konan barely shows her surprise.

"Yes," confirms Itachi. "He actually has two propositions for you. The first is this: he wishes to hire Akatsuki to kill Danzo Shimura. The second is a proposition for peace."

Surprised, Nagato takes a moment to let this sink in before saying, "Tell me the terms for our being hired to kill Danzo first."

Itachi nods. "The Hokage will pay -yen to Akatsuki as an advance fee if we agree to kill Danzo. If someone kills Danzo before us we will be paid -yen for our services. If we succeed in killing Danzo, or if we kill him with the assistance of another, we will be paid -yen. I have a contract right here that spells out all the details. All you need to do is sign both copies, and once I have taken one copy to the Hokage, Akatsuki will be officially hired to kill Danzo."

Konan places a large plate of sushi in the centre of the table and sits down. "Itadakimasu," she says, and they follow her example. "So what is this peace proposition?" Konan asks, taking a piece of sushi in her chopsticks.

"There is something you should know before I explain the peace proposition," says Itachi. "I am a spy for Konoha."

Nagato drops his chopsticks. "You're a what?"

"A spy," says Itachi, as if it the most normal thing in the world. "I am here to spy on Akatsuki. While I was in Konoha, I gave my report on Akatsuki to the Hokage. He was very interested to learn that Akatsuki's original plan was to steer the world towards peace by negotiating with its enemies and coming to an understanding of each other's pain. The Hokage is intrigued by this, and wants to know if you will abandon Project Tsuki no Me, and help Konoha in her quest to unite all the Shinobi villages. It was the dream of the First Hokage to bring about world peace through negotiation, afterall."

Nagato stares at him. If only this had happened while Yahiko was alive…

"I think it's a good idea," says Konan. She's reading the contract of hire for killing Danzo. "The Hokage has acknowledged our plan years after we abandoned it, thinking it was a waste of time."

"Hanzo said our plan was a good one, but he stabbed us in the back," points out Nagato.

"He was influenced by Danzo," says Itachi. "Otherwise he would never have double-crossed you. Danzo told Hanzo that your goal was his death and Hanzo believed him."

Nagato is torn. On the one hand he is sure that all this will come to nothing, but on the other hand… "Alright, I will consider the Hokage's proposal, but I would like to meet him and talk it over in person."

"Very well, I will send him a message requesting a meeting between the two of you," says Itachi. "I hope you agree, I do not wish to continue being a spy among the people I have come to think of as friends."

After Itachi and Kisame leave, Nagato stares out the window across the Hidden Rain. Konan walks up beside him. "What will Madara and Zetsu say about this?"

"They won't be happy," says Nagato. "Why did I agree to listen to the Hokage? Why can't I just accept that there is no such thing as peace?"

Konan is silent for what seems like an agonizingly long time. Then she says, "I think you agreed because you miss Yahiko, and if there is a chance for his dream to be a reality then you will take it."

"How do you know that's what I'm feeling?" Nagato asks, looking up at her expressionless face.

Konan turns to him, her face for once revealing the turmoil of emotions running through her. "I miss him too," she says.


	11. All We Are Saying is Give Peace a Chance

It is a normal day in Konoha. The sun is shining, a gentle breeze is blowing, Kakashi is running late and Iruka is yelling at his students.

It is a normal day for Konoha, except for one thing. Lord Pein, leader of Akatsuki and god of the Hidden Rain and his counterpart Lady Konan, Angel of the Hidden Rain are sitting in a peace conference with the Third Hokage of the Village Hidden in the Leaves.

"Here is the contract for killing Danzo Shimura," Lady Konan says, passing the signed document to the Third Hokage. "We agree to all the terms and accept the mission."

"Good," Lord Third replies, taking the contract. "Now, about my proposition for peace." he folds his hands together under his chin and peers at Lord Pein. "I am sure Itachi told you my opinion on your original plan?"

"He did," replies Pein. "I am surprised that you managed to send a spy to infiltrate our ranks. But most surprised that it is working out to our advantage."

"I believe you gave up on your plan too soon," Lord Third begins to say, when a short, orange-clad boy with bright yellow hair climbs into the meeting room through the window.

"Yey, Gramps," he says, grinning at the Hokage. "Who are these guys and what plan are you talking about?"

"They are the leaders of Akatsuki and of the Hidden Rain village, Naruto," the Third says patiently. "Lord Pein and Lady Konan, this is Naruto Uzumaki."

"Hey," says Naruto. "But what's the plan you were talkin' about, 'ttebayo? Is it a good plan?"

"I think it is a good plan," the Third replies.

All Pein can think is _He's an Uzumaki. His name is Naruto. He is from my clan. He has the same name as the character in Jiraiya sensei's book. Who_ is _this boy?_

"The plan is to make peace with our enemies by understanding them and their pain," the Third is still talking in a grandfatherly way to the boy.

"Oh, so like how I made friends with Haku because we understood each other, 'cause we'd been through similar pain in the past?" the boy says reasonably.

Pein stares at him in surprise. "Did you do that on purpose?"

"Nah, it sorta just happened," says the boy. "I wanted him to stop treating himself like a tool, and he said he was happier being a tool than being alone. So we sorta came to an understanding, and even though Haku is dead, I still think of him as my friend, even though we were enemies when we met."

"You…" Pein cannot quite believe his ears. Did this boy even know what he was doing? "If the Hidden Leaf has someone like you, then I think… I will give this plan another chance."

The boy stares up at Lord Pain with a very confused expression on his face. "So you want your village to be friends with the Hidden Leaf?" he asks.

"Yes," says Lord Pein. Turning his attention to the Third he says, "Akatsuki will abandon project Tsuki no Me and take up Yahiko's plan again."

Akatsuki has gathered at their base in the Hidden Rain. Kisame sits silently next to Itachi, waiting for Lord Pain to appear and give them the debriefing he has ordered them to gather for. Finally, Pein appears, presumably he is going to announce the hunt for Danzo, and whether or not Akatsuki will be abandoning project Tsuki no Me.

Lord Pein enters the room, silencing Deidara and Sasori's argument over what true art is. "We have a mission from the Hidden Leaf." he states solidly.

"What in the Hell possessed you to take a mission from the Leaf?" demands Hidan, crossing his arms.

"Akatsuki and the Leaf are now allies," explains Lord Pein. "And The Third Hokage has hired us to kill Danzo Shimura. He has already paid us -yen as an advance fee, with -yen to be paid to us if someone gets to Danzo before us and -yen to be paid to us when we kill Danzo."

Kisame could've sworn he heard cash register sounds coming from Kakazu, followed by Yen symbols appearing in the miser's eyes.

"But that is not all," Pein continues.

 _Here it comes,_ Kisame tenses in anticipation.

"Akatsuki is abandoning Project Tsuki no Me," Pein announces. "From now on we will, with the assistance of the Hidden Leaf, try to unite the shinobi world through negotiation and create a true peace that we will earn with our blood, sweat and tears: a peace that will last."

"Tobi thinks this plan is silly," pipes up Tobi. "Tobi thinks Lord Pein is being idealistic."

"Then Tobi can leave," says Lord Pein, his voice like steel.

"I agree with Tobi," says Zetsu. "You already decided that Project Tsuki no Me is the only way to attain peace. We joined forces with you to complete this project."

"We no longer wish to be a part of this plan," says Lord Pein. "If you must persist with it, leave and find someone else to help you. I want to give true peace a chance." He looks around at the circle of Akatsuki members. "If any of you wish to follow Zetsu, now is the time to speak up."

Kisame is torn. He came to Akatsuki because Tobi invited him with promises of a perfect world, free from pain and suffering. He came because he was sick of killing his friends. Should he leave with Tobi and Zetsu or stay with Lord Pein? He looks around at the other members of Akatsuki.

"I'm with ya, Lord Pein, un," says Deidara. "So long as my man Sasori doesn't wanna leave."

"I will stay," says Sasori. "If peace is obtained, I want it to be genuine."

"I'm in, so long as we keep seeing figures like the ones the Hokage's offering," says Kakazu.

"I'm with you too," adds Hidan. "Maybe I can spread the word of Jashin among the shinobi we ally with."

"I will stay," says Itachi. "Not as a spy, but from now on as a true ally of Akatsuki."

They all turn to Kisame.

"Tobi brought Kisame here," says Tobi. "Kisame should follow Tobi."

Kisame feels cornered. If even _one_ of the others had agreed to go with Zetsu and Tobi he would've gone in a heartbeat, but…

He really wants to stay, he has come to think of Itachi as his best friend, even if Itachi doesn't think of him as a friend, on the other hand, he owes his loyalty to Tobi. But still…

Deciding to go with Tobi, he says, "I will stay with Akatsuki."

Oh, no. He said the wrong thing. Shit, now he's committed to staying with Akatsuki.

Strangely, he feels happy about this.

* * *

 **Omake**

Soup Story Two: Obito, What are you Doing to that Dango?

 _ **AN From Cyrro:**_ _This Omake is dedicated to the fact we have reached the 20 review mark. (Actually we have surpassed it by one. For some reason the reviews for chapter 8 onwards have mysteriously ceased to exist. Feel free to complain to the site support people, since my laptop won't let me and Ignus Dracorex is too chicken.)_

* * *

Kakashi is done with his annoying team and just wants to go home. Unfortunately, Minato sensei wants to take them to meet his girlfriend. How such a loser ever got a girlfriend is beyond Kakashi. So is why someone would want a girlfriend in the first place. But then again, it is an adult thing and he's just a kid.

"Kushina!" Minato sensei yells. "Tadaima!"

"Okari!" a red haired hurricane sweeps into Minato sensei, knocking him flat on his back. Kakashi stares in undisguised fascination. That is some red, red hair. Then he pulls a face. They are kissing. Yuk.

"Ew! Gross!" Obito yells out in horror. "Sensei!"

"Blegh," even Rin doesn't want to see that.

The red haired woman snaps her head up. "You brought your new genins, dattebane!" she squeals, pulling all three into a hug. "You're so cute!"

She holds them all at arms length. "How old are you all - you're so tiny!"

"I'm nine!" says Obito proudly.

"So am I," says Rin, a little more subdued. "You're pretty, miss."

"Aw, thank you!" Kushina hugs Rin again. Releasing Rin, she descends on Kakashi. "Tell me, you're the smallest: how old are you, seven?"

"Five." Kakashi says dully.

"Wait, you're only five?!" Obito shouts. "I thought you were just really short!"

"You're an idiot," says Kakashi, crossing his arms.

"But, But, But…" Obito points and stares.

Minato sensei laughs nervously. "Okay, kids. Um, shall we go take a look around the garden?"

"Sure!" Rin seems happy enough with that suggestion.

"Do you have any Dango?" asks Obito. "I'm hungry."

"I think I have some in the kitchen," says Kushina thoughtfully. "It should be on the counter. Just go through there and get it, then come join us outside."

"Cool, thanks!" Obito bounds off into the kitchen.

Kushina leads them all to the backyard. It is quite impressive, Kakashi decides. He stares up at the big trees and the little pond. Rin crouches down next to the pond and stares at the little fishes. Minato sensei and Kushina watch them, holding hands.

Minato sensei leads Kushina to where Kakashi is standing, staring up at the biggest tree. "That's a sakura tree," says Minato. "It just finished blooming."

"I like sakuras," says Kakashi, softly.

Then Rin appears beside them. "Yes, sakura trees are pretty," she says. "But where is Obito?"

"I sent him to the kitchen to get the dango I left on the bench," says Kushina.

"So where is he now?" asks Rin.

A rather worrying set of noises floats out of the house.

Minato and Kushina look at eachother, then RUN inside. Rin and Kakashi follow them.

They find Obito standing on a chair, stirring a pot of something delicious-smelling. He turns and grins at them. "I made the dango into soup!"

"Minato, I think your genin has ADHD," says Kushina.

Obito's face falls. He looks like he's going to cry.

"I'm sorry, 'tebane!" Kushina immediately relents, hugging Obito.

Curious about what he is smelling, Kakashi sneaks over to the pot and take a spoonful of soup. His eyes widen.

"Did you just eat that?" asks Rin. "You shouldn't have! It's dangerous to eat Obito's cooking!" she is panicking.

"But it's good," says Kakashi. "Surprisingly good."

Minato sensei steps forward and takes a mouthful of the soup. "Obito," he says seriously. "You need to write down what you did so I can give it to 'Konoha's Best Soups. EVER.'"


	12. Attack of the Cooties

"Moooorning Sakura-chan, morning Sasuke-teme," Naruto's enthusiastic greeting grates on Sasuke's still sleepy ears.

"Oh, hey, Naruto," Sakura says.

"Hn," says Sasuke, by which he means 'good morning Naruto. I'm still half asleep; please don't shout, you're hurting my ears.'

"Oh, sorry Sasuke," apologizes Naruto, understanding perfectly.

"So what are we going to do to sensei for being late today?" Sakura asks.

Naruto's grin scares Sasuke.

Three hours later…

Sasuke is bored. Naruto's prank involved letting shadow clones do all the work while they waited for Kakashi. _The sooner we trade him in for a new sensei the better,_ Sasuke thinks. Unfortunately they kept forgetting to ask the Hokage for a new teacher.

"Yo, guys," Kakashi finally appears. "I'm afraid I got lost on the way here."

"That's the worst excuse yet!" Sakura screams, angry.

"You could at least come up with a good excuse," Naruto chimes in, pointing angrily. "Sasuke had time to take a morning nap while we were waiting for you!"

"Hn," Sasuke agrees. He'd actually taken a nap, too. Not that he'd admit it to anyone outside his team.

"What, no pranks today?" Kakashi asks. "Good, then let's go on a mission."

After the mission…

"I can't believe you over did it _again_ Naruto," Sakura scolds her teammate as she drags him back through the village. (Sasuke hopes Naruto knows that Sakura has cootis. But, judging by the amount of time Naruto's been in contact with Sakura, he should be infected by now. So it probably doesn't matter. All the same, Sasuke decides, he'd better stay away from the two of them for a while, just to safe.)

"You're such a nuisance, dobe," Sasuke says. "I wish you would stop trying so hard; you're better when you _don't try_."

"Grr," Naruto gets mad and tries to attack Sasuke.

Sakura holds him back. "Calm down or I'll flatten you!" Sakura orders, waving her fist at Naruto.

Sasuke notices Kakashi looking up at the sky. He looks up to see what caught Kakashi's attention. A hawk is flying overhead, calling and circling in a seemingly random pattern. It swoops over team seven's position and screeches loudly. Sakura and Naruto don't notice because they are squabbling.

"Well, it looks like I have to go and hand in our mission report," says kakashi. "You kids have fun." Kakashi shunshins away, disturbing book in hand.

"So Sasuke," Sakura says, her entire demeanor changing. "Do you wanna train together, just the two of us?"

"No," snaps Sasuke. "Training with you is too easy. You really need to improve. You're worse than Naruto when he's trying his hardest."

"Hey!" Naruto shouts, lunging at Sasuke. "That sounded like an insult!"

Sasuke quickly steps out of Naruto's path and shunshins away. He does NOT want to risk catching cooties.

"What's gotten into Sasuke?" Naruto wonders. "He's gone back to being all emo."

"He probably misses Itachi," Sakura says, feeling downhearted. The worst on the team? Even Inner Sakura feels crushed. It is true, of course. But she has been improving. Training has been much easier since she stopped dieting - she has so much more energy than before, and she feels stronger too.

Then Sakura sees the oddest thing: a square rock is trying to sneak up on Naruto. Naruto glares at it then walks away. Or at least he _tries_ to walk away. The rock scoots after him. Naruto snaps around. "Show yourself! That disguise is horrible; everyone knows rocks aren't square!"

Sakura watches as three eight year olds climb out from underneath the rectangular rock disguise. There are two boys and a girl, all wearing goggles like the ones Naruto had worn in the academy. "You saw through our disguise," says one of the boys, obviously the ringleader. "That's why you're our boss, kore."

"Oh, it's you guys," Naruto says. Obviously he knows these kids. "What's with the goggles?"

"We're copying you!" the boy announces.

"Uh-ha," Naruto pretends to be nonchalant, probably trying to impress Sakura or something. "So what do you guys want anyway?"

"You promised to play ninja with us today!"

Sakura can't quite believe her ears. "You, a ninja, play at being a ninja with little kids?" Inner Sakura is worming her way to the surface, all she needs is provocation…

"Hey boss, is she your girlfriend?"

"Well, um, not yet." Naruto says blushing.

"More like never!" Inner Sakura breaks free and punches Naruto.

"What kind of girl are you?" the kid screams, the other two kids huddling behind him in fear, as well they should. "You're like some kind of big-browed monster pretending to be a girl!"

"What was that, shannaro?!" Sakura turns on the kid, every inch of her body consumed by anger.

The three kids and Naruto turn and run, much like Danzo had that time. Sakura gives chase. "You aren't getting away from me, shannaro!"

The little kid who made fun of Sakura runs into someone and falls to the footpath.

"Now, what do we have here?" says the person, a tall boy dressed in black, with purple face paint and a large wrapped object strapped to his back.

Beside him is a girl with four blonde ponytails and a giant fan on her back.


	13. Rookies are Put Forward

Kakashi hands his report to Iruka. It never ceases to amaze him just how much paper work Iruka does.

"So how's Naruto?" Iruka asks. "Has he been causing anymore village emergencies?"

"Not yet," Kakashi replies. "But he has been leading the team in pranks against me."

"So they're still getting along alright, then?"

"Mostly. Sasuke is less wound up,which helps."

"Is Naruto's training going well? I don't get a very good picture of what actually happens. Naruto tends to spend a lot of time complaining about how they keep forgetting to trade you in for a new sensei - one that isn't broken."

Kakashi laughs. "Every ninja is broken. Naruto's training is... getting there. He keeps trying to hard. You know how he fails when he tries too hard. But he so desperately wants to catch up to his hero. You."

Iruka blushes with pride.

"I hereby announce that, one week from today, on the first of July," says the Third Hokage. "The chunin selection exams will begin. Those jonin senseis who have students they believe are ready to participate will now put forward their recommendations.

"Asuma sensei, Kurenai sensei, Kakashi sensei; your teams are the newest genin in the village. Do you wish to recommend any of them?"

Kakashi steps forward. He wants to recommend team seven because he is sick of them pranking him and wants them out of his hair. Not that he would admit that. "I, Kakashi Hatake, jounin sensei of team seven, recommend all three of my students, Naruto Uzumaki, Sasuke Uchiha and Sakura Haruno, for the chunin exams."

Kurenai steps forward. "I, Kurenai Yuhi, jounin sensei of team Eight, recommend all three of my students, Hinata Hyuuga, Shino Aburame and Kiba Inuzuka, for the chunin exams."

Asuma steps forward. "I, Asuma Sarutobi, jounin sensei of team ten, recommend all three of my students. Shikamaru Nara, Choji Akimichi and Ino Yamanaka, for the Chunin exams."

Kakashi wonders if the other two senseis are feeling competitive.

And then Iruka steps forward. "Are you three sure your students are ready for this?" he asks. "They are barely out of the academy. Kakashi I can understand you recommending your students, considering they want to trade you in for a sensei who isn't broken and you probably want them to start liking you a bit more. But are you sure they can handle it?"

"Iruka, I can understand why you are worried they aren't ready," says Kakashi, feeling a little annoyed. Why did Iruka have to bring up his team's plan to trade him in? "But as Naruto can outsmart ANBU black ops, Sasuke can use the Sharingan and Sakura can make Danzo run for his life out of fear alone, then they can handle whatever the chunin exams throw at them. That's assuming they can survive the second round without ramen, tomato soup and properly washed hair respectively, that is."

"Good point." Iruka turns to Kurenai. "And what reasons do you have for submitting your team?"

"They need a challenge," Kurenai states. "Their skills are developing fast, and this is an opportunity for them to test themselves against other genin."

"That is an acceptable reason," Iruka nods. "And you, Asuma?"

"You are such an annoyance," Asuma snaps. "I don't need to justify myself to you. If I think my students are ready then they are ready."

"Watch yourself, Asuma," Iruka says casually. "You're dangerously close to facing my fury."

"Ooh I'm so scared," Asuma says sarcastically.

Personally, Kakashi thinks Asuma would do well to be very, very scared.

"Iruka has a point," Might Gai pipes up unexpectedly. "You three are rushing your students into this. I myself held my team back a year so they could mature. Perhaps you should consider doing the same."

"Your team will eat my team's dust," Kakashi says, grinning. "Just like you eat mine."

"KAKASHI!" Gai shouts. "You. You. Gaaaaa!"

Kakashi tries not to laugh at how worked up Gai is getting.

"Team Gai's Flames of Youth will out shine team Kakashi's Flames of Youth!"

"I take it that means you are recommending your team as well, Gai?" the Hokage asks, hiding a smile. He has obviously learned that Gai and normal don't mix.

"That I am!" Gai gives his best thumbs up and smile, complete with tooth-sparkle. "I, Might Gai, recommend my three students, Neji Hyuga, Rock Lee and Tenten for the chunin selection exams."

* * *

 **Omake**

 **Cooties Part Two.**

 **AN:** _This Omake is dedicated to exactly 60 follows_

Sasuke wakes up one morning, puts on his cootie-repellent and heads out to training. Before he leaves, he grabs his cootie repellent and stuffs it into his pouch. Happier than normal, he heads off with a spring in his step.

But he notices something odd. The village is quiet. Too quiet. Feeling a little unnerved he runs into the nearest shop to ask what is going on. People are lying on the floor, dead. Desperately, Sasuke searches for someone who is alive. Finally he finds a man, lying on the floor choking out his last breath.

Sasuke runs to him and kneels down next to him. "What happened?" he asks.

"It-it's the c-cooties!" says the man. "They evolved! N-now they can kill adults a-and girls t-too! Take the c-cootie repellent! K-kill them!"

"I will!" Promises Sasuke as the man dies.

With epic music playing in the back ground, Sasuke finds a bunch of cootie repellent holsters, hangs them around his body and fills them with bottles and bottles of spray on cootie repellent. In slow motion, he walks out of the shop armed with a bottle of cootie repellent in each hand.

He sprays the streets, the ground, the corpses he passes. He goes to his team's training ground to find them dead. He falls to his knees and screams, all in slow motion.

"I will avenge them!" he declares over his team's graves. Graves he spent hours digging, getting dirty and sweaty.

He sprays himself with another dose of cootie repellent and heads out into the world, to save them all from the Scourge of the Cooties.

Sasuke wakes up in a cold sweat. It was just a dream. Just a dream. But just to be safe, he sprays himself with another dose of cootie repellent.

"I really need to stop watching action films and zombie movies," he mutters.


	14. A Sandy Situation

The boy in black lifts Konohamaru up by his scarf.

"Hey, you put him down now!" Naruto orders, letting himself slip into prankster mode.

"Or what, shorty?" sneers the strange boy. "You gonna fight me? Sure you can reach high enough?"

"Just put the kid down, Kankuro," says the girl. "We don't want to cause trouble and mess up our chances."

"What chances?" asks Naruto, grinning. Then he opens up a bag of prankster-prince on Kankuro's backside. Roughly ten minutes later, Konohamaru is back on the ground, standing beside Naruto. He and his friends, Moegi and Udon, are staring up at Naruto their faces filled with awe.

The blonde girl is staring at Naruto in a mixture of pure horror and respect, while Sakura just stands and smiles angelically at Kankuro. Kankuro is tied up in Naruto's orange pranking rope. He is also hanging upside down from a nearby tree with messages painted all over his face and body. His hood is lying on the ground below him and his naturally brown hair has adopted a beautiful shade of fluorescent green. The messages say things like; "I'm an egg", "I'm a stupid pussy cat", "I wear my mum's makeup" and "I love to wet my bed!". Across Kankuro's face in big, bold letters Naruto wrote "I eat sand".

"I'm a little afraid to ask," says Sasuke's voice from up a tree. "But what happened here?"

Naruto and the others all look up to see Sasuke sitting on a branch above where Kankuro is suspended. On another branch, a red-haired boy about their age is standing upside down and watching the goings-on with his arms crossed.

"Ga-gara!" the girls stammers out.

"This guy tried to beat up one of my friends, so I took Iruka-nii's advice and graffitied him," Naruto explains.

"Nice," says Sasuke.

"Kankuro, you are a disgrace to our village," the red haired boy drones.

Sasuke turns to look at Gaara. "When did you get here?" he asks surprised.

"About five minutes ago."

"Who are you three, anyway?" asks Sakura, "I can see by your headbands that you're from the Hidden Sand Village. You can't be here unless you have an official permit."

"We're here for the chunin exams," says the girl proudly. "My name is Temari, and these two weirdos are my little brothers Kankuro and Gaara."

"Boys are all weirdos."

"Brothers are worse. You have to live with brothers." Temari shudders. "And they leave their dirty undies in the living room-"

"It was one time!" Kankuro protests from his attempts to get out of Naruto's rope.

"It still happened!" Temari snaps back. "Anyway, as I was saying, brothers leave their undies in the living room and their sand in your shoes." She sends a pointed glare at Gaara. "So what's your name, then?"

"I'm Sakura Haruno," Sakura replies. "The the loser in the orange is my teammate Naruto, and the hottie in the tree is my other teammate Sasuke. I don't know who these brats are; friends of Naruto's or something."

"We're leaving," orders Gaara, who has finally taken pity on his brother and untied him, leaping down from the tree. He turns and starts to walk away, Kankuro following behind him.

Temari can't help but snigger when she sees "I eat my own poop" written over Kankuro's butt. "I have to go," she says to Sakura. "Gaara gets cranky when he doesn't get enough sleep. And he NEVER gets enough sleep." She runs to catch up with her brothers and, turning to wave to Sakura, she calls back, "Catch you later!"

After the siblings from the Sand are gone, Naruto asks, "Chunin exams? How come we haven't heard about this yet?'

"Dunno," Sasuke shrugs from up in his tree. "Maybe Kakashi sensei got summoned to the Hokage tower to be briefed on the exams."

"Will you be entering, boss?" asks Konohamaru excitedly. "You totally took out that guy, you'll be so great at it!"

"I don't think first-year genin are allowed to enter," says Sakura. "So we probably won't be."

"Aw, I wanna 'nother go at that Kanki-boy!" Naruto whines.

The next morning at team training, Kakashi sensei is only ten minutes late. "Sorry I'm late," he says. "I wandered a bit from the path of life, but i managed to find my way again pretty quickly this time."

"How did you like the present we left in your apartment?" Naruto asks gleefully.

"It was...pretty," Kakashi forces out. "Which reminds me, I have something for you."

"What? What is it?" Naruto jumps up and down excitedly. Sakura wonders how such a childish boy ever became a ninja.

Kakashi sensei holds out three sheets of paper. "Registration forms for the chunin exams," he says. "I recommended you three based on your performances against Zabuza and Haku, and Danzo."

"I love you Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto throws himself at Kakashi and hugs him tightly.

"I guess we won't trade you in for a sensei that shows up on time after all," says Sakura.

"Hn," agrees Sasuke.

They take the forms and start to read them.

"Whichever of you decide to take the exam need to report to room 301 at the school by four o'clock tomorrow," Kakashi says. "Take the day off to rest up and gather your strength in case you decide to participate. Bye!" he smiles cheerfully and shunshins away.

"I'm definitely entering," says Naruto enthusiastically.

"Hn," Sasuke agrees. "If we have the day off, I'm going back to bed. I had an awful dream last night and didn't get much sleep."

"I'm gonna practice my pranking!" Naruto yells and runs off.

Sasuke also turns and heads home.

Sakura stares at the registration form for a while. Should she enter or not? She's still so much weaker than the boys. Maybe she should just give it a pass and try next time. "Not likely, Shannaro!" Inner Sakura shouts at her. "We sent Danzo running with his tail between his legs! We can handle some stupid exam!"

A smile slowly spreads across Sakura's face.

* * *

 **Omake**

 **So They Did Leave a Prank.**

 _Dedicated to_ _ **Twisted Pxl**_ _for that comment about the Log and Clucky. There are a lot of references to Vegeta3986 and MasakoX's Naruto abridged in the coming chapters. But none as blatant as what you are wanting._

After a long, interesting day training his team and recommending them for the chunin exams, Kakashi heads back to his apartment. He is genuinely surprised they didn't prank him. Kakashi unlocks his door and goes inside. He went out for dinner, so he doesn't need to cook (unlike some people he actually can _coughFugakucough_ ). Kakashi opens his closet to put his gear away.

The whole apartment - which is really only one room and a bathroom - fills with colourful, sparkly confetti.

Kakashi swears. Then remembers what used to happen if he so much as _thought_ a swear-word in Kushina-nee's presence. "Sorry Kushina-nee," he apologises automatically.

Great. His apartment is filled with confetti. Hopefully it was only in the closet.

He opens a drawer carefully. Might as well find it all now. Nothing happens. He repeats the process for every draw and cupboard in his apartment. Thankfully, nothing happens. So he has a shower and goes to bed. The moment he opens his bed a ton of confetti flies out.

Not even sorry, Kakashi swears enough to make Gamabunta blush.


	15. Can We Just Get to the Exam Already?

There is commotion on the second floor of the academy. A group of people is clustered around the door to room 201, which has a genjutsu on it making it appear to be room 301. What sort of idiot would fall for such a basic trick? Sasuke certainly doesn't, but it seems that quite a few of the other exam candidate have. One of them, a boy with a black bowl cut and and a green jumpsuit, is trying to force his way past the two teenage boys who have taken it upon themselves to bar the door. The green boy is getting the stuffing beaten out of him.

Sasuke decides that it is about time someone called the teenagers' bluff. Striding forward with his team mates flanking him, Sasuke says, "Can you let us past, we need to get to the third floor."

The teenagers turn to him in surprise. "So you saw through our genjutsu, then?"

"It's a pretty lame prank," says Naruto. "I know an eight year old who can do better. He's the Hokage's grandson, but still."

"Yea, any idiot worth their salt can tell this is only the second floor," Sakura chimes in.

Sasuke feels uncommonly proud of his team.

"Alright, you got us," one of the teenage boys makes the symbol to release genjutsu. The sign above the door changes from 301 to 201. "But let's see what you're really made of, rookie." He launches a kick at Sasuke, who tries to counter with one of his own, only to be stopped by the green boy.

The boy has his leg in one hand and the teenager's leg in the is impressed. Only Kakashi is that fast. Who is this boy?

"That is enough," the boy says, throwing Sasuke and the teenager to the floor. The teenager scrambles to his feet and disappears with his friend.

Then Rock Lee turns to Sakura. "I am Rock Lee!" He announces. "Will you be my girlfriend?" he smiles winningly. "I will protect you and love you forever!"

 _Yes, Sakura, give him your cooties!_ Sasuke thinks.

"Hell no!" Sakura says. "You're too weird."

"Hey you!" a boy with white eyes and long brown hair calls to Sasuke. "What's your name?"

"It's polite to give your name first," sniffs Sasuke, glad that it's not another girl trying to grab his attention.

The boy smiles. "I'm Neji Hyuuga."

Ew, a Hyuuga. "I'm Sasuke Uchiha." He replies proudly.

"Come on guys, let's go," says Sakura, pulling him and Naruto away down the hall.

Sasuke is glad he sprayed himself with cootie repellent that morning.

They haven't gone very far before Rock Lee's voice calls to them, "Hey, Uchiha!"

"What do you want?" Sasuke asks. If they have any more setbacks, they'll be late to the exam room.

"Fight me," Lee says. "Right here, right now."

There is something odd about Lee's chakra, and Sasuke wants to know what it is. "Alright, I accept, but make it quick, we have an exam to get to."

"Why do you wanna fight Sasuke?" whines Naruto. "What's the big deal about him anyway?"

"He is the last surviving member of the Uchiha clan-" Lee starts to say but is interrupted.

"Actually, His brother is still hanging around," says Sakura. "So Sasuke-kun isn't the last Uchiha."

"Can we get on with the fight," Sasuke demands impatiently. "I want to get to the exam already!"

"Fine," snaps Lee, dashing forward and attacking Sasuke.

Sasuke turns on his Sharingan and runs to meet him. It appears Lee is using solely taijutsu, with no chakra at all.

"Leaf hurricane!" Lee calls his move as he executes it, sending Sasuke flying with the force of his kick.

Sasuke makes sure to copy his moves, glad his sharingan is advanced enough to at least copy Lee's taijutsu. But then Lee kicks Sasuke in the chin, sending him flying towards the ceiling. Next thing sasuke knows, Lee is flying under him, like a shadow. "Kagebuyo; Dancing Leaf Shadow," says Lee. Sasuke isn't sure whether to be scared or impressed. The bandages wrapped around Lee's wrists start to unravel.

Then a voice says, "Stop right there, Lee!"

Both Lee and Sasuke crash to the floor as if Lee's willpower was the only thing keeping them suspended. Sasuke pulls himself to his feet and sees a large turtle - probably a summon.

Lee looks abashed. "You saw?"

"You know that move is forbidden," the turtle says.

"I'm sorry!" Lee apologizes. "I got carried away in the heat of the moment!"

Sasuke sneaks over to his teammates. "Let's get out of here while he's distracted!"

"Good idea, who knows how many more freaks are gonna turn up," Sakura agrees and they sneak out of Lee's line of sight, then make a break for room 301.

When they reach the room, Kakashi is waiting for them.

"Hey, Kakashi-sensei," Says Naruto. "Whatcha doin' here?"

"I just came to make sure you all turned up," Says Kakashi. "After all, you can only enter the Chunin exams in teams of three."

"Oh, I should've figured you'd pull something like this," says Sakura, pouting. "You just have to remind us we're all in this together at every opportunity, don't you?"

Kakashi smiles at the three of them. "You three have fun alright? And Naruto?"

"Yea?"

"I want you to go through these exams in full prank mode okay?"

"Yes sensei!"

The three genin walk past their sensei and triumphantly enter the exam room, only to find hundreds of eyes staring right at them.


	16. This Test is For Little Girls!

Hundreds of eyes, belonging to many, many angry looking teenagers glare at team seven as they let the doors close behind them.

"What's their problem?" Naruto grumbles to his teammates.

"They probably think your jumpsuit is tacky," Says Sasuke. Although to anyone but his team it would've sounded like "Hn."

Someone runs up behind Sasuke and hugs him tightly. "Hey, Sasuke," coos Ino Yamanaka. "It's been a long time, cutie."

Cutie sounds like 'cootie', Sasuke notices. Was Ino trying to tell him he had somehow contracted cooties?

"Hey, Ino-pig!" Sakura glares at the other girl. "Get your hooves off Sasuke! Can't you see he doesn't like being hugged?"

"Well look what the cat dragged in," says Shikamaru Nara, walking up to them, hands in his pockets. Choji Akimichi follows close behind him, eating a bag of chips. "Why don't you three save yourselves the embarrassment of failing and go home?"

"Naruto, are you in full prank mode like Kakashi sensei said?" asks Sakura.

"Yep," Naruto's grin is very, very scary.

"Then we'll be fine," she says flippantly.

"Sup, you guys," Sasuke manages to break free of Ino's clutches (boy is he glad he's wearing cootie repellent), and turns to see Kiba stalking towards them with Hinata Hyuuga (ew a Hyuuga) and Shino Aburame in tow. "I see all this year's rookies decided to enter," he continues.

Sasuke puts some distance between himself and the cootie-infested girls.

"Um, h-hi Naruto," Hinata stammers out. Sasuke thinks that she could use some speech therapy.

"Oh, hey Hinata," Naruto replies nonchalantly.

"So, how many of us will make it through, do you think, Sasuke?" Kiba asks.

"You will eat our dust," Says Sasuke, remembering to use complete sentences since he isn't addressing his team.

"Can you all do us a favour and shut up?" The rookie nine turn to see a teenage boy with white hair and dorky round glasses walking towards them. "You wanna-bes are just out of the academy, aren't you?" He asks, hand on his hip. "Look around, this is no school field-trip." he gestures to a team of very angry looking genin. "Those three are from the Village Hidden in the Rain-"

"You're from Lord Pein and Lady Angel's Village?" Naruto blurts out, jumping forward excitedly. "Those guys are awesome!"

The three genin went from looking like they wanted to murder the rookies to smiling at Naruto in .2 of a second. "I am glad you know and respect our leaders," says one of the genin. "They saved our village from ruin, afterall."

"Well they are awesome," says Naruto nodding. "And Lady Konan is super beautiful-"

"You've met them?"

"Yeah, and Lord Pein said I was a nice boy and patted me on the head before he left," Naruto says. "So, Glasses, have you taken these exams before?"

"My name is Kabuto," says Glasses. "And this is my seventh attempt at making chunin."

Naruto bursts out laughing. "You must be a rubbish ninja to fail that many exams!"

The rookies and the team from the Rain start laughing. Some of the other teams, who had overheard, snigger as well.

Kabuto blushes and, trying to salvage the situation, he says, "The exams are very difficult! And more than half the contestants get knocked out in just the first round!"

"We'll be fine." Sasuke sniggers. "Naruto can take on ANBU, and Sakura made Danzo flee in terror. And let's not even mention what happened with Zabuza and Haku. We got this. You should be worried about your own chances, forever genin!"

 _Poof._ A group of scary-looking jounin and chunin appear at the front of the room. "Silence in the cheap seats!" the man at the front roars. Turning the volume of his voice down considerably, he goes on to say, "I am Ibiki Morino. I will be your proctor for this stage of the exams. Let me make this very clear now: there will be no fighting without the express permission of your proctors or you will be disqualified."

"So is this a test for little girls, then?" sniggers one of the other contestants, a boy with a musical note on his headband.

"What do you mean, little girls, Shannaro?" Sakura shouts. "This little girl makes grown men run in fear!"

The group of proctors sniggers. Sasuke wonders if they know about what happened with Danzo.

"You're both right," says Ibiki. "This _is_ a test for little girls. The sort of little girls who kill people for a living!" he raises his voice slightly. "Do you ladies have what it takes?" he holds up a tile with a number 1 on it. "Come up here and hand in your application forms. Then I want each of you to take one of these seating cards and go to the assigned seat. Once that is done, we will hand out your test papers."

"A paper test?" Naruto shouts, sounding panicked.

"Just stay in prankster-mode, Naruto," says Sakura. "You'll be fine if you stay in prankster mode.

Sasuke could've sworn he saw the proctors' faces pale at that remark.

* * *

 **Omake**

Ibiki Morino is Properly Horrified.

Dedicated to the Guest KK for this comment: "KK:I can see it now, Ibiki, in the middle of scaring the s*** out of all the genin (and half the chuunin) in the audience, pauses because Team Seven have their hands raised.  
"What is it, brats, too hard to understand?"  
"The test? No, it's just that...if our entire team make Chuunin can we trade out our Jounin? Ours is broken.""

(I wish I thought of that. -Cyrro.)

The Jounins and chunins of Konoha have gathered for a special announcement from the Hokage. Ibiki waits quietly, watching some of the more impatient Chunins and Jounins fidget in impatience. He loves to watch people fidget in impatience.

Then Anko descends upon him. "Ibiki! I heard you're gonna be proctoring the first stage of the next chunin exams! Make the little bastards sweat!"

"I will, don't worry," says Ibiki, controlling his urge to kiss Anko then run screaming from her in terror.

The Hokage enters the room flanked by Iruka and Kakashi.

The Hokage clears his throat to get their attention. "Danzo Shimura is now a missing nin." Announces the Hokage.

A crash resounds throughout the room as Kotetsu drops his cup of tea. Then a yelp, because it landed on Izumo's foot.

"How did that happen?" asks Raido Namiashi.

"Naruto Uzumaki took out three ANBU black ops and broke into the Secret S Rank File Archive, stole two documents and read them, with his team. Among other things, they discovered that Danzo was behind the Uchiha massacre. They confronted Danzo and scared him out of the village."

"Actually," interrupts Kakashi. "It was Sakura who scared Danzo out of the village. Sasuke and Naruto just stood behind her looking intimidating."

"The real point is," says Iruka, taking over. "From now on Itachi Uchiha is no longer to be considered a missing nin, but a spy for the Leaf who infiltrated Akatsuki. Also, the ANBU have given Naruto the title 'The Orange Terror'."

"Well I'll be damned," says Hayate and coughs for a bit.

Ibiki is very, very scared. What kind of twelve year-olds are Kakashi's genin, anyway?


	17. Get Out of My Classroom!

Naruto takes his seat and glares challengingly at his test. "I'm the Prankster Prince, you can't defeat me!" He tells it.

"N-Naruto," a small voice says beside him.

He turns to see Hinata, blushing furiously, and smiling at him.

"Oh, hey Hinata," Naruto says, relaxing slightly. "I didn't see you there."

"Good luck," she squeaks out, blushing even worse than before.

"Um, thanks. You too." Hinata is a true weirdo, Naruto decides.

"Alright, listen up," Ibiki's voice booms out across the room. "I'm only going to say this once, and I won't answer any questions, so pay close attention." he picks up a piece of chalk and starts to write on the chalkboard. "Rule One: you all start out with 10 points each. For every question you get wrong a point is deducted. Rule Two: Passing or failing will be determined by the sum of your entire team's point total. Rule Three: If any of you are caught cheating, two points will be deducted from each member of your team. If anyone reaches zero points, their entire team will be disqualified."

"We'll be looking over your shoulders to see if you are cheating," says one of the other proctors, grinning. They had taken seats along the walls where they could see every row.

"Don't let the procters catch you cheating!" Ibiki says, smiling. "You may begin!"

Naruto looks back down at his test. Hopefully the questions aren't too hard. He reads them through, discovering that each question is more difficulty than the last. Question 10 catches his eye. The instruction informs him that the question will be provided at the 45 minute mark. _I'll have to risk everything on the hope I can answer that question right,_ Naruto realizes. Now what to do to kill time until then?

He looks back down at the test. Letting prankster mode take over completely, he grins and puts his pen to paper.

After 45 minutes of tormenting wannabe ninjas, Ibiki decides that it is time to announce the tenth question. And boy is the head of Konoha's Torture and Interrogation Unit having fun!

"Well, ladies," he announces. "It's time for the tenth question!" That gets their attention. "Now before I announce the question, there are a few things I need to tell you. Firstly, any of you who decide not to take the question will forfeit all her points, thus causing her team to fail."

"Why would any of us take that option then?" demands one of the brats. "And what's the deal with referring to us as girls?"

"Shut up and listen," says Ibiki. "And if you don't have a healthy respect for girls get out of my classroom, otherwise the next proctor will eat you alive. Now as I was about to say before I was interrupted by this idiot; the pansies among you should quit now, because if you take the tenth question and get it wrong, your entire team will fail and you will never be allowed to take the chunin exams again." He pauses dramatically to let this sink in, getting the chorus of protests he expected. After throwing his weight around to shut the little brats up he waits expectantly.

"I can't take the pressure, I'm out!"

"Can't do this."

"Sorry, guys, I don't wanna be a genin forever!"

 _Suckers._ Ibiki thinks as he watches team after team quit.

Then, out of the blue, Naruto Uzumaki slams his hand down on his desk and shouts, "I'm not scared of you, or your stupid tenth question! I won't quit and I won't run! I don't care if I stay a genin forever; I'll still be the Hokage!"

Ibiki smiles. Naruto's little outburst seems to have restored the other candidate's doubts. If he'd added a "Who's with me?" Ibiki would've slated him for chunin promotion then and there. The kid is obviously a natural leader.

"Alright then," he decides to go ahead and put them out of their misery. "Everyone who is still here...passes."

Cheers and sighs of relief fill the room.

Then the pink haired hellion who sent Danzo running with his tail between his legs yells out, "What do you mean we all pass? What about the question?"

"Whether or not to take the question _was_ the question," Ibiki explains. "We need to know if you are willing to risk everything to complete your mission."

"Then what were the other questions for?" demands some girl from the Hidden Sand. "Do you mean to say they were just a waste of time?"

"No, those questions were meant to test your information-gathering skills," Ibiki explains. "You had to prove to us that you can gather intel without being caught." He takes off his headband, revealing his ugly (and rather impressive) collection of scars. "If you get caught spying, this is the sort of thing that happens to you…"

 _Crash_. A banner unfurls in front of him. "What's up, kiddies!" a voice that can only belong to one person rings out through the room

Tying his forehead protector back over his head, Ibiki peeks around the banner. "You're early," he tells his crush, Anko Mitarashi. "I wasn't finished with them."

She smiles sadistically at him. "You were grossing them out, weren't you, Ibiki? Well, it's my turn to mess with the maggots." She glares around the room. "You passed 26 teams? Are you going soft?"

Trying not to blush, Ibiki says, "The Orange Terror restored their confidence. Beware The Orange Terror." He holds onto the side of the banner and peers around it. She can't kill/maim him if he is hiding from her, can she?

"The brats are mine now," Anko announces. "I'll cut their numbers in half at least! Follow me, brats!"

Once Anko has emptied the room, Ibiki finally sneaks out from behind the banner and starts collecting up the test papers. When he gets to Naruto's, he picks it up, staring at it in awe and terror.

Every answer box has a picture or a random sentence written in it. The pictures have labels consisting of random words, phrases and numbers. Every picture is a representation of the hypothetical situation in the question beside it. Every phrase, word, number or caption is the correct answer to the question beside it. Ibiki wonders if it's deliberate or not. And he cannot mark a single question wrong because, for the ones that require the working to be shown, Naruto's picture shows the practical workings.

"This is going on my fridge," says Ibiki.


	18. Anko, Please: SHUT UP

Kakashi and the other Jounin wait patiently for Ibiki to arrive and tell them if their teams passed. Finally, Ibiki enters the room, a harassed look on his face.

"Anko showed up early, didn't she?" Kakashi asks mildly.

"Yes," Ibiki says. "Your team passed." He sees Kurenai, Asuma and Gai looking at him expectantly. "All your teams passed."

"So how did my little genins score?" asks Kakashi.

"They all got perfect scores."

"Even Naruto?" Kakashi is surprised. The test must've been easy.

"Look at this!" Ibiki holds up a test paper. Naruto's name is at the top, and it is covered in what appears to be some excellently done graffiti and manga-level drawings. "I cannot mark any of these wrong, even though most of his answers are drawings! Is The Orange Terror superhuman?"

"Oh, so you're calling him The Orange Terror, now?" Kakashi has to admit that name is better than 'Konoha's Number One Hyperactive Knucklehead Ninja'. He reads the test paper and bursts out laughing. "There is no way he got those answers right deliberately! He probably just randomly graffitied the paper."

The other three jounin senseis stare at him.

"Can I have that paper?" Kakashi asks.

"No, I'm putting it on my fridge," says Ibiki, snatching the paper out of Kakashi's reach and making a break for the door.

"Welcome to training ground 44!" Anko Mitarashi proclaims to the assembled Genin. "Also known as The Forest of Death! This is the arena for the second stage of the chunin exams!"

"It looks so creepy," Sakura whispers to her teammates, shuddering.

"You lot have the privilege of finding out why we call it The Forest of Death," Anko continues, grinning maliciously.

" _You lot have the privilege of finding out why we call it The Forest of Death_ ," Naruto mimics rudely, doing a crude imitation of Anko.

"Feeling cocky, are we?" Anko says, smiling. "Even ANBU hesitate to go in here alone." Almost faster that Sakura can keep track of, Anko throws a Kunai at Naruto, cutting his cheek. Less than an instant later, she is behind him, licking the blood off his cheek. "If you aren't careful, who knows what will happen to you, little prankster," she says, suddenly sounding creepy enough to send shivers up Inner Sakura's spine.

Anko pulls out another kunai as another ninja, this one from the Hidden Grass seemingly materializes behind her. "Your Kunai," she - or is it a he? - purrs to Anko. the Grass ninja is holding Anko's kunai in her (his?) abnormally long tongue.

"Why thank you," says Anko sweetly, taking the offered kunai. "But I wouldn't stand behind me radiating blood lust if I were you. I wouldn't want to have to kill one of the contestants."

"My apologies," the voice sounds female - kinda. "I just got excited at the scent of fresh, young blood. Plus I was already annoyed because you sliced off a strand of my precious hair." The person retracts its tongue and steps back, dipping its head in a polite bow.

"Looks like this year's gonna be fun," says Anko, a little too happily. "Now, back to business." she pulls out a stack of papers. "I want you all to take one of these consent forms-"

"Why do we need consent forms?" pipes up someone.

"How did you get past Ibiki?" Anko mutters. "The consent forms are to say you will not hold us responsible if you die. No more stupid questions!" Giving the stack of forms to Naruto, she says, "Pass these around. Once you all have a form, sign it and take it to the proctors over at that booth." She indicates the booth. "Each team will be given one of these scrolls," she holds up two similar scrolls, one black with the symbol for 'earth' on it, the other white with the symbol for 'heaven' on it. "Either a Heaven scroll or an Earth scroll. The aim is to get one of each scroll, and make it to the tower in the centre of the arena with both a Heaven scroll and an Earth scroll before the time limit is up. You have five days from the time you enter the forest to find the other scroll and report to the tower."

Anko pulls out a map of the training grounds, causing Sakura to wonder where, exactly the kunoichi was keeping all that stuff.

Anko keeps on talking, "During the course of the test, you may use any means you can find in the forest to survive. This is essentially a survival test."

"What about food?" of course it was Choji who asked that question.

"There is plenty of food in the forest, you just have to find it," says Anko. "While you're in the forest, everyone but your teammates is your enemy. Also, it is strictly forbidden for anyone to look at the contents of a scroll until you reach the tower."

"What happens if we look before we reach the tower?" asks Naruto.

"That's for the idiots who sneak a peek to find out," says Anko, winking. "Once you are chunin, there will be times when you are asked to deliver messages without looking at the contents. Consider this a test of your trustworthiness. When you've signed your forms, trade them for a scroll at the booth. There is only one scroll per team of three. Once you have your scroll, pick a gate to start from. Oh and one more thing: don't go dying!"

Once they have handed in their forms and taken a scroll, team seven heads to gate twelve. Their scroll is a Heaven scroll, and Sasuke had elected to give it to Naruto. And not just because he was afraid that Sakura would get cooties all over it if he gave it to her.

"Alright, Naruto," says Sasuke. "You need to stay in prankster mode if we are to survive this. Do you understand?"

"Yeah, but I don't get why you guys keep reminding me, 'ttebayo," wines Naruto. "I know already."

The proctor in charge of their gate unlocks it and gives the signal to begin. Team Seven takes off running, straight into the forest of death.


	19. The Pedophile Snakey-Man-Woman

A scream rings through the forest. "I wonder who just got owned?" Naruto says, shifting into Glorified Prank Mode.

"Hn," Sasuke says. By which he means, "Who cares? Let's get a scroll."

"Right, but first, I need to take a leak," says Naruto, turning and starting to unzip.

"Not in front of me, you don't, Shannaro!" Sakura shouts, smacking Naruto upside the head. "Go behind a bush."

"Alright, alright," rubbing his head, Naruto heads behind the bushes. Just as he's finishing up, someone tries to jump him. Emphasis on tries. It is but a few seconds before Naruto has the Rain ninja tied up in his favourite rope and hanging upside down from a tree while three shadow clones draw all over him. One draws henohenomohejis, one draws moustaches, and the third draws piles of poo.

"What's taking you so long?" Sakura's voice carries across the bushes.

"Caught a Rain Ninja!" Naruto calls back.

"See if he has a scroll," Calls back Sasuke. "And take it from him!"

"Right!" Naruto strip-searches the ninja. When he finds the scroll - another heaven scroll - he bundles up the ninja's clothes, sticks them in a bucket of orange paint (he keeps a lot buckets of paint in his prank-kit) and hangs the bucket at the top of a nearby tree. Sticking the scroll into his pouch, Naruto reclaims his rope and saunters off, leaving the Rain ninja sitting in the forest floor in his smiley-face boxers.

"So, what kind of scroll did he have?" asks Sakura.

"A heaven one," says Naruto. "But I took it anyway."

"Give it here," says Sasuke. "Two scrolls are better than one." He raises his voice. "Now, will whoever is hiding underground please show themself and face us like a ninja?"

The boy (girl?) with the freakishly long tongue who had caught Anko's kunai earlier rises up from the ground. "So you noticed me, then?" he (she?) asks. "You are quite good."

Sasuke smiles around his mangekyo sharingan. "My eyes see all and know all," he says. "Naruto?"

About half a second later, the creepy boy-girl is trapped under a net made of fake snakes. It's arms are tied up behind it, firmly attached to its ankles by the wrists.

"Love the net, kid," says the girl-boy. "Snakes are my summon."

"Really?" says Naruto, and takes the girl-boy's scroll.

"Enough small-talk," says Sasuke. "Tell us who you are and what you want."

"I am Orochimaru the Snake Sannin," the thing replies. "And I want you, Sasuke. Or more specifically, your young, beautiful body."

Absolute silence reigns for about five seconds.

Then, pointing at Orochimaru with a horrified expression on his face, Sasuke screams "PEDOPHILE!" and runs away faster than Naruto has ever seen anyone move before. In fact, Naruto could swear Sasuke left a layer of his skin behind. It might or might not be a trick of the light that Sasuke's shadow is sprinting off to catch up with him.

"You can keep the net," says Naruto. "I don't like it much; I got it because I thought it was creepy. Toads are waaaay better than snakes."

"Personally I prefer slugs," says Sakura. "Let's go find Sasuke."

They shunshin after Sasuke, leaving the creepy snake-girl-boy trapped in the net.

"Anko-san we have a problem!" shouts a chunin, running up to Anko.

She looks opens her eyes, which were closed in pure bliss, and swallows her mouthful of Dango. "What is it? Can't you see I'm eating?"

"We found some dead bodies in the graveyard!"

"So?" Anko throws her empty dango stick at the tree nearest her, putting the finishing touch in her Dango-stick Leaf symbol. "It's a graveyard."

"Oh, um," the chunin looks embarrassed. "They aren't _part_ of the graveyard. They're genin from the Hidden rain, and there's something odd about them."

"I suppose you want me to come and take a look?"

"Yes."

"Fine." Anko goes with the man. When they arrive at the graveyard, Anko examines the three faceless corpses. She recognizes the jutsu as belonging to her former sensei. "Show me the registration photos of these genin," she orders. One of the faces is that of the Grass ninja who caught her kunai. The one with the long tongue, just like Orochimaru sensei's- Oh. That _was_ Orochimaru. "This is the work of Orochimaru," Anko explains. "Inform the Hokage and get two extra teams of ANBU into the forest! I'm going to find Orochimaru myself."

"Yes, ma'am!" the assembled chunin shunshin away.

Anko shunshins back to the Forest of Death and heads inside to search for her old sensei. It isn't long before she finds him. When she does she can't help but burst into helpless laughter.

Unfortunately, while Anko is laughing, Orochimaru manages to free himself from the snake net. "Laugh all you want, Anko-chan," hisses Orochimaru, who is still wearing the unfortunate Grass ninja's face. "But if you stop these exams just because I'm here, then there will be Hell to pay." He shunshins away, in what Anko can only assume is shame.

Anko laughs harder and gathers up the net. Obviously her Sensei has met The Orange Terror. "This is a nice net," Anko says, examining it. "I think I'll keep it."

"So, how did Naruto do on the written test, Ibiki?" Iruka asks as Ibiki hands the file containing the exam results to the Hokage.

Ibiki shows him Naruto's test paper. "This is so brilliant and awe-inspiring that I am going to stick it on my fridge," he tells Iruka.

"Can I borrow it for a couple of minutes?" Iruka asks. Ibiki hands him the paper. Iruka takes it over to the photo copier and photocopies it. Then he hands the original back to Ibiki. "I am going to frame this and put it on my wall," says Iruka, heading off to do just that.

* * *

 **Omake**

 **How do you NOT Know?**

 _The views: they're over 9,000!_

"Hey, Daddy!" Sarada skips up to her father, all aglow with happiness after day out with Uncle Itachi. "I want a brother! How come I don't have any siblings, anyway?"

"Um…" Sasuke isn't sure what he is supposed to tell his daughter. "I'll talk to your mother." he says finally.

"YAY!" Sakura hugs him and runs up to her room.

Sasuke seeks out Sakura. "Um, Sakura?"

"Yes, Sasuke?" she asks. She is busy making tomato soup (her's is as good as his mother's).

"Um... I need to ask you something," he says nervously.

"Oh?" she doesn't even look at him.

"This is gonna sound weird, since we already have Sarada, but…"

"Do you want another kid?"

"Um...yes...but…" he stammers out, nervously. "Idon'tactuallyknowwherebabiescomefrom!" he forces out as fast as he can.

That gets Sakura's attention. "What? You're joking, right?"

"No. No one ever told me."

"Why didn't you just look it up?"

"I wouldn't know where to look?"

"The internet?"

"I can't use computers!" laments Sasuke. "No one told me that either!"

"Sasuke," Sakura patiently. " _Sex_ is what makes babies."

Sasuke faints, his mind completely blown.


	20. Family by Blood

Karin Uzumaki watches as her teammates abandon her. "Oh, right, I'm supposed to be hiding," she mutters. But no sooner has she taken a step forward than the biggest bear she has ever seen rears up out of the undergrowth and lumbers towards her.

Now, if the people in the Hidden Grass had actually trained her the art of fighting, this might not have been a problem. But they were only interested in her special ability to heal people by giving them chakra when they bite her. That is the only reason they let her participate in the chunin exams. So she could keep her teammates healed and full of chakra.

So in a situation like this, the only thing Karin can do is run for her life. So she does just that.

The bear gives chase.

Karin trips over a tree root and falls flat on her face, sending her glasses flying. "HELP!" she screams.

A pink blur appears in front of her, while a blue blur takes out the giant bear and an orange blur stoops to pick up what looks to be her glasses.

"Are you okay?" asks the pink blur. "Where are your teammates?"

"They left me," says Karin, clutching her team's earth scroll. "Are you going to take our scroll?"

"Nah," says the orange blur, handing Karin her glasses. "We already have an Earth scroll."

Karin takes her glasses and puts them on. The pink blur is a girl, the orange blur is a boy and the blue blur is another boy, standing a short distance away. He is very good looking, although the orange one has a certain amount of charm too.

"So what's your name?" asks the orange boy.

"Karin Uzumaki," she tells him.

"Are we related?" the boy yells, grabbing her shoulders. "I'm Naruto Uzumaki, 'ttebayo!"

"I-I I didn't know there were any other Uzumakis left," Karin stammers out. "My mother and I took refuge in the Hidden Grass after my dad died." she explains. "My mum told me all the Uzumakis died when the Hidden Whirlpool was destroyed."

"Not all the Uzumakis!" Naruto announces. "My mum lived here in the Hidden Leaf. Did you know all Uzumaki's can gain automatic Leaf citizenship because the Fourth and First Hokage's wives were Uzumakis?"

"Really?" Karin asks. If only she had known that a long time ago.

"Yes," confirms the girl. "My name is Sakura Haruno, and that's Sasuke Uchiha." she motions to the blue boy.

"Hi," says Karin. All their chakra is so warm and comforting.

"So you're from my clan, then?" says Naruto. "Is your mum still alive?"

"No," says Karin, her eyes welling up. "We have a special blood limit, and the people in the Hidden Grass forced her to overuse it, so she died."

The three Leaf Genin stare at her in surprise. Then Naruto hugs her tightly. "You poor thing!" he says weeping. "Can I keep you, please? We're both alone, but we're family! I'm keeping you!"

"But, you can't!" Karin protests. "The Grass ninja are keeping me as a hostage! They might try to kill me if I stay here!"

"We need a plan," says Sasuke. "Family should stay together."

"I have an idea!" says Sakura, smiling cunningly.

Team seven finally arrives at the tower.

"We made it with four days to spare!" Naruto announces, grinning. "I can't wait to see what's in the scrolls."

His teammates grin.

They head inside the building, only to find themselves in a small room with a poster on the wall. After reading the poster and figuring out that the basic gist of it was "open both scrolls now", Team Seven opens their scrolls. A puff of smoke reveals Iruka-nii.

"Hey, guys," Iruka-nii say, grinning. "You just passed the second stage of the chunin exams.

"Yes!" Naruto leaps forward and hugs Iruka-nii. "So do you pop out of all the scrolls?"

"Damn straight," says Iruka-nii. "Those who open their scrolls early get to face my pranking skills." He disentangles himself from Naruto's embrace. "Now about this poster, can you all tell me what it means?"

"Ninja's need to use both their minds and their discernment to defeat their enemies and fulfil their missions," reports Sasuke.

"Very good." Iruka-nii smiles at them. "Now, would you like to know how you scored on the paper test?"

"Sure, why not?" says Sakura.

"You all got perfect scores," says Iruka-nii grinning.

"But I graffitied my paper!" Naruto protests.

"You also just happened to graffiti the correct answers onto the paper," says Iruka-nii. "Ibiki was so impressed he stuck your paper on his fridge. I photocopied it, framed the copy and hung it on my wall."

"Wow," says Sakura. "Also, Iruka sensei, can you do something for us?"

"Sure, what is it?"

"We're sending you a person, she should arrive at the Academy soon after the exam, that's if her team doesn't get disqualified," says Sakura. "We took thier scroll, so they will probably fail this round. Her name is Karin Uzumaki, can you take her to the Hokage and make sure the Hidden Grass don't get her back? They've been keeping her as a slave since they worked her mother to death."

"Of, course," says Iruka-nii. "I'll make sure she is well protected."

"Thanks, Iruka-nii," says Naruto, hugging his adopted big bro. "She is my blood family, and I don't want to let those horrible people get her back."


	21. Old Men Sure Love to Talk

"Congratulations on passing the second round," Anko says to the assembled teams.

It is the final day of the Second round, and all seven passing teams are standing in a large training arena in the tower a the center of the Forest Of Death. The Hokage, the other proctors and the jounin senseis of the passing teams are standing behind her looking all professional and intimidating.

"Hokage-sama will now explain the third test, so listen carefully," Anko says and steps back, allowing the Third Hokage to take the spotlight.

Sasuke tenses in anticipation. This is the part where they fight, isn't it?

"Thank you, Anko," says Third, taking his pipe out of his mouth. "But before I explain the next stage of the exams, there is something you all need to know. The exams are to promote friendship amongst the allied nations. Put simply; the exams are a replacement for war. In the old days, all our villages were enemies, fighting each other. Once we allied, there was a chance that we would simply go back to fighting after a while. In order to prevent this, the Second HOkage devised the chunin exams. The exams serve two purposes: firstly to decide which of our genin are ready to become chunin, and secondly, the exams provide a safe environment in which to test our villages' ninja against each other in order to uphold their village's reputation in the shinobi world." the Hokage pauses to let this sink in. "It is for this reason that the leaders of the participating countries attend to final round. So do potential clients."

"Can you stop yacking and get to the point, already?" Naruto demands. Sasuke would never admit it, but he had almost switched off. He is glad Naruto spoke out.

"The strength of the country is the strength of the village; the strength of the village is the strength of the shinobi," says Third, peering at naruto. "Prove your strength in these exams and you will show how strong your village is."

"Why couldn't you've just said that?" grouses Naruto. "Instead of using the Old Man Monologue Jutsu?"

"Be quiet and listen, Naruto," snaps Third, apparently out of patience. "The next stage of the exams is a battle in which the candidates will fight in one-on-one battles, risking their lives."

"Why do we have to risk our lives in an exam?" demands Kiba.

"To make your village appear great, you need to show your true strength, and to show your true strength you must risk your life. Any more questions?"

"Can you just explain the next test, already?" says Gaara, surprising Sasuke; he didn't expect Gaara to speak up.

"Alright," relents Third, giving up. "Hayate Gekkyou! You can take it from here."

A man shinshins to the front of the room accompanied by a bout of ringing coughs. "I'm Hayate. What's up?" he says, and coughs again. "First of all, there's too many of you for the next round. You're gonna have to do a preliminary round."

"What do you mean, a preliminary match?" shouts Shikamaru.

"The exam must've been too easy, even though you got a couple of Sadists as your first two proctors. As a result, there's too many of you left," says Hayate. "So we need to reduce the numbers." He promptly starts to cough violently. "People come from far and wide to see the final round, and we don't want to waste their time by showing them a long string of fight. So if any of you don't feel like you can carry on, now is the time to leave." He lets loose another string of coughing. "The preliminaries will be held right here, right now."

"But we just finished the last exam!" Protests Ino. "Can't we take a break?"

"Nah, if you don't wanna continue, get out," says Hayate unsympathetically. "The next round will be a series of randomly selected one-on-one fights." he starts coughing again.

 _Who would possibly want to leave now, after coming so far?_ Sasuke wonders.

Kabuto, apparently. "I'm out," the Leaf Village Teen says, raising his hand. "I don't have enough chakra to fight a one-on-one battle right now."

"You pussy!" Naruto shouts at him. "No wonder you keep failing out, you give up when things start to get interesting. You're a loser!" Naruto starts laughing at Kabuto and most of the other candidates join in.

Kabuto vacates the room very, very quickly, hiding his angry blush.

"So Kabuto Yakushi drops out," muses Hayate. "Anyone else wanna leave? No? Alright, let's begin the preliminaries." He gives a little cough. "Since there are 20 of you left now, there will be 10 matches. Each match will be a single combat. Matches will be fought until one of the contestants dies, admits defeat or is rendered incapable of continuing. I advise you to admit defeat rather than risk dying. The computer behind me will now randomly select the names of the first two contestants. If your name is not selected, please go up to-" _cough, cough, cough_ "-go up to the balcony to wait for your turn. During your match, you are not allowed on the balcony. Also, if I see fit to stop a match, I will.

"Let's begin." The screen turns on and starts to run through names.

"Madara VS Tobi," it reads.

"Iruka!" Hayate shouts, turning to glare at Iruka sensei, who is standing among the proctors.

Iruka sensei grins. "Don't try to waste your time reprogramming it," he says. "Just try again."

Muttering under his breath, Hayate signals to the operator to choose another pair.

"Yoroi Akado VS Sasuke Uchiha."

"Could these two candidates please step forward," orders Hayate. "Sasuke Uchiha and Yoroi Akado."

"This shouldn't take long," Sasuke says to his team and heads out to face his opponent, one of the boys from Kabuto's team.

* * *

 **Omake**

 **Pink Hair Part Two: Minato.**

 _This is for all our readers who want to see more pranks. (Future Omake dedication to the person who guess who the 'Grim Reaper' is.)_

So Iruka really hates being called a girl. Enough to turn Danzo's hair pink. But this is something else. To march straight up to the Fourth Hokage, who is known for his adeptness at underhanded, sneaky pranks, and declare a prank war is something else. Of course the Fourth accepted, and here they all are, four months later gathered to see the aftermath.

Minato Namikaze, Yellow Flash, Fourth Hokage of Konoha, is on his knees begging a nine year old boy to show him mercy. His wife is rolling around on the ground laughing.

"I'm sorry!" Minato says. "I will never write off your pranks as childish tricks again! Just please, turn my hair back to normal! I don't want to be known as the Pink Flash!"

Iruka crosses his arms, giving Minato a hard look.

"Alright," says Minato. "You are the Prank King. I am inferior to you."

"And?"

"And I smell funny and I used to have cooties."

"You are forgiven." says Iruka, pulling Minato to his feet. "Wash your hair tonight. In the morning your hair will be its normal colour."

"Ikkaku," says a soft voice.

Ikkaku and Kohari Umino turn to the pregnant woman standing beside them. "Yes?" Ikkaku asks.

"When your son graduates from the Academy, I am going to make him my apprentice," says the woman known across the Shinobi nations as 'The Grim Reaper'.

"Um, okay."


	22. Stop Messing About Iruka!

Kakashi follows Sakura and Naruto onto the balcony to watch Sasuke's fight. "So, how did you go in the forest?" he asks them.

"We actually got four scrolls," says Sakura. "And we made a new friend!"

"I pranked a couple of people," chimes in Naruto. "First there was this Rain ninja who tried to jump me while I was peeing, then there was this creepy pedophile-girl-boy that wanted Sasuke's body. It said it's name was Orochi-something. They were real pushovers."

"Ah, so it _was_ you who tied up Orochimaru in that net," says Kakashi, nodding. "Anko kept it for her very own. Also, Orochimaru is an enemy of the Leaf, so take him to the Hokage or the ANBU next time you see him, okay?"

Kakashi turns to watch Sasuke's match, feeling a swell of pride for his students.

"I'm gonna squish you like a bug, Uchiha," Yoroi taunts Sasuke.

"Pfft, I doubt I'll even need to use Ninjutsu on you," says Sasuke. "I have this new attack combo I've been working on for the last few days. Had to fill up my time waiting for the rest of you losers to finish."

"What does he mean, losers?" snaps Kiba from somewhere close to Kurenai.

"Oh, we finished on the second day," says Naruto. "We would've finished sooner, but I wanted to go sight-seeing."

Kakashi can't help laughing at the expressions on the other rookie teams' faces. Only Naruto would go sight-seeing in the Forest of Death.

"Take your positions!" Hayate's voice rings out. "And begin!"

Sasuke runs at Yoroi and attacks him. One Shadow of the Dancing Leaf and a perfectly executed combination of kicks Sasuke calls the Lions' Barrage later, and Yoroi is lying on the floor unconscious.

"And the winner is Sasuke Uchiha," declares Hayate, with an added cough at the end.

"Yeah, go Sasuke!" cheers Naruto and Sakura.

Sasuke heads up to the balcony, grinning. "This is too easy."

"Now for the next match," says Hayate. "Computer!"

"Yang Xiao Long VS Po, the Dragon Warrior." the computer declares.

"Damn it, Iruka!"

Kakashi is pretty sure Iruka is the one who is operating the computer via remote control. The preliminaries were definitely not going to be boring.

"Shino Aburame VS Zaku Abumi," the computer amends.

"Yeah, go Shino!" Kiba shouts, hurting Kakashi's delicate ears. At least Naruto has an inside shout.

Once Shino is done outsmarting the boy from sound, and has successfully creeped out every other genin with his beetles, Shino is declared the winner.

"Alright, next match."

"The Matrix VS The Tardis."

"What the #####, Iruka?!"

"Misumi Tsurugi VS Kankuro."

Misumi was an interesting one, Kakashi decided as the Konoha genin disobeys the laws of anatomy and turned himself into a human rope, only to be beaten when Kankuro switches places with his puppet and traps him. Kankuro is swiftly declared the winner.

"Next match."

"Tsunade VS Jiraiya."

"But they aren't even in Konoha!" shouts Hayate.

"Hey, isn't Jiraiya my godfather?" asks Naruto

"Who's Tsunade?" asks Sakura.

"The best medic in the history of the leaf, and also the First Hokage's granddaughter," Kakashi tells her. "She is called The Slug Princess."

"Do you think she would take me as her apprentice?"

"You guys are still trying to trade me in, aren't you?"

"Of course!"

"Sakura Haruno VS Ino Yamanaka," the computer declares.

"Oh, good," says Sakura. "I need to have a chat with Ino." she vaults over the railing into the arena.

Ino arrives a few seconds later. "So I have to fight you and your big brow, then huh?"

"Yes, I'd rather not unleash my secret weapon in a preliminary match," says Sakura. "But before we fight, I have something to say to you."

"What?" demands Ino.

"Remember how we used to be friends, and stopped being friends to fight over our mutual crush?"

"Of course! You scorned my friendship so quickly, how could I not forget? What's this got to do with our fight, anyway?"

"Remember how we said we'd be rivals?" Sakura asks.

 _I think I know where she's going with this,_ Kakashi grins to himself. One of the benefits of wearing a mask is that you can grin all you want and no one will know.

"Well I've learned two very important things from Kakashi sensei and team seven," continues Sakura. "The first is that 'Rival' is the shinobi word for best friend. The second is this: you should never discard your friends like trash! I'm sorry, Ino. Can we be friends again after this?"

Ino stares at Sakura. Then she smiles slowly. "Alright, but the winner is better and the loser has to tell her so!"

"You got a deal!"

Taking his cue like a pro, Hayate shouts "Begin!"

 _One epic catfight later…_

Both Ino and Sakura have to be carried out of the arena. They have blood and skin under their fingernails, bite marks all over their bodies and tears in their clothing. They both have bloodied clumps of hair torn out and long scratch marks on their faces and arms.

"I had no idea girls were so vicious," says Asuma as they carry their unconscious students back to the balcony.

"This match is a draw due to double-knockout," declares Hayate.

* * *

 **Omake**

 **A Prank Gone Wrong.**

 _To memorialize the 50 review mark. (Future omake dedication for the person who figures out who the girl is.)_

Naruto has a prank he wants to try out. So he sets up the prank and lies in wait for a victim to wander helplessly into it.

Eventually, a brown haired girl in a blue dress and a white apron wanders into his trap because she is reading a novel. The trap goes off, catching her by the ankles and suspending her upside down. Her book falls to the ground and her dress falls over her face, revealing her undies.

Naruto laughs at her predicament.

The girl cuts herself down, fixes her dress and picks up her book. Her face and body are a perfect vision of pure rage. She stalks up to Naruto who is frozen with fear and says, "Let me make something clear for you."

Naruto tries to back away.

"If you ever do a prank on a girl, do not, and - I mean NEVER - offend her feminine sense of dignity," the girls says in a conversational tone.

"I'm sorry," whimpers Naruto.

"Because this is your first offence, I will let you off with a warning," says the girl sweetly.

The book falls on Naruto's head, knocking him out. When he wakes up, he is sitting on a park bench in a pink frilly dress, with a bow in his hair, makeup on his face and high heeled shoes on his feet.

It is a while before Naruto pranks another girl.


	23. Not That Match!

"Next match!" Hayate calls.

"Obelix VS The Roman Army." proclaims the computer.

"Not that match!"

"Tenten VS Temari."

Kakashi glances over to Iruka, only to see him doubled over with suppressed laughter.

About two minutes later, Temari has Tenten draped over her (still closed) fan and Tenten is unconscious. What looks like an entire weapons shop is scattered on the ground around them, courtesy of Tenten. Of course, Temari is untouched.

"Temari wins!" Hayate calls out. "Next Match!"

"Darth Vader VS Kylo Ren."

"Who are all these people!?"

"Shikamaru Nara VS Kin Tsuchi."

It takes Shikamaru all of five minutes to win, and he doesn't even touch his opponent. He simply outsmarts her and makes her bang her head against the wall, knocking herself unconscious.

"Alright, next match!" shouts Hayate. "And don't give me the names of people who aren't competing in the chunin exams!"

"Naruto VS The Orange Terror."

"Iruka-niisan!" shouts Naruto. "I can't fight myself!"

"Sure you can," Iruka calls back. "Just make a shadow clone."

"But that's lame! I wanna prank one of these losers! You can't have all the fun, you know."

"Since when did Naruto call Iruka sensei 'Iruka-niisan'?" asks Shikamaru. "And since when did he have a shinobi nickname?"

"Since that hullabaloo with the ANBU, the Secret Archive and Danzo," replies Sasuke flippantly. "The ANBU called him 'The Orange Terror' and Iruka sensei called him 'Otouto'. The nicknames stuck ever since."

Shikamaru looks confused. Kakashi relishes the moment. It is not often one confuses a Nara.

Iruka laughs and the screen changes to "Naruto Uzumaki VS Kiba Inuzuka."

"Sweet, I get to prank dog-Breath." Naruto vaults over the railing - Kakashi is starting to see a pattern here - and lands with a satisfying thud in the arena.

Kiba follows, with his puppy on his head. "I'll win this easy," Kiba grins, putting the puppy on the ground. "You're a loser and a nobody."

He meant it as a taunt, however Naruto just grinnes. "Actually, I found out recently that I'm not a nobody," he tells Kiba. "Get this: my Dad is the Fourth Hokage, Minato Namikaze, the Yellow Flash of the Hidden Leaf and my Mum is a princess of the Village Hidden in the Whirlpool, Kushina Uzumaki, the Bloody-Red Habanero!" He grins, making Kakashi glad he is not the one down there with Naruto. "And I am the Prankster Prince, Naruto Uzumaki, the Orange Terror of the Village Hidden in the Leaves. I'll win this easy as knocking out the Hokage!"

"Begin!" Hayate says.

"How the hell did he do that?," demands Choji, about two minutes later.

Kiba is suspended from the ceiling. Naruto's favourite Orange Rope is attached to Kiba's pink puppy-dog undies. Kiba also happens to be suspended by said rope, meaning he has a very painful looking wedgie. Akamaru is tied to Kiba's feet, in a net scented with catnip. "Let me down!" Kiba yells, struggling to get free. "I'll kick your ass!"

"Yield or I'll paint what you do at night all over the arena floor!" Naruto threatens.

Going very, very pale Kiba quickly changes his tune. "I forfeit!"

"The winner is Naruto!" declares Hayate.

After letting Kiba down, Naruto reclaims his gear and heads back to the balcony. "Those glorified pranking lessons you've been giving me are great!" Naruto says, hugging Kakashi. "They've been coming in handy heaps lately."

"You, know, you're ready for the next stage of training. But for that I need to get hold of Jiraiya," says Kakashi, patting Naruto on the head awkwardly. He still doesn't quite know how to deal with the whole 'hug' thing.

"Next match!" Hayate calls.

"Hermione VS The Flash." says the screen.

"No!" Hayate protests. "No more of your stupid prank, Iruka!"

"Alright, alright," says Iruka.

"Hinata Hyuuga VS Neji Hyuuga."

"Are they brother and sister?" Naruto asks.

"No, they are cousins," Kakashi tells him. "But last I heard, he hated her with a passion."

Kakashi watches as Hinata and Neji walk down into the Arena to fight.

 _This won't be pretty,_ he thinks grimly.

Kisame hasn't stopped talking for the last hour. But Itachi finds his incessant talking strangely comforting. It's also fun to tell the shark to shut up every now and again. But not today. Today Itachi is content to listen.

"So where would you go if you were in Danzo's shoes?" asks Kisame, finally getting back to the mission.

"Danzo will probably head for Orochimaru's hideout," Itachi tells him. "It was never fully proven, but Danzo and Orochimaru are allies."

"Oh, so are we headed to Orochimaru's lair, then?"

"We will search them, one by one until we find Orochimaru and force him to tell us where Danzo went."

"What if he doesn't know?"

"He will."

"Can we kill the old snake?"

"We can try."

A boy with messy blue hair runs out of the trees and smacks into Kisame. Kisame grabs the boy by the back of his shirt and picks him up off the ground. The boy starts turning into liquid.

"Suigetsu Hozuki?" exclaims Kisame in surprise. "I heard you were dead."

The boy stares at Kisame with his mouth open. "Kisame Hoshigaki? Please don't let them catch me!"

"Let who catch you?"

In answer to Kisame's question, a few oddly dressed ninjas emerge from the trees with what looks suspiciously like fishing tools and a makeshift fish-tank.

"Them!" says the boy, Suigetsu.

"Give us the boy," says one of the ninjas, who are all wearing headbands adorned with a musical note. "He belongs to us."

"Actually, his big brother was a friend of mine," says Kisame. "I think I'll keep him and make him my apprentice."

"I'm afraid we can't allow you to do that," says the ninja.

"Hold this for me," says Kisame, handing Suigetsu to Itachi. He then draws Samehada and effortlessly kills the group of ninjas. Suigetsu continues to stare with his mouth open. "So who were those people, anyway," Kisame asks, putting Samehada away.

"They work for Orochimaru," says Suigetsu. "I thought it would be easier to escape while the ol' snake was away." he turns to liquid and consequently falls out of Itachi's hands and lands in a puddle on the ground.

"Why, were did Orochimaru go?" asks Itachi.

"He's gone off to destroy Konoha and kill the Hokage."


	24. Anger VS The Will of Fire

Naruto watches as Neji discourages and insults Hinata, trying to force her to quit out of fear. The angry, malicious look in Neji's eyes is one Naruto knows all too well from all the times it was directed at him in the past. He goes on and on about losers and fate, and how no one can longer Neji talks, the more Naruto's anger builds.

Hinata is terrified, ashamed and humiliated, and it looks like she won't be getting up. Angry and unable to stand it anymore, Naruto Yells "Kick his ass, Hinata! I know you can do it!"

To his surprise, Hinata slowly straightens up, and activating her byakugan, she assumes a fighting stance. "I won't just let you beat me, Neji," she says, her voice wobbling less than usual. "I'll fight you to my last breath if I have to!"

They begin to fight; and as they fight, Lee explains how the byakugan works - it can see the chakra networks, or something fancy sounding.

Most of it goes straight over Naruto's head, but one thing sticks very, very firmly: Neji could very well kill Hinata. And in the end it takes Kurenai sensei, Kakashi-sensei, Gai sensei and Hayate to stop him from doing just that. But then Hinata collapses, and Naruto jumps down into the arena. He runs to Hinata, reaching her just as she slips into unconsciousness.

"Why do you care about her?" Neji demands. "You took down your opponent so fast, and she's just a nobody who can't even fight another genin."

Naruto turns on Neji in anger. "You don't know what you're talking about."

"She will never change, she will always be weak!" Neji shouts, tense with anger. "Once a loser, always a loser! Nobody can change, that's just the way things are."

"When the finals come around," says Naruto, "You better fight me: I have something I need to beat into your stupid head!" He stoops and dips his hand in one of the puddles of Hinata's blood. Holding out his hand, blood dripping off it, Naruto declares, "Neji Hyuuga, you are going down!"

Iruka watches as Hinata is carried away by the medics. If anyone can get through to Neji, it is Naruto. He is distracted by one of colleagues from the academy arriving and winding their way through the assembled proctors. The Academy sensei awkwardly slides up to Iruka.

"What do you want?" Iruka asks, making no effort to be subtle.

"Um," the other sensei motions that he wants to whisper in Iruka's ear.

"Oh, get on with it," snaps Iruka. Newbies. They were all so annoying and awkward.

"There's a girl at the Academy looking for you," the sensei whispers in his ear. "She says her name is Karin."

"I've been expecting her to show up," says Iruka. He hands the remote for the screen to Ibiki. "When Hayate calls out for the next match, push this button."

"Okay," Ibiki takes the remote quite happily.

Iruka shunshins off to the Academy.

"Next match!" Hayate orders.

"Rock Lee VS Gaara," the screen says.

"What, no dud match, this time?" Hayate says, surprised.

"Iruka's been called away," calls out Ibiki. "I'm in control of the screen now."

"Oh, good. In that case: Gaara and Rock Lee, please come down here!"

"Finally," Gaara says, tense with anticipation.

 _Spill his blood for me,_ Shukaku's voice whispers in the back of his mind. _Make your mother proud of you._

Gaara transports into the arena using his sand. "Get down here," he tells Rock Lee of the Horrid Bowlcut. There is something about the boy that draws Gaara's attention. He isn't sure what the feeling is, but he is certain enough about it to know one thing: Rock Lee must die.

Lee does some warm up kicks and jumps down into the arena. "I am glad I am facing you so soon in the competition," Lee says smiling.

That odd feeling returns. "Pfft." Gaara snickers, he really needed to kill this guy.

Lee assumes his eloquent fighting stance.

Gaara simply crosses his arms. The cork flies out of his gourd, only to be caught in midair by Lee.

"No need to get excited," says Lee.

Gaara smiles, looking forward to killing Lee even more.

"Begin!" Hayate calls, making the signal to fight and leaving the arena.

Lee runs at Gaara and launches a fast kick at him. "Leaf Whirlwind!" he declares.

Gaara simply blocks him, sending him flying across the arena. Surprise written all over his face, Lee picks himself up and takes another shot at hitting Gaara. Lee is fast, but Gaara's sand is faster. After chasing and being chased by Gaara's sand, Lee jumps up onto the carved hands at the front of the room.

"Take them off Lee!" Lee's sensei shouts from the sidelines.

"But sensei..!" Lee starts to protest for some reason.

"Do it Lee," the sensei commands.

"Yes sensei!"

Now, Gaara could easily kill Lee then and there, but he is curious to see what, exactly, the other boy's sensei is talking about. Gaara is surprised when Lee sits down and removes leg weights from underneath his tacky orange legwarmers. Then Lee stands and drops the leg weights on either side of him. The leg weights land with a _boom_ , sending up massive clouds of smoke from the giant craters they form in the floor. "Now I'll be able to move easier!" Lee shouts.

"Go, Lee," orders that annoying sensei of his.

Then Lee vanishes. Or, at least, he _appears_ to vanish. He moves very, very fast, reappearing behind Gaara and throwing a punch at him before Gaara has enough time to raise his sand shields properly. Lee continues his assault, breaking past a little more of Gaara's sand with each blow. Then Lee manages to land a kick, hitting Gaara over the head. Gaara is very, very glad he is wearing his sand armor. Then Lee is everywhere, punching, kicking, wearing down Gaara's armor.

Gaara cannot contain himself any longer. As his sand armour crumbles, Gaara begins to laugh, bloodlust filling every part of his body, along with that odd feeling. The confusion as to what, exactly, that feeling is only makes Gaara want to kill Lee all the more. He pulls his sand around him, fixing his armour. The sand around him takes on a life of its own. It feels angry. Soon, he feels angry too. How dare this Leaf Ninja think he can beat the Jinchuuriki of the One Tail?

"Is that all you have?" Gaara demands.

* * *

 **Omake**

 **Once it Stops Being Cute.**

 _Dedicated to the guest who left this comment:_

" _Omake about the grim reaper- mikoto uchiha_

 _This omake- ayame"_

 _You are right about the Grim Reaper (YAY!), but not the girl with the book (She's not even from 'Naruto')._

Itachi gets home from team training to hear Sasuke singing.

Or rather belting out words at the top of his lungs.

"Head, Shoulders, Knees-and-toes-knees-and-toes- Itachi-niisan!" Itachi gets jumped on by a flying missile composed entirely of his three-year-old brother. "I learned a new song today! Do you want to hear it?!" he asks dancing around Itachi.

"Sure, why not?" says Itachi, knowing he is gonna hear the song anyway.

"Head, Shoulders, Kneesntoes, kneesntoes…" Sasuke starts belting out the song all over again.

Itachi goes up to his room, Sasuke jumping along behind him, and puts his gear away.

"...And EYES and ears and MOUTH AND NOSE!" Sasuke continues to belt out, doing all the accompanying actions.

Itachi goes back downstairs to greet his parents.

"...KNEES AND TOES!" Sasuke finally finishes. "Did you like my song?! Did you like it, niisan?"

"It was nice," says Itachi.

"Yay! Do you wanna hear it again?"

"Maybe later, Sasuke," says Itachi. "Good afternoon, Tousan, Kaasan."

"Please stop him!" Fugaku mouths to Itachi. "He's been going for three hours!"

Itachi shrugs. As far as he's concerned, Sasuke's singing is still cute.

"It's later now!" Sasuke announces. "Head, Shoulders, Knees and TOES!..."

Itachi simply gets up and leaves the room. Unfortunately, Sasuke's toddler voice carries to all parts of the house. A few hours later, Itachi is about ready to stuff his brother in a closet. Then he realizes. This would make a good torture device. He seeks out Sasuke.

"...Mouth-and-nose-head-shoulders-knees-and-toes!" Sasuke finishes the song for about the hundredth time..

"Sasuke," says Itachi. "Can you sing that for me from the beginning, one more time?" he activates his Sharingan and records his brother's one-person concert. "That should do it," Itachi says, deactivating his Sharingan.

"Do you wanna hear it again?" Sasuke asks hopefully.

"Maybe next time," says Itachi, poking his brother in the forehead.

Sasuke is so surprised, he doesn't move or make a sound for an entire hour.

Itachi files the forehead-poke technique away for future use when he needs to get rid of his brother.


	25. Violence is Never the Answer?

Karin follows after her team mates, dragging her feet. After spending five days keeping them at full chakra capacity, she is worn out. After the way they've been treating her, she is glad that they didn't make it through the second round. Now, how to convince her teammates to let her visit the local academy?

"Hurry up Karin!" one of the boys orders her.

"I'm tired," says Karin. "Can't we rest before we head home?"

"You don't deserve a rest!" the boy snaps. "You stupid outsider, it's your fault we failed."

"If you hadn't left me, that Leaf team wouldn't have taken our scroll!" she accuses. "You know I'm not trained in combat!" it was part of the plan for her team to fail, so Sasuke had taken her team's scroll. Not that she would ever tell her team she willingly let their scroll be taken.

The boy turns around and slaps her. "You were supposed to be hiding!"

Seeing her opportunity, Karin starts crying and runs away.

"Hey, get back here!" she hears her teammates call.

But of course she doesn't. Using the shinobi jump that Sakura had taught her, she jumps up onto the nearest roof and back down the other side. She loses her team quickly and heads over to the academy. Once there, she heads inside to look for the man Naruto referred to as his big brother.

"What do you want?" asks the bored looking receptionist when she approaches him. His chakra is warm and welcoming, and his voice kind.

Karin smiles nervously and says, "I'm here to see Iruka Umino."

It turns out Iruka is proctoring the chunin exams, so they send the newest staff member - a replacement for someone called Mizuki - to get him.

Karin sits down to wait, but it isn't long before the chunin she's looking for shunshins into the room. She stands nervously and tries to stammer out, "I-I-I'm Karin, Naruto sent me-"

The chunin smiles reassuringly. "It's alright, Karin. Naruto told me you were coming. I would take you to the Hokage, but he's overseeing the preliminary round of the exams."

 _His chakra is so warm and friendly_ , Karin thinks happily.

"But I'll take you to the Hokage tower and see about getting you Leaf Citizenship," Iruka continues, for it is Iruka - Karin recognizes the scar that Naruto told her to look for. "Come with me." He gestures to her to follow him, and leads her out of the academy to the Hokage tower.

Karin is surprised to see a red haired man in a wheelchair sitting in the lobby reading a copy of Konoha's latest Bingo book. The man looks up at her and smiles. "Come here, little Uzumaki girl," says the man.

Iruka turns to the man. "Who are you?"

"I am Nagato Uzumaki, god of the Hidden Rain," the man says, putting his book down on his lap. "I thought Naruto was the only other Uzumaki left but it seems I was wrong. I see you've been living in the Hidden Grass, have they been kind to you?"

"Um..." Karin isn't sure what to say. "Not really."

"She's essentially their slave," says Iruka. "Naruto sent her to me so I can get her Leaf citizenship. Her name is Karin."

"There you are, little brat!" Karin hides behind Iruka as her minder stalks towards her. "You know you aren't allowed to leave your team."

"They left me in the forest!" says Karin, feeling brave. "I got attacked, and I could've died if Team Seven hadn't saved me!"

"What do you mean they saved you?" her minder demands. "You told your team they took your scroll!"

"Well that's because they did," Karin says, feeling scared again. "They said a team that abandons one of its members doesn't deserve to pass the chunin exams!"

"You little…!"

"They are right," Nagato says, calmly. "A shinobi who abandons his comrades is no shinobi."

"That is why Naruto has decided to keep his cousin," says Iruka. "I am sorry, but the Hidden Leaf will be taking Karin Uzumaki in as a ward. According to the peace treaty between the Hidden Whirlpool and the Hidden Leaf, every member of the Uzumaki clan has the right apply for and gain automatic Leaf citizenship."

"You wouldn't dare," says Karin's minder.

"Why not?" asks Iruka.

"Because if you do, the Village Hidden in the Grass will declare war on the Village Hidden in the Leaf."

There is a tense silence in the lobby. Everyone there is watching now.

"Damn," Karin hears a Leaf Ninja say from somewhere by the door.

Karin cannot help herself. She begins to cry. Her hope of finally having a proper home and family is shattering before her eyes.

"Would you declare war on the Akatsuki?" asks Nagato, suddenly.

"A-Akatsuki?" Karin's minder stammers out.

"Yes," Nagato says mildly. "I am Nagato Uzumaki, leader of the Akatsuki. I am also Lord Pein, god of the Hidden Rain." Six imposing figures seem to materialize from the shadows Karin didn't notice were there. "As a member of the ancient and noble clan Uzumaki I claim my right to take in Karin Uzumaki and raise her as my daughter. She will live with me in the Hidden Rain. If you have any objections, feel free to take it up with my subordinate, Hidan of the Order of Jashin."

Karin's minder goes very pale as Nagato speaks. Then Nagato brushes back his hair, revealing his rinnegan eyes.

Karin's minder collapses. "I-I w-won't contest your cl-claim!" he stammers out. Then he drags himself away as fast as he can.

"Do you mean it?" Karin asks, peeking out from behind Iruka and creeping towards Nagato. "That you're going to adopt me?"

Nagato looks at her with a soft smile on his excessively skinny face. "Yes, I do believe I meant that, even though I didn't quite plan to say it."

Karin smiles her first genuine smile since her mother died.


	26. Prove Your Worth

Gaara sees Lee look to his sensei for approval. Next thing he knows, Lee is smiling, turning to him with this bold, confident air about him.

"Well, hurry up," Gaara says, impatient to see what Lee will do this time.

Lee runs at him, kicks him into the air and binds him with the bandages around his wrists. Without a second thought, Gaara switches with a sand clone before Lee can notice. The clone is smashed into the ground as Lee yells "Primary Lotus!" the sand clone cracks and disintegrates. Gaara rears up behind Lee, feeling so very happy. Finally he has an opponent who is actually challenging. Pity he will be dead soon.

 _Kill him,_ whispers Shukaku.

Lee shows fear for the first time in the match as Gaara sends a barrage of sand bullets at him. Gaara throws Lee against the wall, finally hurting the green-spandexed boy. It seems the Lotus hurt Lee, because he doesn't seem to be able to move. Gaara continues his attack, relishing every moment.

Then something odd happens. Lee dodges one of Gaara's attacks, straightens into his fighting position and smiles.

Annoyed, Gaara says, "You are finished here."

Sounding very, very serious, Lee says, "Either way, this will end now." then he crosses his arms in front of his face and closes his eyes. Chakra begins to form around him. Veins pop out in his forehead and his hair starts to float around his head. "Inner gates: Third Gate: Gate of LIfe: Open!" Lee shouts, sounding as if he is in pain. Gaara knows what other people in pain sounds like, but never before has anyone he's met hurt themself this much. "Fourth Gate: Gate of Pain: open!" Lee shouts, crouching and clenching his fists in exertion. Blood begins to trickle from his nose.

Gaara almost feels horrified.

 _Kill him,_ whispers Shukaku.

Everything around Gaara seems to explode. Then Lee is right up close to him, kicking him, sending him flying, then punching him. Lee seems to be everywhere, kicks and punches come from everywhere, cracking and breaking Gaara's sand armour. "Fifth Gate; Gate of closing: Open!" rings in Gaara's ears. Then Gaara is slammed into the ground so hard it breaks his gourd.

For the first time in his life, Gaara truly feels pain.

Angry beyond measure he sends out his sand, and crushes Lee's left leg and arm. "Sand Coffin!" he hisses. Lee's screams fill Gaara's ears, even as gaara sends the rest of his sand to kill him.

And then his sand is brushed aside by Lee's sensei.

Gaara feels fear. That man is so calm and cold in that moment that it scares Gaara more than anger or killing intent would have. This man, Gaara knows, could kill him easily.

Gaara's head is suddenly filled with memories of his family. His uncle's gentle smile; his father's hard, disapproving glare; his sibling's fearful, but simultaneously annoyed glances; his own anger at them. It _hurts_. It hurts so badly. Holding his head in pain, Gaara asks, "Why did you save him?"

The man smiles grimly. "He is my student. And he is precious to me."

Gaara wants to cry for some reason. Instead, he stands and walks away from Lee. "The fight is over," he drones.

"The winner is Gaara!" Hayate declares.

But then Lee stands up, assuming a fighting stance.

"Lee, that's enough," Lee's sensei tells him, grabbing him by the shoulders. But then the man begins to cry. "Even unconscious you want to keep fighting. You want to prove your worth."

 _Prove your worth._ The phrase rings in Gaara's ears. What worth could he possibly have?

"You truly are a great ninja," Lee's sensei says, hugging Lee.

As Hayate calls over the medical ninja, Naruto runs past Gaara to get to Lee. Naruto catches Gaara's eye as he runs past. Something resonates between them. Naruto stops short when he sees Lee, a sad, angry look on his face. He turns to Gaara. "I thought you seemed nice, but this...! How could you do something like this to another person?" Naruto says, his voice quivering.

 _I thought you seemed nice._ Gaara's head spins. Gaara barely registers what is happening as one of the medics pulls Lee's sensei aside. He hardly hears it as the medic explains that Lee will never walk properly again, if at all. But one thing does stick in Gaara's mind. "He will never be a shinobi again."

 _Never be a shinobi. I thought you seemed nice. Prove your worth. He is precious to me._ Gaara's head is in turmoil. _Prove your worth. What is his worth?_

 _What is my worth?_

The mood in the arena is bleak. Naruto wants to find Iruka-nii and hug him. But Iruka-nii left for some reason. No one is in the mood, but there is one more match to be fought.

"Choji Akimichi VS Dosu Kinuta." Hayate sounds dull and lifeless. "Begin!"

It takes Dosu all of a minute to beat Choji. No one is really paying attention, though. Except Choji's team, that is.

"The winner is Dosu Kinuta!" Hayate announces. "With this match, the preliminary matches are completed. Congratulations to all who made it through to the final round. Would you all please step down here?"

The genin who won their matches step forward and line up before Hayate.

"Well, now I would like to explain the final test," The Third Hokage says, stepping forward.

"Finally," Naruto mutters.

"As I tried to tell you before, the final stage of the exam is held in front of a crowd of spectators," the Old Man says. "Each of you will represent the strength of his or her country, so i would like you to give it your all. For this reason, the finals will be held in a month, giving you time to train and learn new moves."

"Oh, good," Naruto says, relieved. "We get a break."

"Yes, you get a break," the Old Man smiles. "During that time the venue will be arranged, guests will travel here and you, the contestants will train yourselves. Up until now, you have been fighting unknown opponents. However, after this preliminary, you now have a good idea of what you are facing. Use the break however you wish: either learn some new moves or rest." The Old Man smiles. "There is one thing left for you to do before you all leave," he says. "Take one piece of paper each from the box Anko is holding. This will determine who fights whom in the tournament that will be the first round of the finals."

Anko passes around the box, and they each take a number. Once they have all done so, Ibiki draws up a formation for the first round of single combat matches.

Ibiki shows it to them.

First, Shikamaru will fight Dosu.

Then Naruto will fight Neji. _Good,_ thinks Naruto.

The match after that is Gaara VS Sasuke.

After that is Kankuro Vs Shino

Then the winner of the Shikamaru VS Dosu fight will Battle Temari.

The winners of the Naruto Vs Neji battle and the Gaara VS Sasuke battle will fight each other in the second round. Followed by the winners of the Kankuro VS Shino and the Temari VS Shikamaru/Dosu battle. The winners of these two matches will then fight in the final round.

Naruto smiles, glad that he will definitely fight Neji.

* * *

 **Omake**

 **Brothers, Am I Right?**

 _Dedicated to_ ** _dreaming of rocketships_** _who got it right on the second guess, and Guest Commentator_ ** _KK_** _:_

" ** _KK_** _: Gut reaction is Belle."_

 _Your gut is right. The girl in chapter 22's omake is Belle. She put him in the wardrobe for a makeover._

Temari gets up one morning feeling rather cheerful. Hopefully her brothers won't do anything stupid today.

She wanders down to the kitchen to get some breakfast, wishing water wasn't so heavily rationed. Only two showers a week. She wonders whether their next mission will take them near an onsen. As she passes through the living room, she sees the most horrifying thing.

"KANKURO!" she shouts to her brother. "Pick up your undies!"

Kankuro emerges from his work room (which also happens to contain his bed and was probably once his bedroom) and sheepishly snatches up his stray unies. "Sorry, Temari!" he apologises. "They must've fallen out of my washing-basket." he scoots back to his workshop.

Shaking her head, glad that Kankuro is too stupid to do such things on purpose, Temari gets herself some breakfast. Once she's done, she heads off to train. As she is putting on her shoes, she notices something. The sand on her shoes is moving. "GAARA!" she yells. "Get your sand out of my shoes and back in your gourd!"


	27. Family Reunions are Not Good for Kakashi

"We didn't even know Lee very well, but I feel awful for him," says Sasuke. "I copied that new move from him, and now he will never use it again."

"I know," agrees Naruto. "I feel bad for Hinata, too. Imagine if a member of your own family truly hated you that much."

"I used to think Itachi hated me," Sasuke says softly.

"But he never tried to kill you," points out Sakura. "Oh, look, here comes Iruka sensei. I hope he has good news for us."

Iruka sensei strides up to team seven, smiling. "So who else made it to the finals?" he asks.

"Gaara and Dosu," says Naruto glumly.

"Ah," Iruka sensei says nodding. "The finals will be interesting." he crouches down in front of the three genin. "Why so glum?"

"Lee was hurt so bad he can never be a ninja again" says Sakura. "I feel so bad for him."

"We all do," agrees Naruto. "So why did you have to leave anyway?"

Iruka sensei adopts a very solemn expression. "I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"

"The bad news first," says Naruto firmly. "Then tell us the good news to cheer us up."

"Well the bad news is Karin cannot stay in the Hidden Leaf or the Hidden Grass will declare war on us," Iruka sensei says.

"NO…!" the team bursts out, horrified.

"The good news is she's going to be adopted by Nagato Uzumaki," Iruka continues. "Also known as Lord Pein, leader of Akatsuki and god of the Hidden Rain. The Grass doesn't dare wage war on _him_."

"Wait!" Naruto exclaims. "Lord Pein is from my clan?"

"Yes, and he would like to meet you in person, along with your teammates," Iruka sensei smiles.

"But I already met him in person!" says Naruto.

"Actually, that was just one of his puppet-bodies - he calls them the Six Paths of Pein," Iruka sensei explains. "His actual body is in Konoha and he wants to meet you face-to-face properly."

"Yay! A family reunion!" Naruto jumps up and down cheering.

Curious to see what the so-called god of the Hidden Rain looks like, Sakura says, "so can we go meet him now?"

"Of course, come with me." Iruka sensei leads them to the Hokage tower.

When they arrive at the Hokage tower, team seven finds Karin in the courtyard. She is pushing a red haired man in a wheelchair about and chatting to him.

"Hi Karin!" Naruto shouts, waving and running towards his cousin.

"Hey Naruto!" Karin calls, waving to him, only to get knocked over an instant later when Naruto hugs her.

"Naruto!" Sakura scolds. "Don't squish our new friend!"

"Oh, hi Sakura, hi Sasuke!" Karin says from inside Naruto's enthusiastic hug.

"Hello Karin," says Sakura.

"Hn," says Sasuke. Sakura isn't entirely sure but she thinks Sasuke means "Keep your cooties away from me." But there's no way someone as cool as Sasuke could still believe in cooties. She must've misinterpreted.

"This is the infamous Team Seven?" asks the man in the wheelchair.

"Yes, we're team seven," Sakura tells him. "And you are?"

"Nagato Uzumaki," the man says.

"You're related to me?" Naruto detaches from Karin and pounces on Nagato. "Yay, another cousin!" Nagato's wheelchair goes careening backward.

"Waoh!" Nagato shouts in surprise.

"AAHH!" Naruto screams once he realizes they are spinning out of control. He clings desperately to Nagato and yells "Help us, we're gonna die!"

The wheelchair comes to an abrupt halt as Kakashi sensei shunshins behind them. Kakashi sensei obviously wasn't expecting to be hit by a rogue wheel chair because he squealed undignifiedly as he was bowled over by Nagato's wheelchair. Sakura runs over in horror. Kakashi is stuck under the wheelchair. The wheelchair has tipped over and spilled out its contents on the ground. One of its contents - better known as Naruto - jumps to his feet and shouts "Oh no we killed Kakashi-sensei!"

"Maybe now we can get a new one," says Sakura, pulling the chair off their unfortunate sensei and setting it upright.

"You aren't getting rid of me that easy," declares Kakashi sensei, pulling himself upright.

"Um, can you help me up?" Nagato says from where he is sprawled on the ground. From the way he is lying, Sakura can see round bumps under his cloak.

"Okay!" Naruto shouts, pulling Nagato back into his wheelchair with some assistance from Karin.

Once he is firmly settled back in his chair, Nagato says, "So I'm sure Iruka-san has informed you that Karin will be living with me from now on."

"Yes," Naruto looks a bit downcast. "I wanted to keep her!"

"I know," Nagato says, putting his hand on Naruto's shoulder. "But remember, the Leaf and the Rain are allies, so you will be able to visit each other. You and your teammates will always be welcome in the Hidden Rain, and I will bring Karin with me whenever I come to the Leaf. It's not like you will never see her again."

"I suppose…" Naruto still sounds unhappy.

"You know what," says Kakashi sensei. "How about you guys spend the rest of the day with your new friend. Meet me at our usual place at nine tomorrow morning so I can explain your new training program."

"Why do we need a new training program?" asks Naruto confused.

"For the final round of the exams," says Kakashi sensei. "You and Sasuke need to learn some new moves. Sakura needs to get stronger too."

"Oh, right."


	28. A Mild Inconvenience

"Iruka, can I speak with you?" Kakashi asks as team seven and their new friends bounce off to visit 'Konoha's Best Soups. EVER.'

"What is it?" asks Iruka, curious.

"I need your help with getting Jiraiya to train Naruto," kakashi says. "I heard he is in town, but if I straight-out ask him to train Naruto, then he'll make some excuse and skip town."

"That is a problem," says Iruka. "But I think I know the solution. Listen very carefully: here's what you need to do…"

The next morning, Kakashi arrives at the scheduled place to meet his team, only to find three skeletons wearing his team's clothes. The three skeletons are slumped against the railings of the bridge looking very dejected and forlorn.

Kakashi's first thought is that his students are wearing henges. He strides up to them, "Comon, guys, no more fooling around…" he trails off when he sees a note clutched in the Sasuke-skelton's hand. Carefully, Kakashi takes the note and reads it.

" _It's been days already. The waiting is killing us. If Kakashi doesn't arrive soon, I fear we will starve. If you are reading this and we are dead, then we died waiting for our chronically late jounin instructor. -Sasuke._

 _Time is running out, hurry up sensei, Sasuke is dying of starvation! -Naruto._

 _Why oh why must we wait here until he arrives! If we can't leave ,we can't get food. The boys have already lost consciousness. - Sakura."_

Sure enough, the pen they wrote with is in Sakura's hand.

"No! They can't have died!" Kakashi despairs. "I was only an hour late. Surely the would've come to find me, or at least had the sense to go home!"

Then he heard what sounded suspiciously like suppressed laughter. Stalking over to the other side of the bridge he glares up a tree. His genin are up there giggling and chortling. They look a little too pleased with themselves.

"So this was a prank!" he scolds. "What do you think you're playing at, anyway?"

"We told you before," scowls Sasuke. "Be on time or be pranked."

"Get down here so I can tell you what training I've organized for the three of you," Kakashi orders, thoroughly annoyed.

The three genin jump down from their tree grinning.

"So what are you going to teach us, then?" asks Naruto.

"I'm not going to be teaching all of you," Kakashi tells them.

"Why not?" demands Naruto.

"Because if I trained you and Sasuke together then you would know each other's moves in the tournament. Remember; you may very well be pitted against each other in the second round." Kakashi pulls out a piece of paper and hands it to Sakura. "This is your training schedule for the next month. I will check up on you every day or two to see how you're getting on."

"So you're basically just going to train the boys?" Sakura snaps. "That's sexism."

"No, it's not," says Kakashi patiently. "I will not be training the boys I will only be training Sasuke."

"Then who am I gonna train with?" Naruto objects.

"I was gonna get Jiraiya to train you but I haven't been able to get ahold of him yet," Kakashi tells Naruto. "Until I've managed to drag Jiraiya out of the woodwork, you will train with Ebisu."

"But I don't like Ebisu…!" Naruto protests.

Kakashi sighs. "It's only temporary. You are to meet him at the hotsprings about now."

"I don't wanna train with Ebisu!" Naruto whines. "How come you're training Sasuke and not me, anyway? Can't you just get Itachi to train Sasuke?"

"Yeah," agrees Sasuke. "Why can't I train with Itachi?"

"Itachi is hunting Danzo," says Kakashi, mustering all the patience he has left. "I am going to train you and not Naruto because you and I have the same chakra nature."

"But…!" Naruto starts to protest again.

Kakashi has had quite enough, so he picks up Sasuke, tucks him under his arm and shunshins away. Most of his team's pranks were actually rather funny. But this time… But then again, how are they to know his worst nightmare is seeing them dead?

When Naruto arrives at the hotsprings, the first thing Ebisu says to Naruto is, "You are late."

"Yeah well, Kakashi-sensei only turned up to tell me to come here about five minutes ago," Naruto says, wondering how best to prank Ebisu.

"Well, that's not your fault, I suppose," Ebisu says, adjusting his sunglasses. "Now, Kakashi has asked me to teach you how to walk on water."

"Walk on water?" Naruto is confused. How do people walk on water?

"Yes," says Ebisu. "It is a chunin level chakra control exercise."

"Chakra control?" Naruto pulls a face. "Like the tree climbing exercise?"

"Yes, but water walking is harder because you have to adjust the amount of chakra you use to compensate for the water's movement." Ebisu makes the ram hand seal. "Watch carefully." he builds up chakra around his feet and steps onto the water. Naruto stares as Ebisu walks across the water, turning to face Naruto, smiling. "Now try to walk across the water to me."

"Okay!" Naruto agrees. Maybe taining with Ebisu won't be so bad after all. He make the ram seal and builds up chakra in his feet. As he steps out onto the water, he remembers the tree climbing exercise and adjusts the amount of chakra he is using to stick to the surface of the water. He wobbles, then falls straight into the water. "AHH! IT'S HOT!" he jumps out as fast as he can.

"A little incentive to help you train faster," Ebisu grins. "If the water's hot you won't want to fall in."

Naruto glares at him. So much for training with Ebisu not being so bad. "You are so getting pranked," Naruto mutters.

"What are you doing?!" Ebisu shouts, striding past Naruto.

Naruto turns to see who Ebisu is talking to. A man with long white hair is crouched by the wall around the girls' bathhouse, not even pretending he isn't peeking. He's even giggling and writing notes.

The man turns to glare at Ebisu, "I'm researching; go away."

"I will not allow you to indulge in such crude behavior!" Ebisu refuses to give up.

The man looks at him, mildly annoyed at best. Then he summons a giant toad and flattens Ebisu. Once Ebisu is dealt with, the man simply goes back to his peeping.

* * *

 **Omake**

 **So This is Why They Call Him 'The Orange Terror'.**

 _100 Followers. Yay! (Actually it's over 100 now.)_

"Psst, Konohamaru!" Naruto summons Konohamaru from the secrecy of a tree.

"What's up boss?" asks Konohamaru.

"I need your help with something," says Naruto. "Get me these things and meet me at my apartment in two hours." He hands Konohamaru a list of items.

"Yes boss!" Konohamaru salutes. Then he runs off to gather the necessary items, wondering who the boss is planning to prank.

Naruto seeks out the only person who can help him with the other part of the plan. "Hey, Super-Bushy-Brows-sensei!" He calls when he finds the one he is looking for. "Can I have a ton of those spandex suits of yours, but in bright pink?"

"Of course you can!" agrees Super-Bushy-Brows-sensei, enthusiastically.

Naruto meets Konohamaru at the appointed place and time. "You have everything?"

"Yes boss!" Konohamaru says.

"Good, here's the plan…"

Ebisu gets home tired after a long day of doing the Hokage's paperwork (while the Hokage lost another 7 matches of Shogi to Iruka). He is almost sorry he doesn't need to train anyone at the moment. Almost.

He unlocks his apartment door opens it and stops dead in his tracks.

His house is pink.

All his furniture has been covered with frilly pink throws. His bed has been remade with the pinkest bedding he has ever seen. His floor is covered with a floral pink mat. His curtains have been replaced with pink butterfly curtains. His lampshade has also been swapped out for a pink monstrosity.

Ebisu dives for his closet, hoping that his clothes haven't been dyed pink.

They haven't.

They've been replaced with pink spandex.

He dives into the bathroom. All his towels and toiletries are pink.

"KONOHAMARU!" he shouts. Then he realizes there is no way that kid could've done this alone. "NARUTO!"


	29. Return of the Sage

_**AN**_ _: Ignus here again guys. So I'm here to address one of our commenters KK (who is a guest), your latest comment did have some good points in it. However we have not forgotten about that aspect of the story, so just keep reading. What you are looking for will pop in again in the next few chapters. Thanks for the comment again; Igunus._

Naruto crouches down beside Ebisu. Is he dead? It doesn't seem like it. Then is he knocked out? Naruto can only think of one sure way to find out.

"Hidden Leaf Secret Finger Jutsu, One Thousand Years of Death!"

No response from that painful jutsu.

"Yep, he's knocked out," Naruto says to himself. That old guy might be impressive and Ebisu might be annoying, but Naruto needs a trainer. Standing and turning to the old guy, Naruto shouts, "Hey, old guy! Who the hell are you?"

The old guy turns around. "Who am I?" he says, standing and assuming a theatrical pose. "I'm glad you asked!" he flips his hair around. "I am Jiraiya, the Mighty Toad Sage of Mount Myoboku!"

"You're my godfather?!" Naruto shouts. "But you're just weird, pervy old man! I was expecting someone cool!"

Naruto's godfather falls over backwards, his mouth so far open Naruto bets he could fit Kakashi-sensei's entire apartment in there.

"He doesn't think I'm cool!" Jiraiya weeps.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Naruto realizes something. "If you are my godfather, then howcome I never even met you or knew you existed until I broke into the Secret S Rank File Archive?"

"I don't like kids," says Jiraiya. Then his expression changes. "What do you mean you never knew I existed? I sent you a birthday present every year! And one for when you graduated!"

Naruto freezes in surprise. "Those presents were from you?"

"So you actually got them? That's good." Jiraiya looks relieved.

"So, are you going to train me now?" Naruto asks. "Kakashi-sensei was gonna get you to train me for the chunin exams. But he said he hasn't been able to contact you, or something."

"No," Jiraiya refuses. "I'm not training you until _after_ you make chunin."

"You're the worst godfather ever," Naruto pouts. "You are going to train me, or I'm gonna have to _convince_ you."

"As if you could convince me to train you before I want to," sneers Jiraiya. "As I said: I don't like kids!"

"Alright, I guess I'll have to start by asking nicely," Naruto decides. Making the ram hand seal he transforms. "Sexy jutsu!"

Jiraiya stares. And stares. And salivates. And nosebleeds. And says, "She's perfect. You're a genius, kid!"

"So you'll help me with my training?"

"Alright, but there's one condition."

"What condition?"

"You have to stay like that the whole time!" Jiraiya doesn't bother to hide what is going on his head. His face says it all.

Angry, Naruto releases the jutsu. "YOU ARE NOTHING BUT AN OLD PERVERT!"

"I'm not just an old pervert!" shouts Jiraiya.

"Then what are you, _Pervy-Sage_?" Naruto taunts.

"I'm a SUPER PERVERT!" the Pervy-Sage declares.

"Just do your duty as my godfather and train me, damn it!" Naruto yells back. "I didn't break into the Secret S Rank File Archive and learn of your existence only to have you brush me off once I finally met you!"

"Wait a second!" Pervy sage claps his hand over Naruto's mouth. "YOU broke into the Secret S Rank File Archive? But it's protected by traps that the First Hokage himself set!"

"What traps?" asks Naruto, confused. "I only found a bunch of lame pranks which were super easy to disable." He shrugs. "Iruka-nii reset them when we returned the files I stole, but they weren't anything special."

"Weren't anything special…!" Pervy-Sage's mouth falls open again. "But… our best ANBU couldn't…"

"ANBU are easier to beat than that creepy-snakey-man-woman-thing called Orochimaru," says Naruto. "And waaay easier to knock out than Grandpa-Hokage."

Jiraiya stares at him, mouth opening and closing.

"So can we train now?" Naruto asks.

"Yes," Jiraiya says. "Try that water-walking technique again."

"Right!" Naruto looks over at the piping hot water. "Do I have to do it there?"

"Yes."

"Fine." Naruto takes off his jacket, pant and tee-shirt. "But I'm taking my clothes off in case I fall in again!" He steps out onto the water. To his surprise, walking on the water is much easier than before. He grasps hold of the concept in a few short minutes. "Yes!" he cheers, jumping up and down on the water. "I did it! I can walk on water!"

Then Pervy-Sage calls out; "Come here, kid. I wanna teach you a cool technique now!"

"Oh, so _now_ you want to train me?"

Iruka picks Ebisu up off the paving stones.

"You did well," Iruka says. "You may go."

"Who is minding your class?" asks Ebisu. "I mean, I'm not minding it and neither are you, so…"

"The Hokage is giving them a lesson in politics," says Iruka.

"You convinced the Hokage to watch your class?"

"Why, yes. Why does that surprise you?"

"Point taken. I'm going home." Ebisu wanders away.

Iruka grins and shunshins away to where Kakashi is attempting to convince a bratty Sasuke to settle down and train.

"But how do I know Naruto is actually training with a good teacher?" Sasuke is demanding, arms crossed and a pout adorning his face. "There's no point in my improving if my teammates won't be challenging to spar with anymore."

"Naruto has already mastered the water walking exercise," Iruka says making his presence known.

Kakashi and Sasuke turn to him.

"So how's 'Operation Convince Jiraiya to Train Naruto' going?" Kakashi asks.

"The plan went off without a hitch," reports Iruka. "Ebisu started teaching Naruto at the hotsprings, he saw Jiraiya and confronted Jiraiya about his peeping. Jiraiya flattened him. Naruto checked Ebisu was still alive and started to yell at Jiraiya. After discovering who Jiraiya is, Naruto convinced Jiraiya to train him."

"So now will you train with me Sasuke?" Kakashi asks.

"Fine," agrees Sasuke. "But only because I want to beat Naruto in our fight."

"What if Gaara beats you?" Iruka asks.

"He won't," says Kakashi. "I'm going to teach Sasuke a jutsu that can penetrate Gaara's sand shield."


	30. Declaration in a Hospital

"Naruto," says Pervy-Sage. "You have two sets of chakra inside you. Have you ever noticed a different chakra than the one you normally use?"

"Well, there was that time against Haku when I got really mad," says Naruto thinking. "I don't really remember what happened, but I think some strange, angry red chakra took over my body."

"Good, so you do know it's there," Pervy-Sage nods.

"Are you gonna teach me how to control it?" Something occurs to Naruto. "Hang on, are you talking about the Nine Tails's chakra?"

Pervy-Sage looks surprised. "Yes, I am. So you know about the Nine Tails as well, then?"

"Yeah, can we get on with the training, already?"

"Impatient."

Naruto crosses his arms.

"Alright, I'm going to teach you to harness the Nine Tails chakra," Pervy-Sage gives in. "But to do that, I need to teach you a jutsu you won't be able to do with your current chakra levels, thus forcing you to use the Nine Tails's chakra."

"Huh?" Naruto only vaguely understands what Pervy-Sage just said.

"It's like when you eat a bowl of ramen, but it doesn't fill you up properly, so you have to eat another, even bigger bowl," Explains Pervy-Sage. "I thought I was done using food to explain things to little kids."

"Oh, I get it!" Naruto says, understanding what Pervy-Sage is saying. "I have less chakra than the fox, so I need to learn to use his by doing jutsu that take more chakra than I have."

"Exactly," says Jiraiya. "Now how would you like to learn the Toad Summoning Jutsu?"

"Awsome! I love toads!"

Before she begins her training, there is something Sakura feels she must do. So she heads to the Yamanaka flower shop. "Hi Ino," she greets her friend as she walks into the shop.

"Hi Sakura," says Ino, who is leaning on the counter. Her general appearance mirrors Sakura's: sticking-plasters and shiny patches of ointment cover her scratches and the bites Sakura had found oddly satisfying to execute. "What are you here for?"

"I'm here for a daffodil," says Sakura. "Actually, two daffodils," she amends.

"Why, are you visiting someone at the hospital?"

"Yes," says Sakura. "I was gonna visit Hinata, but I think I'll visit Lee as well."

"Oh," Ino says, a sad expression on her face. "If you don't mind I'd like to come with you."

Sakura and Ino get their daffodils and set off to the they arrive, Hinata is awake, but glum-looking. Sakura wonders if she has had any visitors yet.

"Hi Hinata," Sakura says, smiling. "We brought you daffodils."

"Oh...um...hi." is all Hinata says.

"Have you had many visitors?" asks Ino, giving her flower to Hinata.

"Just my team," Hinata says in a small voice.

 _Her family hasn't visited her?_ Sakura is saddened by this news. Finding a vase, Sakura, puts her flower into it and places it on Hinata's bedside table. "How are you feeling?"

"B-better."

"That's not much of an answer," Ino complains.

"I'll be in the hospital for a few more weeks," elaborates Hinata.

"Will you be out in time to watch Naruto kick Neji's ass for what he did to you?" Sakura asks.

Hinata blushes violently. "Naruto is angry about what Neji did to me?" she whispers.

"Yes," Sakura grins. "He got so mad, he swore on your blood to beat some sense into Neji."

"N-Naruto-kun c-cares about m-me?" Hinata stutters and promptly faints.

Ino and Sakura stare at Hinata for a few surprised seconds before calling a nurse to check that Hinata is alright. After putting Ino's flower in the vase with Sakura's, they leave to visit Lee.

Lee is unconscious, so they leave their daffodils in a vase on his bedside table and leave quietly.

As they are walking down the hospital corridors Sakura thinks very carefully. Finally, she comes to a firm decision. "I am going to become a medical ninja."

"Huh?" Ino sounds surprised.

"I will become the best medical ninja in the Land of Fire - no in the entire Elemental Nations," Sakura declares. "I will be so good, injuries like Lee's and Hinata's will be easy for me to heal. That is a promise."

Night has fallen. The moon is full. Sleep is far away.

And Shukaku is hungry for blood.

Gaara sits on a sculpted sand fish and stares up at the moon. There is no way he is even going to be able to relax tonight.

Dosu of the Sound approaches him.

"What do you want?" demands Gaara in a tired monotone.

"I came to kill you," Dosu says. "I was hoping to catch you napping, but since you're awake, let's fight properly. Then I will have a better chance of fighting that Uchiha boy in the finals."

Gaara wonders just how stupid Dosu is.

"I know how your sand works," boasts Dosu. "is it faster than my sound?"

Gaara honestly doesn't care. "He gets bloodthirsty during the full moon," Gaara comments conversationally.

"What are you?!" Dosu screams as Gaara gives in and lets Shukaku have a bit of fun with the annoying Sound genin.


	31. Climbing the Cliff of Life

Itachi watches, but they don't notice him. Gaara is too far away to notice him, plus he is having fun making a bloody mess with the Sound genin. Hayate is busy focusing on not getting caught by Kabuto and the jonin from the Sand. Kabuto and the Sand jounin - his name is Baki, or so Itachi's intelligence told him - are talking about the jinchuuriki, Gaara.

"Is it okay for him to kill that Sound genin?" Baki asks of Kabuto.

"It is fine," the former Root spy says.

"Wasn't he supposed to test that Uchiha boy's strength?"

"Oh, we don't need him for that anymore," Kabuto says grinning. "Gaara will test Sasuke's strength better than Dosu could have."

"So the plan is still going ahead?"

"Yes, the Leaf has no idea I'm a spy for the Sound. They haven't gotten wind of our alliance yet either."

"But if they do get wind of it, our plans to crush the leaf will be ruined."

 _This is all for show,_ Itachi realizes. _Once they are finished they will kill Hayate. And they know he will stay to the end to hear as much as he can._

"I heard you were Orochimaru's right hand man," Baki is saying. "Will he approve of you letting one of his subordinates die?"

"Dosu was no longer useful," Kabuto replies.

Itachi swirls in, grabs Hayate and swirls out, crows flying overhead.

"What was that?" Kabuto asks, looking up at the rooftop where Itachi is silhouetted against the sky. Because he is silhouetted, they cannot see Hayate, only Itachi's outline. Leaving Hayate where he cannot be seen, Itachi flies back down to where Baki and Kabuto are standing.

"Tell Orochimaru that Akatsuki knows of his plans," Itachi says, and vanishes from sight in a flock of crows. In the confusion, they do not see Hayate sneak away to report to the Hokage.

Itachi appears in the Hokage's presence at the same time Hayate does.

"Ah, Itachi," the Hokage smiles from behind his cup of tea and newspaper. "You are back. Any news? And hello, to you too, Hayate. What brings the two of you here at the same time?"

"I just saved him from being killed by associates of Orochimaru," says Itachi. "He overheard a staged conversation about how the Sound, assisted by the Sand will invade the destroy the Leaf. I have intelligence to prove that Orochimaru is behind the plot, and that he actually intends to kill you and kidnap my brother."

"I also discovered that Kabuto Yakushi is a spy for the Sound, and Orochimaru's right hand man," says Hayate, adding his two ryo worth.

"Interesting," the Hokage puts down his paper. "Am I right in assuming that Orochimaru is also the leader of the Hidden Sound?"

"Yes." Itachi keeps his answer short.

"That is troubling." the Hokage muses for a minute. "In that case, I would like to hire a protection detail made up of Akatsuki members who have a bone to pick with Orochimaru to weed him out and stop his attack."

"I will see to it personally," says Itachi. "Orochimaru is after my brother."

Sasuke is enjoying this exercise. It seems Kakashi can be an intense trainer when he wants to be. Unfortunately, if Sasuke makes one mistake, he will fall several hundred meters and potentially die. That's just one of the hazards of climbing up a cliff with one hand behind your back.

Kakashi is a few meters below Sasuke. He appears to be struggling a bit with the exercise. It seems he is a little out of shape.

Sasuke reaches the top of the cliff, which is their designated training ground. He climbs up and flops down on the rocks, panting. No wonder Kakashi could stop swords with his knuckles if he did this once a day on average. A shadow falls over Sasuke, and he opens his eyes.

Itachi is standing above him. "Hello little brother," Itachi says.

Sasuke tries to jump up and hug Itachi, only to be met with screaming muscles and explosions of pain in parts of his body he didn't know could feel pain.

"Don't try to move too fast," Itachi says, crouching down and patting Sasuke's forehead. "Your muscles are cramping up from not being stretched properly after the exercise."

"This is an insane exercise," says Sasuke. "But kinda fun."

"I used to jump off the cliff and slow my fall by stabbing the cliff-face with kunai," Itachi says. "This is a very useful cliff."

Itachi guides Sasuke through stretching his cramped muscles. By the time they are finished, Kakashi has climbed over the top of the cliff, panting ever so slightly. "Damn, I'm out of shape," Kakashi says. "That actually took effort."

"Now that Itachi's back, can I train with him instead of you?" Sasuke asks Kakashi hopefully.

"No. Itachi doesn't know the jutsu I'm going to teach you."

"And what jutsu is that, senpai?" Itachi asks respectfully.

"Chidori."

"148, 149, 150, done." Sakura halts her pushups and sits up. Standing slowly, she goes through her post-exercise stretches.

Tomorrow she would increase her push ups, sit ups and squats to 200 a day, her leg-kicks and punches to 100 and her skipping would increase to 1,000 jumps (consecutive or nonconsecutive).

But right now she had a haircut appointment to get to. She had to keep those split-ends under control after all. Having a quick shower to freshen up, she leaves the dojo and heads to the hairdressers. Once there she chats to her hairdresser about training, about the chunin exams, about the peace movement Akatsuki and the Hidden Rain are spreading.

But when the hairdresser asks, "Just the usual trim today?"

Sakura pauses for a moment then says, "Actually, I want to try having short hair again. Cut it in a chin length bob."

Sakura leaves the hairdresser's a while late, her head feeling strangely light. She goes for her evening run, her hair bouncing around her face. Tomorrow she will run another block or two. After stretching she heads home.

Strangely, she doesn't feel like showering again. She just wants to eat a hearty dinner and rest, maybe study some shinobi history or the medical books she brought as a precursor to learning medical ninjutsu.

"Tadaima!" Sakura calls as she arrives home.

As she is taking off her sandals, Sakura hears her mother call back, "Okaeri!"

Sakura's Dad emerges from some obscure part of the house and stops short when he sees the length of Sakura's hair. "What happened to your hair?" he yells pointing, a look of horror on his face.

Hearing the commotion, her Mum appears and takes a good look at the situation. "I think it looks nicer short," says Sakura's Mum.

* * *

 **Omake**

 **Should We Tell Him?**

 _Dedicated to_ _ **Blitzstrahl.**_ _I think you know why! - Cyrro._

"So what do you want to know about your brother?" asks Kakashi of Itachi in their obligatory parent-teacher meeting. Or in this case brother-teacher meeting.

"His progress, if he knows where babies come from, whether he still believes in cooties, how he's getting on with his team, that sort of thing," replies Itachi.

"Sasuke believes in cooties?"

"Yes, Shisui told him about them. Although it is possible someone disillusioned him."

"How do we tell without asking him?"

"Does he still wear a ton of deodorant and shy away from girls for no apparent reason?"

"Yes, actually, he does."

"Then he believes in cooties. What does he know of sex?"

"He asked me what it is and I had him read this passage."

"Ah, that is enough to stop him asking any more questions, but not enough to actually tell him anything useful. Did you tell him anything else?"

"Only that, yes people do that to each other, and it's usually only people who love each other who do it."

"Good. My father did not want Sasuke to know anything about sex until either he got married or he turned 35."

"So I take it we'll be keeping Sasuke innocent?"

"For as long as possible."


	32. Damned Kitsune

_Poof_. A tadpole appears.

"Another tadpole!" Pervy-Sage shouts. "Do you seriously have no talent for ninjutsu?"

"I invented sexy jutsu," Naruto grouses.

"Yes, but that and shadow clones are the only things you can do! You can't even summon a proper toad!"

"Are you saying just because it isn't fully grown it's not a proper toad? Does that mean you think I'm not a proper person because I'm still a kid?"

"NO! I just meant: why can't you summon something that would be useful in combat?"

"Are we even allowed summons in the final rounds?"

"No, but I don't care - I'm not taking the exams!"

"Isn't there a way I can contact the fox directly to get his chakra?"

Jiraiya falls silent.

"Well is there?" Naruto demands.

"Yes, but it's very dangerous," Jiraiya says.

"Teach me, I'm gonna have to learn it at some point anyway," Naruto orders firmly, much like he sees Iruka order Grandpa Hokage about.

"Alright, but if you mess up it isn't my fault," Jiraiya relents. He sits down cross legged on the ground. "Sit down like this," he instructs. "And focus your attention inwards. Close your eyes and enter your mind. Like when you take the icing off a cake and put it in the middle instead."

Naruto does so and finds himself in a dark, watery sewer. It doesn't smell, it is simply dark and wet and badly maintained. "My mind is a dump," he comments. "I wonder where the old fox is?" Naruto follows the sewer pipes to a large iron gate. Behind the gate it is dark.

"Hello? Anyone home?" Naruto calles.

Something stirs in the darkness. "What do you want?" growls a deep voice, which booms and echoes around the large chamber Naruto is in.

"Are you the Nine Tails?" Naruto asks.

"Yes," growls the voice. "I am the mighty Nine Tails."

"Sweet, I've come to the right place then," Naruto says, grinning. "So can you lend me some of your chakra so I can do this stupid jutsu and summon something other than the tadpoles I keep summoning?"

"Stupid brat!" growls the ninetails. "You keep summoning the same tadpole! That stupid Jiraiya should have realized that."

"The same toad?" Naruto is confused. "But each time I summon, the tadpole I summon is bigger!"

"Tadpoles grow, you idiot!"

"Oh, you're right. I should've thought of that." Naruto laughs at himself. "So why do I keep summoning the same tadpole anyway?" he asks.

"Why do I have to explain it to you?" demand the fox.

"Because Pervy-Sage is an idiot, and you're obviously a lot smarter than him."

"Flattery will get you nowhere."

Naruto pouts in the way that gets ramen off Iruka-nii every time.

"Fine, I'll tell you, but don't think that means I like you!" the fox caves faster than Iruka-nii. "When you sign a summoning contract with a group of animals, there will always be one that you are bonded to. You will be able to summon the others in the group of course, but that one will be the one you summon unless you deliberately aim to get one of the others. It is your summon. No one else will ever have the bond the two of you had." he sounds a bit wistful when he says this.

"Did you used to be a summon?" Naruto asks.

"Yes, but that's none of your business!" the fox snaps.

Naruto considers the information the fox has given him. "So you're saying that I'm summoning the same toad because I'm bonded to that toad? Will that toad grow up with me, then?"

"Most probably," says the fox. "Now can you leave me alone?"

"Not yet!" Naruto declares, pointing at the fox. "I need some chakra to summon a fully grown, giant toad! Please lend me some of yours!"

"And why would I do that?"

"Damn fox! You live in my body, and I want some rent out of you, so give me some of your chakra!"

"Fine, then," agrees the fox. A misty mass of red chakra floats through the giant gate and disappears into naruto's body.

"Thanks!" Naruto yells and leaves his mindscape.

Back in the outside world Naruto jumps up, bites his finger drawing blood, slams his hand on the ground and yells, "SUMMONING JUTSU!"

 _Boom._

A cloud of smoke envelops Naruto, and the ground beneath him trembles. When the ground stops shaking and the smoke clears, all Naruto can see below him is a vast field of bumpy red skin. As he takes this new _whatever it is_ in, Naruto makes out a blue shirt with a kanji on the back, a head, legs, a sword, and a pipe sticking out of a giant mouth.

"I did it!" Naruto shouts, jumping up and down on the toad's head.

"What the ####! Who the #### are you?" the toad shouts at Naruto. "Get the #### off my head!"

"Hey, I summoned you! You have to do what I say!" Naruto yells back.

"The #### I do!"

Naruto thinks fast, Flattery worked on the fox, didn't it? "Okay, you're a pretty huge, powerful toad, and I'd be honoured if you let me be your henchman," says Naruto meekly. "What can I do to convince you I'm worth to be your subordinate?"

"You wanna be my subordinate?" demands the toad. "Then stay on my head, for the rest of the ####ing day!"

"Sir, yes sir!" Naruto salutes. Then he pulls out his favourite orange rope and ties himself to the toad.

The toad then proceeds to attempt to shake Naruto off.

For the rest of the day.

By the time the day is out, Naruto has been thrown around so much he is about to pass out.

Finally the toad stops jumping around. "Fine, you can be my ####ing henchman!" the toad agrees. "But I'm gonna have words with that #### Jiraiya about letting you sign the ####ing contract without my approval!"

Sighing in happiness, Naruto unties his rope and slips off the toad's back. "Thanks, Toad-sama."

"My name is Gamabunta!"

As Naruto slips into unconsciousness, he realizes something. _In all this commotion, I totally forgot to ask_ your _name, Nine Tails._

 _It's Kurama._ The Nine Tails's voice resonates through Naruto's mind as he slips into total unconsciousness.


	33. A Fake Smile

Naruto wakes up to his stomach growling. Then the smell hits him.

"Aw, man, I'm in the Hospital, aren't I?" Naruto gronas.

"Yep, troublesome," Shikamaru is sitting on the visitor's chair beside the hospital bed.

"Oh, hey Shikamaru," says Naruto. "Do you know how long I've been in here for?"

"About three days," says Shikamaru, who is eating an apple from a rather large fruit basket. "I heard you were in here and swung by after visiting Choji. He's got indigestion, so he can't have the food I brought him. I thought you'd appreciate it."

"Oh, thanks, Shikamaru," Naruto is genuinely touched. No one ever really brought him gifts in the hospital before. But then again, the last time he was in was before he met Iruka-nii. He takes an apple and devours it. "So, why did you stick around until I woke up? I mean, what if I stayed out for ages?"

"I wanna know what Sasuke was talking about when he mentioned 'that hullabaloo with the Secret Archive, the ANBU and Danzo."

"Oh, that," Naruto shrugs. "I knocked out three ANBU, sneaked into the Secret S Rank File Archive, stole a couple of documents, found out about my parents and Sasuke's clan, and then me and my team yelled at the Hokage and scared Danzo out of the village. Oh, and I think Danzo is a pedo." he pauses and then adds nonchalantly, "So how is your training for the chunin exams going?"

"That...that's...I don't even know what to say to that," Shikamaru looks shocked. "And I've been training with my Dad."

"Cool, I've been training with my godfather, he's a bit stupid and a _lot_ pervy." Naruto continues to eat the fruit Shikamaru brought him. "So how's Lee doing?"

"Ino says she and Sakura paid him a visit but he was unconscious, so none us know, really." Shikamaru looks very grim. "But since you seem full of beans, maybe we should head around to his room and visit him."

"Sweet, let's go!" Naruto jumps up and runs into the hallway. Then he stops short and asks a little sheepishly, "So which way is Lee's room?"

"Troublesome," Shikamaru mutters, slouching out of the room with his hands in his pockets. "It's this way," he tells Naruto, leading him into a section of the hospital for intensive care patients.

"Please leave me alone," says a monotone voice from around a corner.

"As if," sneers a much older sounding voice. "You think you're so great, don't you?"

"Think you can show up out of nowhere and become a genin without any formal test or training." the sound of something being knocked to the floor accompanies this last remark.

Naruto and Shikamaru look at each other, a silent understanding passing between them. Together they run around the corner to see what is going on. Three of the Leaf genin who washed out of the chunin exams are crowded around a boy who is much smaller than them. The boy looks about their age and has black hair. He is kneeling on the ground gathering up a small pile of books.

One of the exam washouts - a sturdy-looking but rather dense teenager who had caved under the pressure of Ibiki - stoops and picks up one of the books.

"Hey, give that back!" the boy shouts, angry.

The teenager laughs cruelly, and tries to throw the book down the hallway. Unfortunately for him, he threw it towards Shikamaru and Naruto, who simply caught it.

"Leave this kid alone," says Shikamaru. "I know you are butthurt that you did not make it past the first stage of the chunin exams, but that is no reason to take it out on this kid."

"Oh, little losers who think they're big-shots, huh?" one of the other boys sneers.

It was about five seconds before all three teenage boys were hanging from the ceiling by their underwear. "Who're the losers now?" Naruto jeers, dusting off his hands.

"Let us down!"

"I don't think so," Naruto says, handing the black haired boy's book back to him. "Here's your book. What's your name? I'm Naruto and this is Shikamaru."

"I am called Sai," says the boy, smiling a rather fake looking smile. "Your help is appreciated, but I could have taken them. I was raised in Danzo's root training program."

"Danzo's a pussy," says Naruto dismissively. "So why are you at the Hospital, anyway?"

"I am visiting my brother," says Sai. "He has a terminal illness that the doctors say only the Sannin Tsunade could hope to cure."

"Oh," Naruto feels bad for the kid. "I hope someone finds Tsunade before it's too late to save your brother."

Sai smiles his fake smile again. "Thank you for your concern."

"You're a weirdo," Says Naruto. "I gotta go visit my friend Lee, see ya!" He runs off, and Shikamaru follows him. Before turning the corner, he turns to smile and wave at Sai. His new friend waves back.

They arrive at Lee's room a short while later.

Cold killing intent is radiating from the room. Naruto dashes inside to find Gaara standing over Lee's bed. With his hand above Lee's head and his sand slowly crawling around Lee's unconscious body, Gaara is obviously trying to kill Lee.

"Hey! Get away from him!" Naruto shouts.

"Shadow possession jutsu," mutters Shikamaru, casting his clan's signature jutsu and freezing Gaara in place.


	34. Sons of Kage

"Hey! What do you think you were trying to do to Bushy-Brows?" Naruto demands.

"I was trying to kill him," Gaara says in a monotone.

"What!" Naruto can't quite believe his ears.

"Why?" demands Shikamaru. "You already won your match agains him, do you have some sort of grudge against this guy or something?"

"No," says Gaara calmly. "I am going to kill him for no other reason than that I want to."

"WHAT?!" Naruto shouts, enraged and confused. "What sort of bastard are you?"

"He must've had a messed up childhood," mutters Shikamaru. "Look, it's two against one, leave quietly or we'll have to take you down."

"If you get in my way, I will kill you both," Gaara says like he is talking about the time of day.

 _Naruto,_ Kurama's voice booms through Naruto's mind. _This boy is a Jinchuriki. He can kill you easily unless you use my power._

 _Thank's for the heads-up,_ Says Naruto. _But I won't be needing your help this time. I wanna know why he's so messed up._ Aloud, Naruto says, "I won't be taken down by the likes of you!"

"Naruto, calm down," Shikamaru says making the 'stand down' gesture. "This guy has the strength of a monster!"

"So what?" snaps Naruto. "I have a real one inside me!" _No offence Kurama._

"Idiot! Stop trying to provoke him!" Shikamaru scolds.

"A monster, huh?" Gaara says. "Then you and I are the same. When I was born, I killed my mother because my father sealed the Tailed Beast Shukaku into me So I could become the ultimate Shinobi-"

"The word is 'Jinchuriki'," says Naruto. "My father made me one too, but that was because he had no other choice at the time. So we aren't all that different, you and I. but that doesn't explain why you feel the need to kill people for no real reason."

"I am the Kazegae's son," says Gaara. "And when I was young my father trained me, and I was spoiled and allowed to do as I pleased. But nobody cared about me or showed me any love except my uncle Yashamaru, who raised me. For a long time I thought he was my only friend: everyone else feared and hated me. Other children would run away screaming 'Monster!' whenever I tried to speak with them. My sand would move of its own accord and attack people: I could not control it. For this reason, when I was six years old, my father ordered Yashamaru to kill me, he failed and I killed him! He told me my mother never loved me and that my father wanted me dead!" Gaara's face twists into a grotesque smile. "For the last six years, since I was declared a danger to my village, my father has tried countless time to kill me!"

"What? Why?!" Naruto is horrified.

"I am too dangerous, too powerful," sneers Gaara. "I was supposed to be the village's secret weapon, but I am a failure, and failures are not tolerated in the Shinobi world! So I needed to find a reason to exist! And after I carved this kanji into my forehead I decided that my reason to live would be to kill others. That is why I must kill Rock Lee: to live you need a reason, or might as well be dead!"

"What the hell is he talking about?" mutters Shikamaru.

But Naruto can understand perfectly. He knows exactly where Gaara is coming from. He and Gaara are the same.

"To kill is the only thing that gives me any joy or satisfaction. So long as there are people left for me to kill I can go on living," Gaara continues, his face grave. "There is nothing I enjoy better than taking the life of another person. So long as I can kill my existence will not vanish!"

 _He's just like me,_ thinks Naruto, horrified. _Except I turned to pranks to gain attention. Then Iruka-nii noticed me. And now I have my team, and the other rookies seem to be my friends as well now. But he has no one. He had to find a reason to live on his own. Could I be just like him if my circumstances were even a little bit different?_

 _What are you thinking!_ Kurama scolds. _You are nothing like him! For one thing, you have ME, not my weak, whiny brother Shukaku! Stop reminiscing and show this kid what you're made of!_

 _You're awfully chatty,_ Naruto sniggers metally. He turns his attention back to Gaara. "That's a pretty messed-up reason to live!" Naruto tells Gaara.

"I don't care!" Gaara says manically. His sand rises up in waves around him, Shikamaru's jutsu is broken. "Let me feel alive!"

"Enough!" a voice calls out from the doorway. The three genin turn to see Might Guy standing in the doorway. "The finals are tomorrow, so unless you want to spend them in the hospital I'd advise you to stand down."

Gaara's entire demeanor changes. He holds his head and makes a sound much like a dying animal would make. Then he stalks out of the door. Before he leaves he turns and says, "I'll kill you guys, just you wait."

The next morning, Naruto heads training ground seven to gather his courage. He's going to need it for the exam. He will be fighting Neji first, and he has a sneaky suspicion he will need more than just pranks to fight the byakugan user.

To his surprise, Hinata is already at the training grounds. "Hey, Hinata!" he calls to her. "Are you all healed now?"

Hinata jumps in fright and hides behind the training post she is standing next to. "N-Naruto-kun!" she stammers out blushing. "Why are you here? Isn't today the finals?"

"Yeah, I know," says Naruto. "I wanted to come here to reminisce, since this the place where I became a Genin…" he trails off. "Hinata, Neji's a relative of yours, right?" He asks.

"Yes," she says, looking miserable.

"And he's really strong, isn't he?" Naruto says.

"Y-yes," Hinata stammers. Then she smile nervously at him. "But I know you can beat him!"

"Yeah!" Naruto cheers, feeling his confidence come flooding back. "I can beat ANBU, Neji will be no problem!"

Silence falls. Naruto can hear crickets chirping somewhere.

Blushing Hinata says, "Um, when you cheered for me, I felt stronger."

Naruto stares at Hinata is surprise.

"Um… I feel better about myself because you helped me feel strong," Hinata continues. "I might not seem different to you or anyone else, but I feel different. Thank you, Naruto-kun."

Naruto grins at Hinata. "I'm glad I could help!" then he looks down, feeling embarrassed. "But do you really believe I'm strong?" he asks. "I'm only really good at anything when I have help or I prank someone. I don't think my pranks will work very well against Neji, so I don't know how I'm gonna beat him if they don't!" He stares down at the ground. "When I can't prank, I'm the biggest failure…"

"That's not true!" Hinata interrupts. "Even when you fail, in my eyes, you are a proud failure! When I look at you I get an intense feeling in my heart, because you're not perfect," she looks down, nervously. "When you fail, you just get back up and try again, that's what makes you strong! That's why I know you can beat Neji: you will find a way!"

"Thanks, Hinata!" Naruto says. "You cheered me up. You know, you're a weirdo, but I like you! See ya!" as he is leaving he calls back, "You better come watch me kick Neji's ass!"

* * *

 **Omake**

 **What a Weirdo.**

 _This omake is dedicated to all those who want longer chapters. Fugaku says, "Fact Of Life: you are not getting longer chapters."_

Kushina runs after the boy who just called her ugly, hair flying around her head, chakra flared up. She knocks over the weird blonde boy who is always staring at her when she isn't looking. Tripping and falling over, she loses sight of the other little punk she was chasing.

"Now see what you've done!" says Kushina angrily to the Pansy Blonde Boy. "I lost track of that little punk because of you!"

"H-h-h-he w-went th-th-that w-w-way!" stammers out the blonde boy, blushing and pointing nervously to the left hand corridor.

Kushina turns and runs after her prey. Needless to say, he doesn't escape.

Much later, at Ichiraku's Ramen, Kushina meets the blonde boy again. He is shoveling down ramen by the bowlful. "Oh, hi weirdo," she says, and plonks herself down on the chair farthest from him.

"H-hi, Ku-ku-kushi-shina," stammers out the boy.

Kushina orders her ramen (four bowls to start with) and starts to shovel it down.

"Di-di-di-d-d-" it takes Kushina a moment to realize the blonde boy is trying to talk to her.

"What?" she demands. "Spit it out!"

"D-did y-y-you c-c-c-catch h-him?" the boy stammers, blushing.

"Yeah, and I beat him to a pulp, dattebane!" crows Kushina. "Ichiraku-sama, Imma need another bowl!"


	35. To Prank or Not to Prank

"Face the crowd proudly, kids," says Hayate. "You're the show's main attraction after all."

The chunin exam finalists are gathered in the centre of a large arena. Hundreds of people are filing in, filling up the seats. Naruto looks up at the crowd feeling intimidated. At least he won't be alone down in the arena while he's facing Neji. Kurama might be a grumpy old coot, but at least they are on speaking terms.

"So, you all remember the rules from the prelims?" Hayate drones and lets out a speel of coughs. "Good. The rules are the same: last one standing wins unless someone forfeits or I stop the match." He pulls out a sheet of paper. "Take a good look at this. This is your new - _cough, cough_ \- arrangement for the finals."

"So where's Dosu?" Naruto asks. "I get that Sasuke's running late, but how come Dosu's gone? Did he withdraw?"

"He's dead." _Cough, cough._

"Waaa?" Naruto cannot contain his surprise.

"Okay, the first match is Neji VS Naruto, so you two stay here. The rest of you get your little butts to the waiting room," Hayate continues as if a person being dead is an everyday occurrence for him.

"Where is Sasuke?" Sakura frets, looking around. "He should be here by now."

"Why don't you just stop worrying about Sasuke and cheer on Naruto?" asks Ino.

"I can do both," she says, then sees a familiar figure. "Hey! Karin! Nagato-sama!" she wakes them over. "There's room over here!"

"Hey, Sakura!" Karin runs down to her. Behind her, a beautiful woman with an origami flower in her hair pushes Nagato's wheelchair over to where Sakura and Ino are sitting. "This is Konan-sama. She's Nagato-tousan's right hand woman and she's been training me. Konan-sama, this is Sakura."

"Hello, Nagato-sama, Konan-sama," replies Sakura. "This my best friend Ino. Ino, Nagato and Karin are Naruto's cousins."

"Hello," says Ino.

Karin sits down next to Sakura, and Konan sits down next to Karin. "So, where's Sasuke? I thought he made it to the finals, shouldn't he be here?"

"He's running late," says Sakura.

"And here I thought he'd want to watch Naruto kick the Hyuuga's ass," says Karin, grinning. "This is gonna be good."

"The match appears to be starting," says Konan-sama.

Sakura turns her attention to the arena. Neji and Naruto are facing off.

"Neji Hyuuga VS Naruto Uzumaki!" declares Hayate, his voice carrying to every corner of the stadium. "Begin!"

Naruto assumes his taijutsu stance.

"What is he doing?" Sakura hisses. "He should prank the blighter and be done with it!"

"So you are going to fight me then?" Neji smiles.

"I have something I need to show you," says Naruto. He runs at Neji, who simply counters him with his gentle fist, sending Naruto to the ground. Naruto continues in this fashion for a minute or two, then makes some 20-odd shadow clones and attacks Neji with them instead.

"No, no! What are you doing! You can't fight him like that!" Sakura shouts down to Naruto. "Prank the bastard!"

"Not, this time, Sakura," Naruto calls back seriously.

Sakura watches in horror as Naruto lets Neji beat him into the ground, over and over again. "Aren't you going to fight me?" Neji shouts, frustrated. "I heard you took down ANBU black ops, made the Demon of the Hidden Mist cry and earned the name 'The Orange Terror! What happened to all that strength?"

"Strength?" Naruto asks, smiling as he picks himself up off the ground. "I made Zabuza cry be reminding him what it means to be human. I beat those ANBU and earned my name by pranking them. This is what I wanted to show you: without my pranks I am a loser. Just an average grade genin with big dreams. I can't hope to even stand up to my own teammates on my own power, unless I prank them."

Neji's face turns to an expression of horror. "What do you mean, you are nothing? There's no way someone as powerful as you could be a loser!"

"But I am a loser, and I always will be. And you know what? I am PROUD that I am a loser!" Naruto's shouts ring across the arena. "I changed my destiny by discovering my hidden potential: the potential I have to be a master of Infiltration and Espionage. I am the son of the Fourth Hokage who was hailed as a genius. But I am nothing but a loser in my own right. I am not defined by the fate I was designated at birth: I will rise above that. The fate of a shinobi is conflict, but I will change the world! If there is such a thing as true peace in this world I will find it! I will change destiny!"

"LIAR!" Neji shouts. "No one can change destiny!"

"WHAT MAKES YOU BELIEVE THAT, IT'S LIKE YOU'VE GIVEN UP HOPE!"

 _Cough, cough._

Sakura spins around, looking for the source of the desperate-sounding cough. She sees Hinata sitting a few rows away with Kiba and Akamaru. "Excuse me, she says to Karin. "My friend over there is not well, I need to check she is alright. She probably shouldn't be out of the hospital."

"I'll come with you," says Karin. "I'm a medic."

"YOU KNOW NOTHING!" Neji is screaming from the arena. "Eight trigrams! Two palms…"

Sakura and Karin make their way over to Hinata, who is now doubled over with coughing.

"Hinata!" Kiba shouts.

"...Eight palms, 16 palms…." Neji continues to batter Naruto in anger.

Hinata falls to the ground.

Karin runs forward and shoves her wrist into Hinata's mouth, "Bite down, hard!"

"...32 palms…"

Hinata bites.

"...Eight Trigrams 64 palms!"

Karin screams.

Naruto goes flying across the arena.


	36. Uzumaki is the Greatest Clan

Naruto pulls himself to his feet. "I understand Neji. There is pain in your heart," he says, smiling sadly. "Share it with me. Tell me why you believe in fate so strongly. Tell me why you ridiculed Hinata so cruelly. Tell me what happened to you Neji."

"Fine if it is so important to you to know, I will tell you the Hyuuga clan's Destiny of Hatred," says Neji. "The Hyuuga family had a jutsu which has been passed down through the main family. It is a curse-seal." He reaches up and takes off his headband, revealing a mark on his forehead. "This is the symbol of the Caged Bird, given to those with an inescapable I was four years old, I was marked as a member of the branch family and sealed with this mark.

"On that day, a visitor from the Hidden Cloud came to the Hidden Leaf to sign a peace treaty. All the clans attended except one: the Hyuuga clan. On that day, the heir of the main house, my cousin Hinata, turned three years old. My father, Hizashi, and Hinata's father, Hiashi, were identical twins. Because my father was born second he was marked with the curse seal, while his brother became the clan head.

"On her birthday, I became a member of the branch house and was marked with the Caged Bird Seal. The reason for this was because I was to be her bodyguard from that day forward and protect her from harm.

"But the seal can also be used to harm the bearer - a device used by the main house to control any branch members that step out of line. The seal can also kill the bearer, or destroy their mind if the main house wishes. And if the bearer dies, their byakugan will be sealed away and the seal will vanish along with it.

"The seal is meant to protect the byakugan from people who would wish to steal its secrets. On that day, something else happened. The man who came from the lightning to sign the peace treaty tried to kidnap Hinata for her byakugan. Hiashi-sama discovered and killed him. The man had been after the byakugan from the start.

"The Cloud accused the Leaf of breaking the alliance, and the Leaf and Cloud almost came to war. In an attempt to prevent the war, the Leaf and cloud made a deal: since the Cloud was after the byakugan, the Leaf was to give them the corpse of Hiashi Hyuga. The Leaf agreed to their wishes and war was avoided.

"But they didn't send Hiashi-sama!" Neji shouts. "The main family sent my father in his place!" then Neji sniggers. "To escape this curse there is no method but death. They were twins: their strength was equal. But their fates were decided by which one was born first, and which was born second. No one can escape the fate they were born with unless they die!"

"Really?" Naruto asks. "You know, you aren't the only one with a seal that decides your fate." _Come on, Kurama. Let's beat this guy. Give me some of your chakra and heal my injuries! Please._ Naruto lifts up his jacket and shirt, showing the eight-trigrams seal on his stomach. "This is my seal," he says, grinning as Kurama's chakra fills his body and heals him. "Inside it is the Nine Tailed Fox. My mother came to the Leaf from the Whirlpool just to be its container, and when she died, the lil' furball was passed on to me. I keep you all safe every second I hold him inside me. My fate is to be hated and feared and scorned like every other jinchuriki. But I will beat it. I will become the Hokage, and I will prove that the Tailed Beasts are not just monsters to be used for human gain! Let's kick his ass, Kurama!"

Laughter fills Naruto's mind. It takes him a moment to realize it is the fox laughing. They jump forward and punch Neji upside the jaw. Neji flies up into the air and comes crashing back down, landing in a crumpled heap. Naruto stalks towards Neji. "I accepted what I am; that is what gave me the courage to change my fate. I failed the Academy graduation three times because I couldn't do a simple clone jutsu. Now shadow clones are my best jutsu. I am a loser: you're a spine and face who and what you are, then change what you can before you change what it seems like you can't."

Naruto watches as Neji's eyes close.

Sakura stares as the colour come back to Hinata's cheeks. Karin first scream was only a short one from the pain of Hinata biting her wrist. Now she sits calmly as Hinata's teeth sink into her flesh.

Kiba is staring at Karin. "Who are you?" he demands.

"Karin Uzumaki," says Karin. "Of the Hidden Rain."

"She's Naruto's cousin," adds Sakura. "What is that power?"

"This is the power I inherited from my mother: a power of the Uzumaki clan," says Karin. "My chakra is going into her body and healing her."

"This is the power the Grass held you captive for?" Sakura guesses, askance.

Karin nods. "Only a few members of the clan had it though," she says. "It's actually a miracle anyone with it survived the destruction of the Whirlpool."

Hinata pulls away from Karin. "Th-thank you, Karin-san," she stammers out.

"You're welcome!" says Karin. "If you're a friend of Team Seven you're a friend of mine!"

Down in the arena, Naruto is giving Neji a thorough talking-to.

"Is Naruto-kun winning?" Hinata asks.

Then Hayate shouts, "Winner: Naruto Uzumaki!"

Karin jumps up and cheers, "Go the Uzumaki clan! We're the greatest!"

Applause and cheers fill the stadium.

Sakura looks down into the arena to see Naruto standing next to a prone Neji. as she looks she sees Naruto look up at the crowd. He smiles and waves and after making sure the medics are taking care of Neji, he runs out of the arena into the contestants' area.

"That idiot," she says, shaking her head.

"Where is Sasuke?" asks a voice behind her.

"Itachi!" Karin shouts. "You're here too!"

"Yes," says Itachi.

Sakura turns and says, "As far as I know, Sasuke is still training with Kakashi sensei."

"That will never do," says Itachi. "I had better fetch him. But first, I will tell Hokage-sama to continue with the match after Sasuke's while you all wait."

"Okay," says Sakura. "But please hurry before they disqualify him."

Itachi nods and disperses in a flock of cawing crows. The crows fly over to the Hokage and Itachi reappears, whispers something to him and disperses again.

One of the Hokage's guards shunshins into the arena, and whispers in Hayate's ear, then shunshins back up to the Hokage.

"Who was that guy?" demand Kiba.

"Oh, that's just Sasuke's big brother Itachi," says Sakura. "He used to be in ANBU, now he's in Akatsuki."

"He's pretty cool," says Karin. "I met him just after we arrived for the final round."


	37. Lazy Slackers

"Because the Copy Ninja is making Sasuke Uchiha run late," announces Hayate, "The Hokage has decided to allow a little extra time for him to arrive by rescheduling the matches." Hayate choughs for a bit then continues. "The next match will be Shino Aburame VS Kankuro!"

"I forfeit!" yells Kankuro.

"Coward!" yells Naruto.

"Fine, next match!" Hayate says, put out. "Why did I even bother coming up with this arrangement?" he mutters. "Shino Aburame is the winner of the second match!

"Next match: Temari VS Shikamaru Nara!"

"But I don't wanna!" Mumbles Shikamaru.

"You are not forfeiting as well!" Naruto shouts and pushes Shikamaru into the arena. "Fight the sand woman, damn it!"

"Troublesome…" Shikamaru doesn't even bother to stand up.

Temari flies down into the arena on her fan. "Let's do this!"

"Begin!" yells Hayate. He's probably scared that Shikamaru will quit.

"Come on, Shikamaru! Get off you ass and fight!" Naruto yells.

Shikamaru continues to lie on the ground unmoving.

The audience starts to jeer and throw things at him.

"Don't tell me you're gonna quit as well," sneers Temari. "Boys are such a pain."

"Kick his ass Temari!" Sakura shouts.

"Will do," Temari calls back to her new friend. "Just as soon as he gets off it."

"Aw, this is troublesome," groans Shikamaru. "I suppose I should probably fight, shouldn't I?"

"Get off that lazy butt of yours and fight me!" Temari yells, charging at her lazy opponent. She slams her fan down on the place where he is lying, only to find him gone. "Well, he's certainly not slow at running away."

From the trees nearby, Shikamaru's voice says, "I suppose I shouldn't let myself get beaten by a girl."

"What was that!?" Temari spins to face him and sends her favourite jutsu at him: a blast of wind from her giant fan. Temari thinks fast. He's probably trying to lure her close to the shadows so he can use his shadow possession on her. Well she isn't going to fall for it.

Then, Shikamaru kneels down on one leg, puts his fingers together like an old man does when he's thinking, and closes his eyes. What the hell? Cautiously, she starts to back away. What is he playing at?

The crowd is silent.

Temari doesn't know how to respond. He isn't making a hand sign, so what is he doing? Is he just thinking? In that case… Temari sends another blast of air at Shikamaru in an attempt to break his concentration.

A shadow burst out from underneath the dust her jutsu stirred up and snakes towards her. Temari beats a hasty retreat. The shadow gives chase. Then it stops suddenly and wobbles.

"It seems your jutsu has a limit, and now I know what it is," Temari grins. This match would be a piece of cake to win.

"He, he, you got me,"Shikamaru laughs nervously.

"Temari! Above you!" Kankuro's shout reaches Temari's ears, just as a shadow falls over her. She looks up to see Shikamaru's jacket - how did she not notice he isn't wearing it anymore? - floating above her, having been turned into a parachute by his headband and a kunai. Temaru jumps away, and the shadow chases her. She continues to back away, further and further from Shikamaru. Then the jacket-parachute falls to the ground and the jutsu fails.

Grinning in triumph, Temari flings another wind scythe jutsu at him.

A split second later, she is frozen in place. "Shadow Possession jutsu, complete," says Shikamaru from behind her. At the same time, the Shikamaru in front of her disappears, leaving behind a log.

"What?" Temari says, confused. "When did you…?"

"When you cast your jutsu you closed your eyes for a split second," says Shikamaru, grinning. "Just enough time for me to pull off a substitution." then he yawns. "Okay, I give up."

"What did you just say?"

"I said I give up. I don't have enough chakra left to go on, plus I never wanted to do this in the first place."

"The winner is Temari!" announces Hayate. "Seriously, though, what is wrong with the exams this time?" he mutters to himself.

Itachi appears at the training ground.

"Itachi!" Sasuke smiles at his brother. "How late is sensei making me?"

"Late enough to get you disqualified," says Itachi. "But I asked the Hokage to have the next match while I fetched you."

"Thanks," says Sasuke. "WAA!"

Itachi scoops up Sasuke and, carrying him under his arm, shunshins to the arena. "One Sasuke Uchiha, as ordered," says Itachi, dumping Sasuke at Sakura, Karin and Ino's feet.

Damn. He isn't wearing cootie repellent.

"Thank goodness you made it!" Sakura exclaims, trying to hug Sasuke. "Kankuro forfeited, so now Temari and Shikamaru are having their match." She tries to hug Sasuke, but he dives out of the way.

"I should get to the competitors' waiting area," he says and scoots off as fast as he can. That was a close call. Since Temari and Shikamaru are still fighting - if you can call what they are doing fighting - Sasuke has time to duck into the boys toilets and spray himself with a heavy dose of cootie repellent.

He then heads calmly out to the spectators' waiting area.

"Sasuke, you made it!" Naruto yells, jumping Sasuke. "Shikamaru forfeited, so now it's your turn." He drags Sasuke down into the arena.

Down in the arena, Temari is stalking out of the arena, her head in the air. She stops when she sees Sasuke. "If you kill my little brother, you are dead, Uchiha." then she stalks away.

Shikamaru is lazily dawdling in the general direction of the arena gate.

"What was that, Shikamaru, you coward?" Naruto demands. Then turning to Hayate, "We managed to rescue Sasuke from the chronically tardy Kakashi-sensei." he lets Sasuke go and drags Shikamaru out of the arena.

A few seconds later, Gaara emerges.

"Now the match you've all been waiting for!" Hayate announces. "Gaara VS Sasuke Uchiha!"

* * *

 **Omake**

 **At Least Fugaku Will Be Happy With The Situation.**

 **AN:** _this omake is dedicated to SilentAqua, who firmly stated after 'Cooties Part Two' that someone needs to tell Sasuke that cooties don't exist._

Sasuke is listening to his daughter tell him about her day. "...and then Boruto was all like 'ew cooties! Get them off me!' and I told him firmly 'Boruto, cooties aren't real. Everyone knows that.' and he was all like 'You're no fun to tease' and-"

"What did you just say?" interrupts Sasuke.

"Boruto said I'm not fun to tease?"

"No before that."

"Cooties aren't real?"

Sasuke stares at his daughter. "Are you telling me I lived my entire childhood in fear of cooties and they aren't even real?"

"Um, Daddy, do you still believe in cooties?" Sarada looks horrified.

"Not anymore," says Sasuke, crestfallen. Shisui lied to him? "Are you sure? Absolutely sure that cooties aren't real?"

"Cooties are just a joke that kids use to tease and scare each other." Sighs Sarada.

His mind thoroughly blown, Sasuke faints.

"Mummy!" Sarada yells out. "Daddy just fainted!"

Sarada's Mummy runs into the room. "Did you blow his mind?" she asks, after seeing the expression on Daddy's face.

"I think so," says Sarada. "I told him that cooties aren't real."

"What other holes are there in his education?" wonders Mummy.

"What do you mean?" asks Sarada.

"Yesterday, I told him where babies come from."

Sarada stands up. "I'm going to have _words_ with Uncle Itachi." Sarada stomps off to the park, where Uncle Itachi and Uncle Kakashi are playing shogi.

"Hello Sarada," says Uncle Itachi. "What's up?'

Sarada crosses her arms. "Today, I told my own father that cooties aren't real. Yesterday, Mummy told Daddy where babies come from. Why have you neglected to tell my Daddy these things?" she demands, tapping her foot.

Uncle Kakashi stares at her, then at Uncle Itachi.

Uncle Itachi facepalms. "So THAT'S what we forgot to tell him!"


	38. Lightning VS Sand

Itachi is not surprised when an annoyed Kakashi Hatake appears next to him. "I wasn't finished with that!" Kakashi complains.

"I don't want my brother to be disqualified because you like to copy Obito," says Itachi. "You missed Naruto's match. He can call on the fox's power now."

"Whaaa…?" Kakashi's face, well mask, adopts a very shocked expression. "But that's not what Jiraiya was supposed to teach him!"

"Jiraiya sensei's in town?" asks Nagato from his wheelchair.

"Yes," says Itachi, and shrugs.

"Ah, I see, Iruka manipulated him into training Naruto," Nagato nods. "An impressive shinobi, that Iruka."

Itachi shrugs.

"He was your mother's apprentice? You don't say!"

Itachi shrugs again.

"That makes sense."

"Kakashi sensei!" Naruto shouts, running towards him with Shikamaru following close behind. "You need to stop this match!"

"No, I don't," Kakashi says firmly.

"But Kurama says that Shukaku is antsier than usual and he could break free at any moment! The sharingan can control a tailed beast, but Sasuke doesn't know that! You have to get him out of there!"

"Who's Kurama? And who's Shukaku?" asks Kakashi.

"Oh, I guess you don't know," Naruto scratches his head sheepishly. "Kurama is the Nine Tails, and Shukaku is the One Tails - he's sealed into Gaara."

"Do not worry, Naruto," says Itachi. "I will step in if the One Tail gets out of hand."

"Okay, I guess that's okay," says Naruto.

"Huh?" Shikamaru turns his attention to Itachi. "Who are you?"

"I am Itachi Uchiha," Itachi introduces himself. "I am Sasuke's brother."

"Oh, well, it's nice to meet you I suppose."

"Oh, yeah, Shikamaru, you haven't met my cousins!" Naruto says, pulling Shikamaru over to Nagato and Karin. "This is Nagato, and this is Karin. Oh and this is Konan. Hey Konan."

"Hello Naruto," says Konan calmly.

"Troublesome Uzumaki," says Shikamaru.

"NARUTO!" Karin hugs him. "Your match was so great!"

"Guys can we watch Sasuke's match already?" snaps Ino.

They turn to the arena. Sasuke has run up the side of the arena wall and is making hand signs.

"You didn't teach him that, Kakashi!" says the unmistakable voice of Might Guy. "It's dangerous!"

"Says the guy who taught his student the Eight Inner Gates," returns Kakashi, flippantly.

Itachi turns to look at this new arrival, only to see... "When did you clone yourself, Gai-senpai?"

"I am Rock Lee!" declares the clone. "I am not Gai-sensei's clone, I am his student." His face falls. "Or at least I was."

"You can join my club for crippled Ninjas," says Nagato sympathetically.

Meanwhile in the arena, Sasuke is making a perfect Chidori.

"But I am only a Genin!"

"That's okay, I can see you have plenty of you-"

"Don't say that word in front of the bushy-browed ones, Nagato-niisan!"

Gaara's sand is forming a perfect sphere around him. An eye appears above the sphere.

"What's wrong with youthful enthusiasm?"

"YOU BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF YOUTH! Here, have this beautiful bodysuit, designed to bring out all you best features!"

"Nagato-touchan, if you even think about _touching_ that, I will burn it."

"What's wrong with it, Karin-chan?"

Sasuke shoots forward, the chidori chirping.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN? IT'S HIDEOUS!"

"It's not as bad as the toad outfits Jiraiya sensei made us wear."

"Thank you Konan! See, she doesn't think it's awful!"

Sasuke's chidori pierces Gaara's sand shield. Dead silence fills the arena. There is a hush in the crowd, finally stopping the argument over the green spandex.

Then Gaara's voice screams: "BLOOD! MY BLOOD! I CAN FEEL PAIN!"

The people around Kakashi start to fall asleep. "Kai!" he releases the genjutsu, seeing the other shinobi around him do the same. The genin fall prey to the genjutsu, however. All except Sakura that is. There is something different about her, but he can't quite place it.

Gaara's sand shield has completely dissolved now, but he appears to have fallen prey to the genjutsu. His siblings are jumping down into the arena. At the same time a bomb goes off in the Kage seating area.

Itachi is down in the ring with Sasuke.

Gai is moving Lee into a seat.

Konan has sprouted paper wings and is protecting Nagato and Karin with a paper shield.

ANBU imposters leap forward, attacking the Leaf Shinobi.

Kakashi and Gai move to help.

The Kazekage has the Hokage held at knife point. They are on the roof, backing away from the ANBU who are slowly creeping towards them. Four Sound ninjas erect a barrier around themselves and the two Kages.


	39. The Worst Punishment of All

Gaara's siblings and jounin sensei join Sasuke, Itachi, Gaara and Hayate in the arena. "Gaara, the plan!" says the Sand jounin.

But Gaara is on the ground, holding his head and moaning in pain.

"Damn it! He tried to transform too early!" Temari says frantically.

"What do we do now?" asks Kankuro.

"Get him out of here!" snaps their sensei. The Sand Siblings follow his orders promptly. The sensei disappears out of the arena.

Sasuke turns to Hayate. "What should I do?" he asks, trying to sound professional, rather than confused.

"Go after them, little brother," says Itachi. "I will ensure assistance is sent."

"Yes, Itachi!" Sasuke heads after the Sand siblings.

"Kakashi senpai!" Itachi yells - he can yell? Sakura is amazed - from across the arena. "Sasuke is headed after the Sand genins. Send him some back up!"

A second later, Kakashi sensei appears next to Sakura. "Sakura, I want you to get Naruto and Shikamaru and go after Sasuke. But first: Summoning jutsu!" he summons a little pug dog. "This is Pakkun. Take him with you." to the dog he says, "Be nice to my genin, Pakkun."

"Yo," says Pakkun. "You use the same conditioner as me."

"Um, okay," Sakura isn't sure what to make of that. "Let's wake up these losers." she bends down and releases the genjutsu on Naruto.

He sits up mumbling something about ramen and Hinata with long hair. "That was a nice dream," he tells Sakura. "Hinata had long hair and ate like 30 bowls of ramen. It was epic."

"Um…" once again, Sakura doesn't know what to say.

"This boy is still awake!" Pakkun growls.

"Where did you come from?" Naruto yells, surprised.

"Kakashi sensei summoned him," says Sakura. Then she hits Shikamaru. "Get off your lazy but! We have orders to give Sasuke back up!"

"Why what's Sasuke-teme doing?" asks Naruto.

"Troublesome," mutters Shikamaru.

"The Sand siblings fled the village: he's gone after them," explains Sakura. "We have to help him capture them and bring them back to the village before they get away."

"Right!" Naruto salutes. "It's prank time!"

The group sets off in the general direction of where Sasuke and the Sand siblings went. They catch up with Sasuke a few seconds later.

"So you guys are my backup?" He says when they pull up alongside him. "Good, we need to get this done quickly."

They catch up with the sand siblings in the vast forest surrounding the village.

"Take Gaara: I'll slow these guys down!" Temari tells Kankuro.

"Okay," Kankuro says, taking over the carrying of his brother and disappearing into the trees.

I got this guys," says Naruto. Then he pranks Temari, being careful not to offend her feminine sense of dignity (he accidently offended a girl's feminine sense of dignity once. ONCE.) By the time he is finished with her, Temari is covered in flower petals, tied up with his second-favourite blue rope and soaked in purple paint, to which the flower petals are sticking happily. "Watch Temari for us, Shikamaru. And no napping!"

"Troublesome…" Complains Shikamaru and sinks to the ground next to Temari.

"Let's move out," Sasuke orders, leading his team and Pakkun after Kankuro.

The catch up to Kakuro fairly quickly. "Get out of here, Gaara," Kankuro tells his brother. Gaara scoots off, and Kankuro attempts to hold his ground.

Emphasis on the attempt. It was a good attempt, too. Unfortunately it was only an attempt. It didn't prevent him from being doused in glue and covered with cat fur then stuck in fake cat ears and a fake tail. Nor did his attempt to stand his ground stop Naruto from tying him up in a net made of puppets. All the same, he made an effort, and the effort is what counts, right?

Naruto continues on with Sasuke, leaving Sakura and Pakkun to guard Kankuro.

"What do we do about Gaara?" asks Sasuke. "He flipped out when I drew blood. Any idea what's wrong with him?"

"He's a jinchuriki like me," says Naruto. "But unlike me he doesn't have anyone who loves him, or taught him how to love. He's what I could've been if I didn't have Iruka-nii and you guys."

"That's a scary thought," says Sasuke. "But what do you mean, no one loves him? I think it's obvious his siblings do. I mean they know what you can do and they still tried to buy him time to escape just now. And you heard Temari before my match, right? She made it clear she would never forgive me if I hurt her little brother."

Naruto considers this. "You know, I think it's about time someone pointed out to Gaara that what he needed all this time was living in the same house as him leaving undies in weird places and complaining about his sand."

They can see Gaara up ahead now. "Sasuke, I want you to stay out of this fight."

"Why?" demands Sasuke.

"Because he is like me, so this is my fight," says Naruto gravely. "If I need you, I'm counting on you to be there, but otherwise stay out of it and don't let anyone interfere."

"Alright," Sasuke nods and lands on a tree branch, ready to watch the fight.

Itachi heads towards the barrier around the Hokage and the Kazekage. Actually, no. That's Orochimaru. Of course it's Orochimaru.

Itachi strides up to one of the Sound nins holding up the barrier. Then he casts his Tsukuyomi on the unfortunate genin. He falls over in a dead faint. 72 hours listening to a three year old Sasuke singing 'Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes' will have that effect. The barrier fails and the assembled ANBU jump on the other three Sound ninjas.

Itachi strides up to Orochimaru. "What's this I hear about you wanting Sasuke's young, beautiful body?" he demands. "So I refuse you and you go after my little brother? You pedophile!"

Orochimaru does the smart thing and gets the heck out of the Hidden Leaf before Itachi can cast his Tsukuyomi.

 **Omake**

 **That's a Lot of Ramen. (Also could be called 'What Naruto Saw in the Genjutsu')**

 _Dedicated to_ _ **jankitty13**_ _for figuring out that the tadpole is Gamakichi._

Naruto is sitting at Ichiraku Ramen eating his second bowl. Soon he will order his third bowl.

Hinata arrives and sits down. But there is something odd about her.

Her hair is long. Like really long. Waist length, in fact. It looks nice.

"Hi Hinata!" Naruto greets her. "I like your hair."

"T-thanks, Na-Naruto," says Hinata. Then she orders "T-the usual."

As Naruto is savoring his fourth bowl, he looks over to Hinata to see how she is going. She has five bowls stacked beside her, and a fourth on the go. Her stack of bowls is perfectly tidy, and there is not a single spill on her face or clothes or the counter around her.

"Wow, Hinata," says Naruto. "I didn't know you ate a decent amount of ramen!"

"O-oh. Um…" Hinata blushes. "I'm just ge-getting st-started!"

"Cool!" says Naruto, and goes back to his ramen.

By the time he is on his sixth bowl, Hinata is onto her 16th. By the time he is finished eating his ten bowls, Hinata has downed 29, and is politely consuming her 30th.

"Hinata," says Naruto in awe. "I think you might be the most perfect girl alive, dattebayo."

Hinata blushes bright red and faints.


	40. Papabear Shukaku

_**AN: SO it's Ignus again and I'm here to tell you that this chapter is the last chapter of Part One.**_

 _ **However, don't worry; it may be the end but it's not THE end. So stay tuned for Part Two of this series, which is called 'Senseless Doneness'. Chapter One will be released some time in the next 24 hours. I hope you enjoy this final chapter, and Cyrro and I hope to see you in Part Two. Ignus out.**_

* * *

Gaara sees Naruto step out of the trees.

"Gaara!" Naruto challenges. "This fight will be you and me and our Bijuu - and my summons." he bites his thumb. "Summoning jutsu!"

A small toad appears.

"Hey, you aren't a tadpole anymore!" Naruto says. "But I was trying to summon Gamabunta."

"Do you have any snacks?" asks the toad. "Gamabunta's my Dad - I'm Gamakichi."

Gaara facepalms. "If you must fight me, at least summon a decent toad."

"Hey, don't dis my bonded summon!" Naruto snaps back. "I forgot I need Kurama's help to summon the big toads."

Gaara feels a strong desire to bang his head against a wall. There are no walls around, so he makes do with a rather hard tree.

 _Just smash him to pieces!_ Roars Shukaku.

 _Okay,_ agrees Gaara. For once he feels no blood lust, just frustration. He sends his sand at Naruto and the little toad.

Naruto yelps, scoops up the toad and jumps out of the way. Then Naruto tries to prank Gaara.

Tries.

The pranks don't make it past the sand.

"Damn it!" Naruto yells.

"My dad would say #### it!" adds the toad.

"Your Dad!" Naruto facepalms. Then summons a toad the size of a bijuu.

"The #### is going on here?" demands the Toad.

 _That's a nice mouth that toad's got,_ comments Shukaku. _Let me out: I don't want him swearing like that in front of my little jinchuuriki!_

 _Alright,_ agrees Gaara. _But since when did you care about me?_

 _Stupid human,_ mutters Shukaku, dismissing the question.

Gaara lets Shukaku out and they beat up the toad for a bit, Shukaku yelling, "Don't you dare use that kind of language in front of my jinchuuriki!". Then the toad turns into the Nine Tailed fox. Naruto manages to jump onto Shukaku's head and breaks the jutsu by head butting Gaara. The Sand never saw it coming.

Next thing Gaara knows, the toads are gone and he is tied up in an orange rope and is wearing a pair of fake raccoon ears, a fake raccoon tail and a lot of leaves. "I need to have a very serious talk with you," says Naruo, crossing his arms.

"Leave me alone!" snaps Gaara.

"Tell me, are you completely alone? Does anyone care about you?" Naruto demands.

"I already told you: I have no one, that's why I was able to get strong," explains Gaara. "I have no one, so no one can hold me back."

"Wrong!" Naruto slaps Gaara. "You have two siblings who will risk their lives to protect you. They love you, Gaara. And when they stopped to face me in order to give YOU the chance to get away, they knew they would fight losing battles. But they fought me anyway. And before your fight with Sasuke do you know what Temari said to him?"

Gaara shakes his head.

"She said 'If you kill my little brother, you are dead.' Your sister will protect you. AS YOUR SISTER, NOT YOUR BODYGUARD! So you are wrong, you don't have no one. You have _them_."

Gaara stares up at Naruto. His mind flashes back to times when his siblings were annoyed with him, or afraid of him. For the first time he sees: at those times, they had good reason to be annoyed or afraid. He did threaten to kill them on a regular basis, after all. And he did leave sand all over the house. And it is his fault the washing machine broke.

"And about your strength;" continues Naruto. "It isn't your strength, it is Shukaku's. As strange as it sounds, he is there for you too. So is the chakra inhabiting the sand in the gourd. Who's chakra is it anyway?" Naruto shrugs. "My strength comes from my desire to protect others. I get stronger when I protect others, not myself! Think about this Gaara. Think about it long and hard." Then Naruto drags him away, back to the village, stopping to collect his similarly trussed up siblings on the way.

On the roof of the Chunin Exams Arena, Itachi and the Hokage stand, watching the Akatsuki (who all have a grudge against Orochimaru and therefore all came to kick his butt) capture the Sand and Sound ninjas. Although admittedly, quite a few of the Sound were dead and most of the Sand surrendered when they saw Sasori. In the midst of the frey, Jiraiya and his toads were fighting the snake summons who had appeared in the village.

Suigetsu appears on the roof beside Itachi. "Hey Itachi," he says excitedly. "Look over there!" Itachi looks in the direction Suigetsu is pointing, as does the Hokage and the assembled ANBU. They see a toad the size of a bijuu fighting, well a bijuu. The toad assumes the form of the Nine Tails and subdues the bijuu.

"Is that Jiraiya sensei over there?" asks Konan flying down to land beside Itachi.

"No, Jiraiya's over there," says Kisame, appearing nearby. He points to where Jiraiya and his toads are fighting the last of Orochimaru's summons.

"The battle is won," reports Sasori, gliding up to the group on the roof.

Deidara jumps down beside him, and lets his clay bird explode. "The Sound and Sand are totally subdued."

"The Sand surrendered once they learned their Kazekage did not order the invasion," reports Kakazu, appearing beside the Hikage. "When do we get paid?"

"I have made many sacrifices for the glory of Jashin," boasts Hidan, leaping onto the roof, covered in blood and holding his left arm in his right hand. "Can you reattach this for me, please Kakazu?"

"I hope you only killed Sound ninja like our contract said," Says Lord Pein as the six paths of Pein appear on the roof with the steadily growing group.

Nagato wheels up, being pushed by Karin. "So the mission was a success, then?" he asks.

"Not quite," admits Itachi. "I scared off Orochimaru too quickly to get any information out of him."

"That's a pity."

"HEY GUYS!" Naruto and his team are back with Sasuke and the Sand Siblings. "We caught the Sand sibs!" The Akatsuki burst into laughter at the young ninja's appearances. The three young ninjas blush in embarrassment.

"Who summoned the giant toad?" asks the Hokage.

"Oh, I did," says Naruto. "With Kurama's help of course! Gaara's Sand made it pretty hard to prank him." Then his whole face lights up. "PERVY SAGE! DID YOU SEE ME AND GAMABUNTA BEAT UP SHUKAKU!" he runs past the group of assembled S-Rank Ninjas and jumps on the newly appeared Toad Sage.

"AAK! Get off me kid!" Jiraiya yells from under his godson. "I didn't see: I was fighting Orochimaru's snake summons!"

"That pussy can summon?" Naruto sounds rather surprised.

Sasuke is staring down Suigetsu, and Karin is chatting happily with Sakura.

"Jiraiya sensei?" says Nagato nervously.

Jiraiya pushes Naruto off him and gets back to his feet. "Nagato?" he stares at Nagato. Then he sees Konan. "Konan! I heard you were all dead!"

"Well, we aren't! Yahiko is!" says Nagato.

"It seems we have a lot of catching up to do."

"Wait! You guys know each other?" Naruto says, looking from Jiraiya to Konan and Nagato and back again.

 **To Be Continued...**


End file.
